Category Archives: Relationships

Christmas Eve Morning Musings

Posted on by learning to live like water

love and belonging

Before I went to bed last night I used my very unscientific method of confirming my feelings about knowing him from a past life, I asked my pendulum, both of them.  LOL.  They both said, yes, we have known each other in past lives.  They both said yes, I was supposed to remind him of who he was.  But no, I was not supposed to bring him back from the darkness.

Which is a relief…..Because I did my best, while we were together, to tell him that he had a beautiful soul, and that I could see it.  The darkness, the things that have happened to him in his life, have obscured it, in his own mind.  I always saw it, and even now, I know that it was his insatiable need to be loved that made him deceive.  I know his holes are so deep that he just couldn’t let go.  Such erroneous thinking.

Ruin is a gift, S.  It is the only way to begin transformation. I know he’s saying “bullshit” to that, lol.  But it’s true.  The trip back from the darkness is his to undertake, when he’s sick of having his life go wrong.

I saw him, I still see him…I forgive his inability to believe enough in himself to tell the truth.  I do know that the person the most hurt by all he did was himself.  So, the fact that I made sure she knew the truth is secondary.  If there had been nothing to tell, he wouldn’t be there.

The fact that I’m sure he blames me for the misery he’s in now….well, honestly, what he thinks of me is none of my business.

My ex has the same issues, of not believing anyone could love him based on his own merit.  And blaming me. He never was with another woman, but he lied about finances, about what he was doing, about his life, about his successes and failures, and blamed everyone else for everything.  In the end, everything was my fault, and still is, I know.  I really want to take him some Christmas food today.  I will try, but honestly, I don’t even know if he’s even living in the same place.  I’ll try, as long as I can do it without running into him.  I haven’t seen him in about 2 years, though I’ve talked to him during that time.  But I just don’t want to come face to face and have to talk to him.  It would be uncomfortable for us both.

I have considered inviting him over for the holiday.  But first, my son and he have no relationship.  My son is content that way, even though I know he’s avoiding feeling all the stuff that he had to deal with with his father.  I could not do that to my son. He’s made a lot of progress, and is a great kid, but he’s not ready to deal with his father’s abuse.

I also know that my ex believes everything we had together, all of the money and possessions, were his, not ours….so the fact that I have a lovely home while he lost everything he had because he borrowed so much money and thought he’d never have to pay it back, would just anger him.  He really thought he could lie his way out of of having to pay the money back.  He would look at me and think this house is really his, that it was bought with his money.  The fact that I worked side by side with him for 25 years, and then for 10 more ran his business while he descended into severe alcoholism, means nothing to him. I was there to serve him, not to partner with him.  I’m just so grateful that I got out before he threw it all away and was able to salvage enough to have a nice life for my son and myself.

So I have to leave him alone.  But I’d still like to bring him something, so he’d know we were thinking of him.  He can use that information however he wants, to build his ego or to regret his actions that caused him to lose us.

I got a message from a guy on a dating site this morning.  His profile just made me laugh, it was so obviously a spoof on profiles.  It’s too bad he lives a little too far outside my geographic area, about an hour and a half or so from me.  But God, I hope I actually find someone who has a sense of humor like that.  It would be so much fun.

It seems I mostly get messages from men who live in California, Arizona, Texas….lol.  One this morning from Manitoba Canada, lol.  I live on the east coast, it’s pretty densely populated here.  But most of the profiles I come across are so boring!  Where are all the funny, alive men?  That was the attraction with S, he made me laugh and he was never boring.  If he just could have been honest, geez….

Well time to wrap gifts.  Make cakes. Clean up the kitchen, the house.  My son is working all day, so won’t be home til this evening.  It will be a nice low-key evening and I’m looking forward to it.

Happy Christmas Eve to all.

 

So Disappointed

Posted on by learning to live like water

disappointed

So A and I have been having a conversation.  I told him I cannot support what he’s doing, that it affects our friendship because it affects the way I see him as a man.

I can’t find a redeeming quality in not being monogamous.  He can follow his heart, I just don’t know what he and I would even have in common.  He says, “We can’t be best friends now?”

No.  I have nothing in common with someone who wants to hop beds, whether or not I’m one of the ones he’s hopping into.  I find it distasteful.  I find it callous, thoughtless, a recipe for disaster for someone’s heart.  I’ve had mine shredded from it. I told him I don’t have any friends who are not monogamous with their partner, or wouldn’t be if  they had one.  Not one.  I don’t get along with people who want to have multiple partners.

