Tag Archives: unconditional love

Finding a Path

Posted on by learning to live like water

finding a path

Ahhh. End of the weekend. I made dinner for my son and I and am now finishing up my 2nd glass of wine with some dark dak chocolate. 88% cacao. Mmmmmmm It’s really good with red wine.

I’ve been a little introspective today. Thinking about love and forgiveness, hate and anger. I guess I’ve never been good at holding a grudge. Especially since my divorce. At some point I read somewhere that “holding on to hate and anger is like taking poison and thinking the other guy is gonna die.”

It just resonated with me so much. I was so angry at what my ex had done, was doing. Trying to make sure I was penniless, trying to drive a wedge between my son and I. The bullshit that came out of his mouth, at court, just enraged me. And because I couldn’t say or do anything about any of it, it was just eating away at me. It’s awful to wake up every day angry, upset, frustrated, and with a visceral hate for someone.

That was when the spiritual journey began…back in those days. I wanted to find a way through this process that would allow me to still have a life I loved. The universe put the people in my path that I needed. One at a time, it opened up. I learned to meditate, which I still say was the most valuable thing I’ve ever learned to do. I was brought by fate to the gong baths. I somehow was introduced to wonderful teachers, who wrote wonderful books. Eckhart Tolle, Thich Nhat Hanh, Byron Katie, Liz Gilbert, and, last but not least, Marianne Williamson and A Course in Miracles.

A Course in Miracles teaches a way to extend love. Period. Fear projects, Love extends. I wanted to find out how to feel, and live unconditional love. Because I didn’t want to feel the opposite.

One of the most important things I learned about unconditional love is, you can’t pick and choose who you love, if that’s what you profess to feel and practice. And in fact, often those people you feel least deserve your love are the ones who need it the most.

Another thing I learned, and this is a recent lesson, that came from the last 6 months of my life, was that the love has to first be turned inward on yourself. You have to take care of yourself, you have to give yourself a break for the things we do that are out of alignment with who we want to be. Because we are all human, we all do them. But I learned long ago, with my son and my divorce that forgiveness of ourselves is the hardest thing to do. I never learned to love myself, to consider what I wanted and what made me happy before I considered the happiness of others. I love Maya Angelou’s quote on this: “I don’t trust someone who says “I love you” but does not love themselves. Beware the naked man selling you a shirt.”

A psychic made me understand this concept in a personal way. She had my dad’s spirit there, and he told her that we never thought about what we wanted growing up, just what had to be done, what was expected of us. I agreed with her, and him, that was true. So, since that happened, I have considered myself, who I want to be, what values I have for myself. She told me to turn the energy of caring on myself. To do reiki on myself, especially my solar plexus, where we hold our emotions, and my sacral chakra, where we hold our creativity.

Writing is my creative outlet. Making jewelry also. Writing helps me to work things out. Making jewelry is good for those times when I’ve been thinking too much, too obsessively about something. It uses another part of my brain. I think the two compliment each other.

So anyway, in a broad sense, I am able to forgive, eventually, most things that have been done to me that were wrong, hard, hurtful. I took my ex cookies and Christmas soup (his mother’s recipe) this Christmas. I’ve called him to check on him. I’ve done similar with others who have hurt me. I guess I have to think that everyone does the best they can with where their consciousness is at the time. I know I have done things and behaved in ways I’m not proud of, because of where my consciousness was at the time.

I said in a blog not more than a few days ago, forgiveness comes with understanding. I believe that is true. I don’t think it means that what was done was ok, that those people can be in your life, but you can let go of the pain and anger and hurt and hate….and take back your power, and be someone you like.

Feeling the love tonight….