He says, it is me who keeps breaking his heart….

I know this,  though I never meant to.  I was crazy in love with Scott.  I am not now, I am completely unattached but what does that matter?  I couldn’t love A whether or not Scott was in the picture, not the way A wanted, not the way I loved Scott.  I tried, God knows.

He says, I’m not asking to bed you, but can’t we be friends.  I know that, I said.  But I don’t know what we’d have in common, to base a friendship on.  That speaks to the basic level of commonalities.  If he wants to be like Scott, and have a different woman every night, (which Scott told me was his fantasy), why would I have an intimate close relationship with him, even if the intimacy didn’t involve sex?  I don’t respect that, I can’t honor it.  I can only see the pain it will cause at sometime.  And, I see that it will leave him alone, all alone….which is not what he wants either.

I told A it will not fill his holes. It will not bring him what he wants.  That he’s going to have to be patient, and keep his heart open, and the right woman will come into his life.  But this….this sets him up to break someone’s heart.  I don’t think he wants to do that.  Even if he’s up front about it, which is better than Scott’s deception, but still, is just something ugly, in my book.

I told him he has to follow his heart, he has to do what he has to do, but I won’t be able to support it.  I told him it changes how I see him.

What is with these men in their 60’s who are so focused on having sex that they give up human connection.  My God, their parts might stop working soon, so many men have issues with it at this age.  What will they have when if that happens?  No one, no connection, no one that will soothe their brow, or hold their hand, or kiss them goodnight.  Are they in a hurry to get as much sex in as they can before it happens?

God, such a shallow sad life.  I never dreamed A would have anything in common with S.  But I was wrong.  I am disappointed, so disappointed.  A is honest about it, but in the end, it’s the same thing.  A shallow attempt to fill an empty soul.  The answers will never lay in sucking the energy from someone else.  Neither one of these men understands that the answers are within, and that’s the only place they will find them.

Is He a Narcissist? Maybe…..

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’ve been reading about narcissists, and relationships.  And sociopaths.  I always thought my ex was a sociopath…he fit the bill perfectly.  I think S, my only other relationship, was more of a narcissist.  In my never-to-be-humble but honest opinion.

Here’s what I just read about a narcissist in a relationship, from Emmagc75’s blog Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse.  ( https://emma75love.wordpress.com/2015/12/11/recovering-from-narcissistic-abuse-2/ )

“People with narcissistic traits are known for targeting intelligent, self-sufficient, empathic individuals as partners. They tend to lack core identity (Brown, 2013), and need narcissistic supply to fill their empty psyches. Narcissistic supply comes mostly in the form of adulation, adoration, and attention, but any sort of feedback allows the individual with narcissistic qualities to feel alive (including negative attention). ”

I don’t know about Betty Boop, but I am intelligent enough to be self-sufficient, and empathetic (which is why I feel his energy so acutely at times).  I am sure I filled S’s need for adoration and attention.  I believe it’s why he could not let go of me.   I can’t say my ex thrived on adoration, because I didn’t adore him, but I did S.

And those of us who have been involved with someone like this, have a hard time getting over it because not only do we have to deal with a “fake relationship” but we have to deal with emotional and possibly sexual abuse.  There’s usually a good bit of post-traumatic stress thrown in there.

And yes, having sex with us both for months without us knowing about the other, is sexual and emotional abuse. It feels like rape, to be honest. Telling me that he was going to be with her, and then refusing to let me go, trying to get me to see him, to have sex with him, continuing intimate conversations when he was “with” someone else (even though he denied that he was with her, he only admitted that he slept with her once a week, making it sound like he was just getting laid….) is sexual and emotional abuse.  Denying her to me, and hiding me from her, is emotional abuse of both of us, in two ways.  It is a lie, but it is also betrayal of the relationship he had with either of us, to deny it to the other.  The narcissist disappears for hours or days.  He is unreliable, read that, lies.

The thing is, he didn’t just do it to me.  He did it to her too.  So…while it’s obviously personal, he devastated me, now I can see that that’s who he is.  He didn’t give me special treatment, he didn’t single me out….he gave it to her too.  He acted it out differently with each of us. He had a long history with her, which differentiated how he abused her from how he abused me.  He’s probably done something similar to every other woman in his life, all of whom he claimed “hurt” him.  He used to say, “how could I have been so wrong about her (Betty)?”  Oh that’s funny, when he was the one who had sex with her (former) best friend and caused the break-up during which I met him.  Did he think she would stay?  Geezus.

Which is, just, Wow.  The man walks through life devastating people who innocently and lovingly buy into his bullshit, and then claims he’s been hurt.  I remember him saying to me when all the lies and deception were exposed, but Betty didn’t know yet, how he was hurt too. That’s just funny, really.  HE was hurt?  OMG, I feel so sorry for him, lol. He lies and deceives two women who loved him, and speaking only for myself, beyond limit and reason, and when both women refused to play his game, he is hurt.  OMG.  It’s like theater of the absurd.  I have to laugh, now.

God, he has no idea what hurt is.  NONE.  He’s incapable of that much emotion.  You can’t set yourself up knowingly to fail, and then cry about it.

But still….I feel sorry for him, because he’s never going to know the joy of real connection in his lifetime.  I still don’t know why I feel him so much.  And, I am still a believer in the power of unconditional love, (which means, I have to love him in that generic way because we don’t get to pick and choose who we love if we believe in unconditional love and it’s those who appear to least deserve it that need it the most) and when I feel his energy winding it’s way into my gut, I’ll continue to send him Reiki.  He used to talk about going to live in a monastery for 6 months, and I’d laugh….because I couldn’t imagine him going with out sex that long, lol.  But it would be a good thing for him to do, with counseling.  Maybe he could salvage the remaining years of his life.  And stop fucking over people who love him.  If there are any left.

They say a narcissist loves attention, and so does a sociopath.  Doesn’t matter if it’s positive or negative attention, it’s just attention.  It’s just knowing that someone else’s head is wrapped around them.  Well…S, this one’s on me.  Here’s a bunch of attention for you.  I hope you enjoy it.

But really, I hope you take it to heart, and get some help, and learn how to love people and let them love you.  There’s so much more to living than playing these childish games. Love always.

 

 

The Biggest Fool

Posted on by learning to live like water

Christmas lights twinkle, and I sit here alone again, watching The Voice, my solitude broken by my son’s intermittent energy erupting into the family room.   I am ok alone, I always have been.

When I was married, I loved being alone.  At least for the last 10 years.  To have peace in the house, not to be dealing with the alcoholic temper, not to be worrying at least for a little while, what was going to set him off on one of his crazy tangents.

My ex is in a bed of his own making.  Renting the tiny cottage next door to the house we lived in for 30 years, he lived there for almost 40.  But it was not too big a change in his address, just one number.  One number in his phone number.  And he can still look out in the morning and see the lake.  I don’t think I could do that, though, see my old house every day that I lost in foreclosure.  I’d want to get away.  But he never did what one might expect.  I’ve known him for 46 years.  I’ve seen the changes that took over him little by little, and turned him into someone I just didn’t love anymore.  I’m not surprised, but saddened at his state.

It still is hard for me to to reconcile the S of the last 8 months with who I thought he was.  I mean, yeah, it’s in my face, and no I don’t want him in any way.  Just seems so incongruous.  I guess there was always a hint of it,  but when he did the prison whore, he couldn’t wait to get it off his chest.  He came to my house and stood up and talked about it, which I know was hard for him, until I understood enough of where he was to believe it was an anomaly and let him back into my life.

But this….he just lied and deceived two women who adored him for so long, for so many months.  Daily, hourly with me, lies.  He knew, he absolutely knew, that we didn’t want any part of a triangle.  I guess I shouldn’t speak for Betty, but from all Scott told me, she didn’t.  He knew for sure that I didn’t.  He once talked about swinging when he was younger… I just looked at him, like how?  How did you do that?

He used to say he wasn’t jealous, and if I had sex with someone else he wouldn’t be jealous.  Only if I loved someone else.  But when I was with A for the short time after the prison whore, and I was coming home from Florida and A was picking me up at the airport, S asked me not to let him sleep with me.  And A fully expected to, he was picking me up at midnight.  I hadn’t seen Scott in about a month, maybe longer, but I’d thought only about him when I was in Florida. We made plans to get together the day after I came back.  I said, we won’t have sex if he does.  S said, “sleeping with someone is pretty intimate.”  So, he pretended he wasn’t jealous to himself, but it was just a shell.  He didn’t want anyone else to be with his woman, whoever it might be.  At least, that’s the guy he showed me.