Swimming in the Moat

Posted on by learning to live like water

castles-and-moats-225x300

It was back to work today after 10 days off.  Winter hit with a vengeance this morning.  It was 22° when I got up.  It was 16° when I came home from work at 7:45 PM, and windy after a 9 hour work day, plus an hour drive time.  I froze my ass off filling the gas tank.  It’s going to single digits tonight.  I effing hate the cold.  It’s my most unfavorite thing about winter, closely followed by driving in snow as the 2nd thing I hate the most.
I’m sitting in my pajamas watching my favorite movie, Eat Pray Love.  I tried to watch the DVD over the weekend, and my cheap DVD player is apparently no longer working.  But tonight it’s on Lifetime. It’s perfect for where I am tonight.
I’m settled in, I guess, as much as possible with the twin flame idea.  Things keep popping into my head about our relationship that just made no sense, and now they do, even if it’s in a other-worldy sense.   Like, why neither of us could really let go, why I still want to talk to him, even after all he did to me.  Like why I continued to love him so much, when he was treating me so badly.  Why I hung on when I and everyone knew he was an ass.  The attraction was undeniable.  He called it the heat.  He said, when we broke up and I didn’t want to talk to him about our sex life any more, because we didn’t have one, and it hurt me to talk about it, since his was now with Betty…..he would say, “Deb the heat will always be there between us, why fight it?” He said to me, “I’m trying to find a way to keep you in my life.”
He knew, he just didn’t know what he knew.  I was in his life, I will always be in his life.  But he didn’t know what was going on, nor did I.  But I couldn’t share the leftover bits of his life, I’ll never be able to do that with anyone.  It’s painful.  It wasn’t just me being obsessed with this man, there was so much more in play.  I felt it so intensely.
And then….there are all the lies, the huge deception. While I have a better understanding of the forces that were in play, that he couldn’t deal with, and chose to lie about, rather than face, I wonder if he’s learned the lesson that has been repeating in his life since he was young.  I wonder if he’s learned it, or is going to have another round with it, in this life or the next. I mean, those same forces were in play with me, but I made different choices.  I didn’t lead Addison on, I didn’t play anyone.  I was honest and forthright in everything I did.  I’m not bragging, or blowing my own horn.  I’m just saying, we both had the choices to make.  He chose differently.  His choices caused two women who loved him more pain than I can adequately express here.  And he knew it would, and he knew that eventually, it would come to a head.  So why….did he choose that path?  I’d so like to know, just to understand his thinking.  He is such a dichotomy.  Here he can write a beautiful poem, describing not only our relationship on the physical level, but also on a soul level.  He could tell me that he felt the connection.  We never had a bad moment together until she came back into his life.  I loved being with him.  And then….he could lie, and cheat, and deceive like he had a phd in it.  He could hurt people, me, her, indiscriminately.  He could hurt himself, and then want you to feel sorry for him.  So full of contradictions.
I wonder how his health is.  I know he’s hurting.  I know he’s sad, but I’m not at all clear if he’s learned anything from all this.  I would guess that much of the contradictions in him, come from the difference between what he knew on a soul level, and was trying to be heard, and the life experiences he had that were in complete opposition to the soul level messages.
I think about how many times he tried to convince me that he was not a good guy.  And he proved that out.  But the same number of times, I told him I saw his soul, that I loved his soul.  Why would I say that?  I’ve never told anyone else that, not my son, not my ex husband of 40 years. But with Scott, it’s all I saw.  It blinded me to his human faults, and it set me up to fall, hard, face down in the dirt, because I could only see the center that was all love.  Just like in everyone else.  He couldn’t see it, didn’t believe in it.  And all his lies and deceptions, all the pain and devastation he caused me,  don’t stop me from seeing who he is at his center.
It’s friggin painful.  I have to leave it alone, it is a discovery that he needs to make on his own.  I thought if I loved him enough, I could convince him.  But he doesn’t love himself, so no one else’s love will ever make a difference.
It doesn’t matter.  It really doesn’t.  We have a connection which I will learn to deal with, without allowing it to disrupt this life.  I was happier not knowing  who he is to me.  I was happier just thinking that I knew him from a past life, that we agreed to meet up here, for some reason.  I was happier, because I thought I would be able to let go of him eventually.
Last night I saw Marianne Williamson on OWN.  She taught that the universe is “intentional”.  That nothing happens that is not supposed to.  I guess there are lessons inside of lessons….The dealing with this situation and being able to move forward in my life, will be a lesson in itself.  Learning to feel his energy and not get lost in it, will be a lesson in itself.  If I can attract it, being able to love someone else, and still keep a place in my heart for this man, my twin….will be a lesson in itself.
I’m sure there are more.  Honestly, right now I’m thinking, my life in it’s last quarter.  I’m sick of lessons.  I really am, and they keep falling into my path.  I really just want to be happy, to have an uncomplicated, easy life.  I want to downsize, into a smaller house, into a smaller life, into a safer life, into a life filled with love.
I am watching Richard From Texas tell Liz Gilbert, “Groceries, you want to get to the castle, you got to swim the moat.”
I guess that’s about it for tonight. I think I’m in the damn moat, and I just want to stop swimming. Maybe I’ll just float on my back for awhile and look at the sky.