I don’t remember a break in our texting all summer on Saturday nights when he was with B. Not until I knew about her.  Then I would hear from him Saturday morning til early afternoon and then Sunday when he was alone.  But all summer…I don’t remember thinking where is he, why won’t he answer me, on Saturday night.  He must have taken his phone in the bathroom, or waited til Betty was out of the room.  We’d be texting and sexting as normal….

Damn, he was good.  Gutsy.  But in the end, I’m free of him.  I had nothing but a heart and soul full of love for him to get out of my system. I mean, no long term plans.  Just more desire than I’ve ever had for anyone.   Oh he talked about visiting me in Florida, how much he’d like that, but that was bs, just idle talk to draw me in, if he was with her.  He couldn’t have taken a week off, lol.  I was so angry he wouldn’t go with me in June, after he’d been looking at airfares and making plans.  He would say are you still mad about that?  “Yes”, I’d say for weeks after.  “It was stupid.  We could have had so much fun.  My sister lives in friggin’ paradise (2 blocks from the gulf, with a fenced in yard with lagoon pool) and it would have cost air fare.  We’d have had it alone.  Skinny dipping in the pool, walking the beach at night, we could have found a secluded spot to….”  And he’d go silent, because he couldn’t tell me the real reason, he thought I’d buy his bullshit story.  I never did.  But I sure didn’t think he was with her….

She and I will be ok.  B is attractive, she will find a man who can be faithful to her. I know right now she thinks she’ll never love again, but she will.   I think I can too.  I don’t think all that many men in their 60’s are interested in seeing how many women they can have.  Most of us are sick to death of games by this age.

Oh well.  Don’t know why I’m going here tonight.  Just still trying to see the man as he was, trying to put the pieces together still. I don’t know why.   It’s simple.  He is good at what he does, he fooled me, and he fooled her.  I think, in hindsight, he was probably the biggest fool of all though.

Peace out.  Love and light to all.

 

To The Shore, Or Not….

Posted on by learning to live like water

Sleep did not evade me last night!  I got about 8 hours, albeit broken by waking up every couple of hours.  But I got back to sleep pretty easily without Ambien.  Yay!

My energy is my own this morning, and that feels good.  No angst, except about how I’m going to do everything I want to do and still maybe get to the shoreline, lol.  Grocery shopping first, my fridge is so bare! And putting the outside lights up, which shouldn’t take all that long.  I promised my son I’d make cookies too.

The shore is about 45 minutes from me, which means an hour and a half drive time.  Maybe an hour there.  Maybe take a pad of paper and my kindle, read and write.  Or just use my phone to write.  I think I need to go.  Need those negative ions that blow off the water and connect to my soul.  The endless sky and water, and the islands, the places of my dreams that are also places I have some warm memories of.

I have some memories of S at the place I would go.  (That’s a pic of it at the top of the page.)  Our first date, which ended because the park closed.  We spent the whole day together there by the water, just walking and talking.  It is also the place where he first told me he wanted to be alone, it was last spring, and figure out what he needed to do with his life. He said, “I think I’m gonna break your heart again.”  I answered with a smile, “Again?” We walked on the beach, we sat at a picnic table, we walked around the park and talked.  I didn’t get upset, at all.  I remember he was turned around as to where he was in relation to the water and the islands, and insisted that one island was another.  These were the waters I lived on, on my boat, for 30 years, so I told him when we walked up on a ridge he’d see I was right.  And of course I was.  I laughed and said, “See….here you have a woman who knows the waters around here like the back of her hand and you don’t want her…”  He looked at me and said, “It’s never been a question of not wanting you.”

I asked if it was a temporary or a permanent break, he said “I didn’t think temporary  was an option.”  I told him that I think he probably needs to do it, and if he wanted he could just check in with me when he felt like it, let me know how he’s doing.

Obviously, that was all because Betty was back in his life, I know now.  Why he didn’t want to tell me the truth I don’t know.  But at any rate, when I didn’t get upset and just was a friend to him, he asked me if I wanted to come over for dinner (which never meant just dinner).  So much for not seeing me anymore.  I said to him, “you just said you wanted to be alone….” He said, “but I like you so much when you’re like this….”  Lol.

I do think he had a soft spot for me, and in some warped way wanted to keep me in his life, while he kept her.  It’s just too bad that he couldn’t own the truth with me.  He could have kept me in his life if he had, as a friend.  If he could own what he’s done now, we might be friends again.  I never could hold a serious grudge.  Even for this, if he’s learned his lesson and can stop lying to me. I would never be intimate with him again, but we could at least talk, he could still make me laugh.  Maybe.  If he could own his story, and stand up and be counted.

Of course, he may be holding a grudge with me, for making him tell her, for bringing the truth out.  But I think, really, he knows that it’s his own actions that caused the situation.  Not the fact that I insisted the truth be on the table.

At any rate, I don’t feel like I’d be triggered into anything if I go there.  I feel like it’s all a story of my past now.  Distance and time have given me back my own life.

Time for me to get my day underway, if I really want to get everything done today.

 

 

Energy-Laden Random Thoughts

Posted on by learning to live like water

Feeling all over the place this morning.  Trying to put this stuff in some kind of random order, so I know where I am.

I went out with a friend last night.  First time I have been out in ages, maybe since S and I split up.  It was good for me.  We went to a little Italian restaurant and sat at the bar.  It’s in a small town on the Connecticut River. A band began to play at 9, and opened with Van Morrison’s “Into the Mystic”, which is one of my favorite songs of all time.  Then they did Van Morrison’s “Caravan”.  Also love that.  Love Van Morrison.  Then they did 2 Neil Young songs, “Old Man” and “Heart of Gold”. Love him too.

It’s been AGES since I listened to live music. They were pretty good too, and funny between songs.  They could have used a sax on the Van Morrison stuff but it was still great.  I was sitting in my bar stool, singing along, kind of seat dancing to it.  I laughed when they played Tom Petty “I Won’t Back Down” because the first time I saw a psychic, I was battling with S over his offers of a “nice afternoon”, aka a physical relationship.  And the spirits and guides that showed up, the psychic said, came in singing that song.  She, the psychic, had never met me before, and only knew my first name.  She said, “they’re singing Stand your ground, don’t back down.”  My friends kept looking at me while she was telling me this, we had just discussed this on the way to the psychic in the car.

So here I was listening to this music, first “Into the Mystic” which S always said was his favorite Van Morrison song, and Neil Young.  One night S and I watched a 2 hour special on Neil Young.  I remember laying in his bed one afternoon listening to a Neil Young CD, such a pleasant afternoon.  And then “I Won’t Back Down” which made me laugh.  Lots of his energy hanging around me.

It was around all day yesterday, I was feeling his energy.  Strongly in the morning, not so much in the afternoon.  Then last night at about 1:30 I was wide awake and had some very strong feelings from him.  I fought with myself not to do what I would have done 2 or 3 months ago and sent him a text asking if he was ok, or wanted to talk.  It felt panicky.  But I didn’t.  I knew that doing that would end up in the wrong place, would be taken wrong.  And just because I feel it, doesn’t mean he wanted to talk to me.  If he did, or does, want to talk to me,  he knows how to reach me.  I let him deal with it himself, and finally got to sleep by sending him reiki to calm him down energetically.  Of course, he didn’t ask, but if he doesn’t want the reiki energy he won’t get it.  It will just hang outside his aura.  It can never hurt….  I felt everything calming finally, maybe it just calmed me.  But anyway, I got 4 or 5 hours of sleep finally.

Thinking  of going to the shore this weekend.  We are having exceptional weather for December.  Sunny, not too cold. I need to put up a notice at the yacht club to try to sell my boat slip, and I haven’t been to the water for a long long time.  It would do me a lot of good.  Maybe take a sandwich over to the park where S and I had our first date.  It’s a beautiful place.  I don’t think it would trigger anything bad, but would bring some peace.  Maybe tomorrow, it’s going to be close to 60°, which is crazy here in December.

So it’s all good.  I’ll get a lot of stuff done around the house today, make a nice dinner for my son and I.  Maybe catch up with some friends.  Just a nice quiet life.

 

A Good Place

Posted on by learning to live like water

a good place.jpg

Feeling a little passively content this morning.  Not so angry at S, as I have been for 24 hours, which followed reading my blogs from last summer.  I had a hard time with them.  I was in so much pain, all summer.  Trying to make sense of what was happening to our relationship, nothing fitting together. I know he read every one of them, and knew the pain he was causing with his lies, and didn’t care….as long as he was getting what he wanted.

But that’s who he is.  He is who he is, I’m just glad to know now, and be out of it.  I accept him as he is, I don’t invite him into my life though.