 

Caught in the Riptide

Posted on by learning to live like water

riptide

A….just always there for me.  I don’t know why, I just don’t have any idea why but he is.  It choked me up all day.

He got my message, and his response was….

“Good morning, my love.”

No chastising me.  No questions.  No anger.  Nothing, but unconditional love.

I wished he were here with me.  I wished we were snuggling, sharing a cup of coffee, talking, anything.  I do love him, really….but I can’t sustain that. And I don’t know why.  Before, it was because of Scott.  It’s not him, now.  But I think it might be repercussions of him.

Because I got so triggered this past weekend, and by A, the gentlest, most loving of souls….I have to say, I’m not relationship material yet.  I’m ok on the surface, but there’s still a lot of grief, loss, sadness, anger running like a riptide underneath, and at any moment, it might sweep me out to sea and risk drowning anyone who is with me.   And it’s A who has been by my side.

He hated Scott for me when I could not, lol.  He brought me around to feel sorry for him, when the depth of his depravity was uncovered, he was the first to say, “I just went from hate to pity.  He needs our prayers…”  Because S’s actions absolutely indicated a deep and terrible illness.  And even A, who has played 2nd fiddle to S for months, when I couldn’t let go….can see it, and offer up his compassion.

I love A, and I want him in my life.

But I’m not consistent.  This morning I was gonna try to Facetime him when I got home but tonight, I don’t feel it so much.  I really scared myself, realizing that I almost kicked him out of my life.  God, stupid.  This morning, I felt jealous of the woman in Santa Fe….and tonight, I am back to where I was.  I can’t be what he needs and deserves.  But I want him in my life, for sure.

I was still triggered today.  I imagined talking to S….what would we possibly have to say?  “Why did you do that?”  He won’t know, or won’t say.  He’d ask “Why did you tell her….”  Because she had to know.  It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right.  You were never gonna tell her the truth, I was going to remain a lie somewhere there.  I’m sick of being a lie, and a secret.  And you would have made me stay that way, and she would have never known the truth.  I fucking loved you, and I wanted to make sure she knew that.  That I didn’t just fuck you, that I LOVED you with every fiber of my being.  That you were trying to be with me just days before.  That I wasn’t what you wanted her to think I was. I was not going to be minimized by you and your narcissism.

You didn’t want to save her pain, you wanted to continue to manipulate her feelings, her love, her emotions.  Just like you did me, but I found out the truth.

So….what would he and I have to say?  Nothing.  Nothing, except I loved you, you tried to kill me.  I don’t know when my heart will ever open up again.  When I will trust someone again.  It was not that you were with her that hurt so much, it was the lies, the cruelty of every thing you did after 10:30 on October 3.  All the voice mails, all the texts, all the sexting, the phone calls, you tried to keep me hanging on while you were with her.  Cruel.  Why couldn’t you just let me go?  Why couldn’t you let me go when you came to the park back in May, and told me you wanted to be by yourself.  Why didn’t you just stick with it?  Instead of asking me to come over? Instead of calling me and telling me you should have come to Florida with me?  Instead of coming here and making sweet love with me?

It’s the loss, of finding out that who I thought you were and adored was some shell you put on for me.  I had to give you up, and then I had to GIVE YOU UP…because you didn’t even exist.  I fucking miss that man who doesn’t exist.  And I grieve for him.

What would I have to say?  Nothing, that could lead to anything but to bring back the pain.

So I almost pushed Addie away today, because the ghost man that I loved hurt me so much that what he did still, 3 1/2 months later,  can stab me in the back when I’m just out for a stroll.

I was drowning this weekend.  Today I managed to get to shore, but I’m tired, out of breath, and traumatized.  I need to do what A wants me to, to “rest in his love.”  And I will.   And S….I’m pretty sure he’ll be alone.  Which is the safest place for everyone else.

 

 

 

Update

Posted on by learning to live like water

I had emotions today ranging from pure anger at the bold-faced lies I was told, to that feeling of great sorrow for him.  It seems that the height and depth of the emotions are evening out.  None of them last long anymore.  Thought about sending him the song “Forever Young” by Bob Dylan.  Because I think at the end of the day that’s what I wish for him.  But I ended up on middle ground, knowing that the journey which he needs to take is one he has to embark on himself, and take by himself, and choose by himself, and I need to not add my energy to the mix.  He always said to me he’s never been alone, he’s been in relationships for 40 years.  He has the opportunity now, to do some real work.  I hope it’s what he’ll choose.

It is generally exhausting for me anyway,  our connection has always been so strong.  I have a couple of crystal pendulums and when I’ve received strong energetic messages from him they have been confirmed for the most part.  I am learning to let them come and go.  I am trying to pay attention to what I need, and let the rest go.  I told him he was dead to me, because I don’t want any on-going communication, and because I can’t take finding out one more untruth.  But I think I will always care for the man I loved, the one pre-Betty who was trying to be someone.  I will always love the child who steers the riverboat.  He was headed for the deep, but now he’s in it, and he has to find his way back alone.  I hope he can do it.

 

 

Looking for Balance This Morning

Posted on by learning to live like water

A few days distance from the lies, and the waves of my emotions are returning to a place I am more comfortable with.  Gentle swells on the ocean, rhythmic rising and falling.   My head has stopped spinning and the heavy weight of so many lies and such deceit has been passed from me to the universe, where it will be righted, and atoned.

I have so often espoused unconditional love in my blog.  Last night, I suddenly felt a wave of deep sorrow, not for myself or Betty, but for S.  I just cannot imagine living a life in which I thought I had to lie and deceive to keep people in my life.  I have this same feeling about my ex, I cannot imagine feeling so unworthy of love and belonging that I felt the only way to keep people in my life was to control and abuse them.

That being said, I know it is the journey of both men to discover that they too have a center in their soul which is an expression of God. I cannot help them. If they don’t want to find it, they will not.  Free will….lets them choose.

If only they knew the joy that lay in letting that light shine.

I know my ex, when he was young, was trying to let it shine.  He tried to do the right thing.  I have to say, he was faithful to me and never lay with another woman.  But he was unfaithful to me, in his lies and dishonor and disrespect, his anger, his self-centeredness.

I still feel that when I met S, and he was just out of chemo, he was grateful to be alive.  He was trying to live his life in gratitude.  While he didn’t disabuse me of the notion that Betty had done him horribly wrong, he didn’t talk much about it, and only said occasionally he didn’t know how he could have been so wrong about someone.  He added no other lies to his repertoire that I know of during that time.  There was the prison whore, but he did come to me, look me in the eye and tell me he knew he wanted to be with other women.  The fact was that he couldn’t take my sorrow and my sadness.  I think he was shocked to see the depth of the love I had for him.  He told me he would rethink it, and we continued on.  But the desire was in his heart, and he did the prison whore a couple of weeks later, and told me.  Then he came to me, and told me about it from where he stood, and I understood him, and I forgave him.

The point is, he was trying to be honest then.  That’s when I fell madly in love with him.

And a month later, when Betty came back into his life, the lies began. Based on the man I knew and loved, why would I have even suspected?  Maybe he just reverted, maybe the pull to his younger self was too strong, the energetic ties there too strong for his newly found honesty and gratitude to survive.  There was so much history there to remind him, at the deepest level, of who he used to be, and he succumbed.

I think he liked the drama.  He loved living on the edge.  Once he told me about being rescued off a ship by helicopter.  I asked if he was afraid.  He said no, that he felt the most alive when he was living on the edge. Every time he was with one of us, and we hadn’t figured out that the other existed, he felt had walked on the edge and survived.

Sadly, I think the only time he felt loved was when someone was crying over him. And maybe when one of us took him to our bed and adored him.

The only time he felt alive was when he was risking it all.

Therein lies his work, if he chooses to do it.

What do I do about my belief that the love never dies, that my love for him was unconditional?  It is, it was, it will always be.  But that doesn’t mean that I accept his behavior.  It doesn’t mean I would ever subject myself to the possibility of that kind of pain again.

But I look at  him, and still see that child’s soul, just wanting to be loved for simply existing, but never receiving it.  Never having his own soul’s beauty validated.  He became what he believed he was, he lived up to the expectations of other damaged people.

I hope he will go within, if he remains alone. Or even if he doesn’t.  I hope he will try to learn to love himself, and let that light, that I glimpsed for a few lovely months, shine.  I hope he will own his own story and see the incredible lessons he can learn from it.  It’s not too late for him, even at age 66 he can redeem himself. He can still evolve.