I’m sure that the loving attention I get from A has soothed the anger.  It reminds me how insignificant S’s behavior is, in the face of someone loving you.  Sometimes I want to be with A, but I’m so fickle right now, I know sometimes I won’t. Or, I’m afraid I won’t.  Right now, he is not rushing, or pushing me in any direction, he’s just loving me, and I’m just loving him, from a distance, and it is very healing.  Just the right amount of relationship for me, while I continue to put the one with S in it’s proper place, and gain perspective on it.

I’ve learned that I caused so much of the pain I experienced, by trusting S with out his having earned my trust.  I’ve learned that I have to love myself first, and demand what I need.  Over the summer, I thought what I needed was him, but when he refused, what I needed and demanded was that he let me go.  I realize now, that I should have just gone, I didn’t need his permission, or release, because he wasn’t going to give it.  He wanted me to continue to adore him, to desire him…..no matter the cost to me.

I’m stronger now, and wiser.  Whoever I love next, will get a balanced, more mature love, and all the passion I lavished on S…I will have more for the next one.  Because I will make wiser choices, I will love myself more and know my own worth and therefore, attract someone who also feels that way about himself and me. No more high school drama.

It’s all good.  I’m in a good place this morning.  Content again.

Tale of Two Men, or , Too Long In the Darkness

Posted on by learning to live like water

two men

One man is mad with power.  Unable to feel empathy.  Disrespectful of everyone’s wishes, desires, love, care….dishonors everyone, in the pursuit of what he wants.  Never accountable for the destruction that he leave behind him with every footstep.   Convincingly, he tells people what they want to hear, and when they believe his false story, he uses them to do his bidding.  So they will fill his need, his desire.  He offers them some future compensation that he knows he will never give them.  Pretty soon everything he says is a lie, and darkness surrounds him and follows him and envelops anyone who tries to love him.

One man is vulnerable, sweet, loving, fearless.  He feels others pain, more acutely than his own, and is there. Beside them.  Wiping their tears, reminding them they have worth.  Sees people at their worst and tells them that’s when he loves them the most.   He never misses a chance to connect. To be kind.  To show his love, even if he knows you don’t feel quite the same. The light follows him everywhere, every word, every breath.  If he goes into the dark, he brings the light with him.

With the first man, the love was fire, and now it’s ash.  It’s a gray film on the heart, all the loving fire has been dulled, and burned out, burned away.  The fire of lies, and deception reduced it all to nothing but powdery ash, waiting for the first rain to wash it into the ground, to begin transformation into something else.

With the he second man, the love was cool, and now it builds.  He is easy, his warmth crosses the miles.  His unconditional love floats on the breeze and caresses my soul.  She thinks, why….do I deserve this?  It’s not to ask….

There is no asking, why, for either of them.

One chooses disconnection, disinterest, disharmony, solitary solitude.  Why?  It’s not to ask, it’s his to tell, if he ever chooses to.  Or to hide.  Or to hide from.

One chooses love, connection, compassion, kindness richness of life.  His light just shines.  Why?  It’s not to ask.  It’s to accept. Why?  It’s his to tell if he chooses.  Or to live.  He doesn’t care why, he just is.

Two men, a perfect dichotomy.  Everything one is, the other is not.  The ying and the yang, clear in front of me.   I rest.  Too long in the darkness, I seek the light.

 

Soothed

Posted on by learning to live like water

My lovely weekend had a little blip last night.  But it didn’t last, it didn’t hurt. It just triggered some anger, some negative emotion.

It was soothed by a long intimate conversation with A, until way past my bedtime.  At times I wish A was here with me that way.  I love him too.  Our relationship is close, deep, intimate, a human connection. Telling secrets, being honest, and non-judgmental.  It is so good for me, right now, to have a man in my life I can trust completely, implicitly.

He asked me to send a pic of S, he wanted to visualize the devil.  I obliged, I only have one picture on my phone still.  The rest are on the computer that crashed.

A tells me a woman invited him to her hot tub.  He tells me he doesn’t trust her. But he’s going to go anyway, lol.  I said, go….but does she know about the one in MI you are going to see?  No….but he said he wasn’t going to get intimate with the hot tub woman.

We watch out for each other, we love each other more than friends, not like lovers, but deeply.  We are a blessing to each other.  He tells me I saved his life.  I tell him, he saved mine when S tried to crush my soul.  A has always been there for me, to pick me up, to make me look in the mirror, and see that I am still a beautiful person, worthy of love and belonging.  Even with the faults that the mirror shines back at me.  He offers his shoulder, he offers his heart.  He gives me a soft place to land. I hope I do that for him too.