I’m just much more comfortable with love than hate.  I am more comfortable hoping for the best in his future, than dwelling on the ugly in his past.  Who more than S, needs unconditional love?  He is in my prayers.

Not that I want his future to include me.  My path has gone far from him, but he will always be a big part of who I am.  I learned so much from this experience.  Hard lessons, and some happy ones.  The one I am happiest about is that I am capable of loving someone so intensely.  That I am not afraid to be seen, regardless of what the outcome will be.  Obviously, the outcome here was not one I wanted.  But I trust that there is a reason for that, for my higher good, and everyone else’s.  I trust that I needed to learn these lessons to be ready for the outcome I want.  I have faith that it will manifest one day with someone more closely aligned to my vibration.

The hard lessons, well, we all know what they are.  I’ve talked about them enough.

Looking for balance this morning, I guess.  I know this much is true….The love never dies.  It has become like water, transformed into a cloud, and will rain down somewhere else soon.

 

 

Learning to Love Ourselves

Posted on by learning to live like water

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I have always had a hard time with the concept of self love, until now.  I never felt I should put myself ahead of the needs of others, especially those who needed something from me, that I could provide.

This kept me in a bad marriage much longer than I should have been.  I did his work for him, I took care of him, of our business, of our home.  Eventually, of making the money to pay our bills and keep food on the table.  I got nothing back for it.  It’s of little surprise that when I left the marriage, finally, I was out of love, and depleted.  It’s of little surprise that I tried to fill the hole with food, and when I left, weighed about 40 lbs more than I do now.  It’s of little surprise that my heart used to pound in my chest so hard every night that I was afraid I’d have a heart attack in my sleep, and prayed every night not to let that happen, not to leave my son with my ex as his only parent.

It would have been the same with S, because I was giving myself to him, unconditionally, unlimited.  I did try, but not hard enough, to leave him when I began to feel that same emptiness.  But unlike my ex, S would give me an emergency fix and offer up a small bit of himself, and make me feel like he wanted me around, and I’d buy into it.

I realize now that I was not loving myself in either case, that I was just finding a way to keep giving of myself.

Loving ourselves does not mean that we think we are great.  It does not mean that we give our egos free rein over our thoughts and emotions.  It means that we dig deep, we find out what we need and want to lead a rich full life.  And we seek that out.

After my marriage I did that, for at least 5 years. I learned to meditate.  I sought out people who were more enlightened than me.  I read spiritual books voraciously.  I thought I had it figured out, who I was, and how to find what I wanted.

My first foray into trusting and loving someone was with S.  Although I knew and had learned well the power of unconditional love, I still had not turned that love inward.  I still did not ever put myself and my needs first.  I offered it up, and for some reason, felt it was ok if I didn’t get it back.  It wasn’t.  I was already depleted when the Boop came back into his life.  That incident cracked my heart open and took what was left and spilled it out onto the ground.  What could she give him that I didn’t? Why?

The answer was she gave him less, not more.  She wanted less from him, not more.  She was satisfied with less from him not more.  I get it now.  I get it.

Since then, in the last 6 weeks, I have realized that loving yourself means not giving up your dreams.  It means you honor the emotions you feel, you don’t act out on them, you feel them.  You honor them.  You live through them.  You find a way to grow from them.  Use them like the rain, to grow into something beautiful.

I learned that anger is only a mask for pain.  I learned that hate is only a mask for fear.  The fear is that things will now change, you will have to start over, you may live your life out without ever finding the love you want.  Which makes us so willing to accept even small bits of what we want, it’s better than nothing, right?

No.  It’s not.

This is where trust has to enter.  We have to trust that our lives are unfolding as they should be.  That the rich full life and love that we seek will come to us.  We have to trust that when we open the space in our hearts by letting go of people and relationships that are not working, the universe will fill it for us, with what we are dreaming about.  Simplified, it is the law of attraction.  Like attracts like, it’s a scientific physical law, and also applied to energy, emotions, relationships.

In my life, at 40 years old I dreamed I would have an amazing beautiful baby boy.  He was born on Cinco de Mayo in my 41st year, 10 lbs, 15 oz.  22 1/2 inches long.  Today he is 23, 6’3″, athletic, and focused, and kind, and loving and has been the light of my life since the day he was conceived.

All during my divorce (which took me 4 years to complete) I dreamed of owning my own beautiful home, and having my son with me.  That’s all I wanted.  And 4 years ago, I bought it, and my son had already been with me a long time.

What you dream of will manifest.

But first, you have to love yourself.  You have to believe you are worthy of an amazing life.  Of love and belonging.  Of whatever it is you dream of.  I am re-engaging with my dreams, and letting go of trying to make what was always untenable work.

I still will keep a place in my heart for the child who drives that riverboat, but it’s his journey to get it down the river, to steer through the deep and get wherever it is he’s trying to get to.  My path leads away from him now.  And I’m ok with that.  In fact, I am looking forward to moving toward the things that I want.

I’m learning to love myself, and honor myself, and my dreams, and I think that it has a lot to do with learning to live like water.  The journey to source, to ourselves, to becoming more authentically ourselves, is not always easy.  It doesn’t always flow.  It get blocked, and requires work to unblock it.  It requires us to at times make a new path, at times wear the bedrock away.  It requires us to trust our guts and the universe, knowing that the intent of one is the intent of the other.

Waking Up With a Heavy Heart

Posted on by learning to live like water

I woke up this morning, sure I don’t want A to come here.  Now I have to tell him. Not looking forward to that.  He is so sweet, he will be so hurt.  But everything in me is saying no….

Now that he wants to come for 2 weeks, he will be disappointed with less, and I realize that while I love and appreciate him so much, I am not in love with him.  I can’t pretend that for 1 day, let alone 5 days, or 2 weeks.  I don’t act, I can’t lie.  So, I’ll have to deal with that soon. Whenever I have an unpleasant task to do, I need to do it, as quickly as possible.  It weighs on me not to.  I wish I could match his affection for me.  He so deserves it.  But I don’t, I can’t, I’ve known him long enough to know that it’s not happening for me.

I was thinking about my ex and S, how similar they are, that they so don’t believe that they are worthy of love and belonging, that they fabricate a whole world to manipulate people into their lives.  I can’t imagine having to wake up every day and have to face that.  I mean, to the point that the whole world is skewed, that they believe the people who really do love them are trying to get something from them.  They look with disdain on the people who just love them, because those people innocently believed the carefully crafted lies that have been woven to make themselves acceptable to others.

I feel full of love and compassion for those two men this morning.  If they could just see that they are lovable.  In my ex’s case, he hides from the world.  His cousin in Florida called me the other night, to get his phone number because she wanted to check on him.  She doesn’t understand him.  I tried to explain that he doesn’t want to be known, he wouldn’t even tell me where he was living. I found out from my old next door neighbor that he is renting the cottage right next door to the house he lived in for 40 years.  But the cousin just doesn’t understand that he’s alone out of choice.

S…still wants to draw people into his life, but with lies and deception.  He doesn’t believe anyone can really love him the way I did…just because he is.  He thinks, as my ex does, that if you love someone that way you are just stupid, naive. I always said I saw him, I have told him that since forever.  I still see  him.  I still see that soul inside of him that just wants to be loved, but he’s crafted so many lies and such deception, and so convinced himself that love is not real….he also crafts a world in which he is alone, and no one really knows him.  And if someone does…like me….he runs away from them.  Afraid they will destroy the false world he’s put together. Both men believe they have to be separate to protect themselves, when the truth is we are all connected.

I have not heard a word out of S, in over a week.  I imagine that he was thinking he was punishing me, but now he is probably feeling a lot of shame at having been found out.  When I left him a voice mail, I tried to convey that I am not judging him, I see him, I know why he’s done what he’s done.  I feel sorry for him, is all, that he believes the only way he can keep people in his life is to craft a fake self that he thinks is more lovable than his true self.  Just so sad.

It’s not my job to teach either one of these men.  It is my job, when and if I ever interact with them, to extend love and compassion as much as possible.

Too much heavy crap on my mind this morning. I’m going to deal with A today somehow.  And then forget about the mess that S and my ex have created for themselves, and be grateful for all the blessings I have.

Settling Out

Posted on by learning to live like water

Sunrise 11-07-15

Sunrise from my deck

Feeling peaceful this morning.  It was week full of turmoil, but has ended ahead of where it started, emotionally.  It started with me missing S last Sunday, and making the mistake of telling him.  It opened the door to him telling me to come see him then, the minute she walked out his door. Which led to raw emotions, again, and to ugliness between us.  It led to me having to cut him off completely in order to move forward.  Which led to the dream (I don’t know what else to call it, but it was way more than a dream)….which freaked me out, but then made me realize that I had let him go, energetically, that I could do it at my most vulnerable.  Not saying it wasn’t hard, and didn’t hurt, but I did it, for me.

I was so concerned with the lesson.  I think it was the balance of the Unconditional Love lesson, that we have to extend that love to ourselves, first.  We have to be strong enough to let go of those things that hurt us, that no longer serve us, even if we love them.

So, now I follow my own advice for the moment and will go where the love is.  Which leads me to some peace this morning, starting with the beautiful sunrise. Peaceful in the sense that I can think things through, without angst.

A and I will talk this weekend about Christmas break this weekend.  He wanted to last night but it was too late for me, I was too tired.  It deserves more attention than that.  I am conflicted, to say the least.  I would rather he came here, he might be open to it, because his house is getting gutted, and there’s a good chance it won’t be done by then anyway.  I’m still uncertain about the long term implications, but I think that I need to just let what happens happen.  I love him enough to spend 5 days with him.  I know he won’t make me sorry.  My only issue is guilt that I don’t feel the same about him as he does me, but I’m not that far off.  I think it’s the distance that keeps me from engaging my heart more.  But I’m not even sure about that.

Am I just being lazy, accepting what is here, in front of me, offering me unconditional love, but without the passion that I crave?  Am I just being impatient?  Is it just that my defenses are down?  I love the relationship I have with him at the moment, would I ruin that with expectation on his part if I do this? Because I don’t want to commit to a long distance relationship… And I don’t want the perception of friends with benefits, because we are way more than friends, we have been lovers in the past…

God I don’t know. Sometimes I think I should just be celibate until I find the passion I crave.

I hope the psychic calls me back today.

The weekends have been so hard for me since S dumped me so easily.  Last weekend I made it til Sunday morning. I hope I can get through Sunday this week, without being hit by a rogue wave.  Even if I get knocked down, I won’t reach out…I’m sure of that.  He is growing fainter in my psyche.  I ignore his messages, the ones I feel, (there aren’t any others) more easily now, they are always the same. And only lead to more pain.

I am beginning to feel that he stopped reading my blog, I’m hoping. But I’ve thought that before, and was surprised to find out he still read them.  It doesn’t really matter, I don’t have to deal with his emotions over them, unless he visits me in a dream again.

Just thoughts, emotions settling out.  Time to get the day underway.

Love and light.

Growing Pains

Posted on by learning to live like water

Today was kinda rough. But there is no growth without pain, is there?

After texting with S yesterday, which never comes to any good end, I just cut it off, and thought that I’d not hear from him for a few days, but I heard from him today on his lunch break. And again, to no good end.  Yesterday I cut it off when it started to get ugly, today, it got ugly, and I blocked him, for good.  I have no desire to argue with him, and that was the only point.  To argue over nothing, as if it mattered how it turned out. It didn’t matter, it doesn’t matter, and I’m sick of it.  Why argue when you have no relationship?  What’s the point?  I don’t want anything from him, except to be left alone by him.  It’s over and done.

As in the Rumi quote, watch my rising.

There is no need for ugliness.  The love doesn’t disappear, it just transforms, into something else, a different kind of caring, that doesn’t leave your heart aching and your stomach upset.  It wasn’t my choice then, now it’s a choice I agree with.  It’s a choice I want, I want to be free of the old encumbrance, I want nothing to hold me back from finding that which I want.  I don’t want to ruin what are good memories with any more bad ones.  It’s like my dysfunctional marriage, I still can remember many good times, even though the ending was ugly, but I want no more ugly memories to add to it.  And the same with S.  No more memories at all, just let it be done.

As it should have been ages ago, way before Betty Boop came back.  Long ago.  With the prison whore probably.  Or when the first signs of withdrawal showed after his friend died.

But whatever, it’s over now.  I don’t want a text, a voice mail, an email.  I don’t want one more minute of it.  The longing is turning into something that I don’t want to feel, the missing him is starting to feel ridiculous. Missing what?  I don’t know.  Nothing that I can’t live without. Nothing that I haven’t lived without for a long time, and nothing that I don’t feel better without now.

He has his “one, the one”.  My opinions about that are none of his business, nor is how I feel about him or see him.  Whether or not I can still unconditionally love him, is none of his business.  I hope he quits thinking about it, and tries to make something work in his life.  With her.  And leave me alone.

He said he wanted to find a way to keep me in his life.  There is no way.  I don’t want to be in it.  I get to make that choice, and I made it, irrevocably today.  Too much ugliness.  I’m just done with it.

Lessons, there are always lessons.  Even the ones you think are hard, and you hated learning them, raise you to a place you’d not been before, if you choose to learn them.  Watch me rise….watch the experience lift me into a smarter, wiser, more tender, more loving place.  Every experience can lift you or knock you down.  Trust always, that what happened was supposed to happen, and glean from it what you can that will help you grow.

That is my intention.  To grow, to be better than I was.

Sunday Morning Writing Therapy

Posted on by learning to live like water

Writing has saved me $1000’s in conventional therapy.

Yesterday, I recognized that it was the first weekend where I was not in absolute pain because I know he is with her.  I’ve been ok, and I guess it’s because I know the man that’s with her is not the man I knew and love.

My friend Megan wrote a blog about it not being the pain she fears but the void beyond the pain.  If it’s over, what is there but emptiness where all that emotion was?  Yes…thus my poem a few blogs back called The Void.  (https://learningtolivelikewaterblog.com/2015/10/29/the-void/   Some days it’s larger, some smaller.  Some days I can ignore it, walk by it, some days I fall in and disappear.

I also have realized that what I miss is the every day connection. I miss him being part of my life every day and being part of his.  I don’t like a man who changes his face for everyone he meets, but I have always seen S’s soul, not his face, and it’s always been his soul that I love, and that I know.  I see the inner child, just wanting to be loved because he exists, like every other child.  I can still do that.

He tried occasionally, to convince me he was a bad evil person. I always said, “I see your soul S.  I see your soul and I like what I see.  I don’t know what to tell you.”  Imagine being so convinced you don’t deserve love that you try to convince others not to love you.

I wish he and I could just talk, and be friends, without the sexual tension that’s between us.  But it always goes there, and for me that comes with attachment, and besides, I know he can turn on me on a dime, evidenced by his texting me at 4 am, and devastating me 6 hours later.  That’s not a friend.  I don’t even know what to call that.  It’s been 4 weeks, this weekend.  The wound at times is fresh, as if it just happened.  Then I remember how every time I’ve spoken to him since it has not ended well.  He has told me he cares for me.  Whatever he feels only causes me pain.  I can’t go there again.

The man I saw last week, Jim, sent me two texts yesterday.  The first was “Happy Halloween 300 times.”  which I didn’t understand at all. Like I said, I don’t get his sense of humor.  Then later he sent one saying he enjoyed my company the night before very much.  And I thought “How?  You didn’t make even the smallest effort to find out who and what I am.”  I didn’t answer either one.  I didn’t know what to say.  I was afraid if I said I was sorry, but I didn’t feel any connection, maybe we should just let it go, that he would call me, and I didn’t want to deal with it.  I chose to just ignore the texts, and hope it just fades away.  We’ve only been out 3 times.  There is no attachment.

And then there’s A.  Always there for me, always steady.  Never anything but loving and caring and honest.  Yesterday he sent me a pic, and there was a red truck in it. His truck, I thought, was black.  I asked him if he got a new truck when I disappeared.  (Which I did in August and September, just cut him off without warning to focus my attention and energy on my relationship with S, which was unraveling then.  I think even then, S was in touch with her, which was why we were unraveling.) Anyway A, answered about the truck saying it wasn’t his, but then said, “I’m so glad to have you back.  Don’t fucking disappear again!”  He went on to say “Fall madly in love, get married, but don’t disappear!”  I told him I wouldn’t, ever.  And that I didn’t want to get married either.  Just to have a loving, monogamous, extraordinary relationship with someone.

And so…I continue onward.  Feeling like S and I have unfinished business, business that will remain that way for the foreseeable future, at time nagging at me, at times I can just ignore it.  Hopeful that perhaps there is someone else out there that I can love as intensely as I loved him.  Someone who is also capable of that depth of emotion.  Clearly S, in his present state is not, nor wants to be.

Therapy, writing is therapy.