Lucky, so lucky to have him in my life.  It’s no coincidence that we met the day after Scott told me about doing the prison whore, when I was so down, so miserable, so broken.  He was and is a gift from the universe.

I told him, I can be such a shit…and he said, yes, and I love that about you too.

It’s a love like the sun has for the earth….he never says I owe him.  I never say he owes me.

Blessed.

 

 

Feeling Content

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

 

contentment-275x206Putting up Christmas decorations today. All but the tree. I’ll get to that maybe tonight, the lights at least. The rest of it tomorrow.

I didn’t go to the sweat lodge today. The sweat lodge tends to be emotional, a way to release, to reconnect with yourself at the deepest level. It’s good, sometimes. But I have been emotional now for so long. Riding the roller coaster of emotions, I just didn’t want to be emotional today. Or this weekend. I am sick of my emotions, sick of crying, sick of being angry, sick of it all. I just want to move on, and live a normal life, with all that chaos and drama in the past. Where it belongs.

So, in addition to the Christmas decorations I did laundry, cleaned my kitchen, changed the sheets on my bed, put stuff away as I took stuff out, lol.  I also managed to get my new computer updated so I could install the printer without freezing the computer.  And I had to work at downloading Open Office too.  But I got it all done, seems to be working ok.  Every time I installed the new printer on this computer it would lock it up and I’d have to reset it to the initial settings.  Grrr.

Then I sat down to take a break. I found a movie I’ve wanted to see on On-Demand, for free. It was A Winter’s Tale, with Colin Firth and Russell Crowe. I had a few mixed emotions about it.

Scott had given me the book last spring, one of the last times I was at his house. It was a nice gesture. He said he just thought I might like it, a blend of fantasy, and fiction, love across the ages. A few weeks later he began to push me away, because she was back, unknown to me. I loved the book, it is one of my favorite books now.

One of the many times I tried to break it off with him, he asked me to give him the book back. He’d also given me another, Jitterbug Perfume. I guess at some point, I got angry with his little offers of a “nice afternoon” or to come over after work, and never stay. I told him not to come at all, if he wouldn’t stay. What he wanted I didn’t. I sent both books back to him after buying my own copies off of ebay for less than $5 each, including shipping. The break-up didn’t last, we reconciled after a few days. I probably gave in to him, but he might have come for the night too, that happened a couple times. I was just so crazy about him. Geezus.

Anyway, there was a lot of his energy around the movie. I was pretty sure I could deal with the triggers. As it turned out, there were not really any triggers, but the movie was well acted but terrible if you’ve read the book. I didn’t see how they could make a movie of it that would run less than say, 5 hours. Well they did, because they changed the story, and left out huge important parts of it. So….read the book, don’t watch the movie, lol.

The other book, Jitterbug Perfume, is in my desk at work. I started it before we broke up, I read the first few chapters and liked it too. But I’ve picked it up since and it just made me angry and hurt, and I can’t even look at it. Now that I have the facts, I just get disgusted looking at it, so it will stay in my desk drawer at work, where I will hardly ever see it.

Last night I slept without Ambien for the first time in months. I started taking it when I had carpal tunnel, it allowed me to sleep through some of the pain. Then I kept taking it when Scott dumped me, so I could get 5 or 6 hours of sleep. I’ve been afraid to not take it, afraid I wouldn’t sleep. But last night I did ok. I woke up a couple times but got back to sleep.

I got a couple messages from men on a dating site, (NOT OKCupid where I met S!). I’ve messaged with one of them before, and he said he’s looking forward to talking this week. That would be nice. The other guy wrote a very funny message, he made me laugh. Very outside the box, interesting writing style. He’s not my type physically, but his message made me laugh so hard, I answered it anyway. You never know. I love to laugh.

Talked to A this morning for a long while. He has met a woman in Michigan on-line….I was like, A, it’s so far!!! He wants so badly to be in love, he still loves me so much, I know. He told me so twice this morning. But he’s respectful of my wishes, of the fact that I don’t want a long distance relationship, that our chemistry isn’t like that for me. He says he’s going to go to MI to meet this woman, that’s almost as far as here. I’m afraid for him but it’s his deal. He said he will talk to me about it. I told him to trust his gut, that he doesn’t need my energy in the mix. (He said it already is.) I really want him to be happy. He is such a good loving soul. We have never lied to each other, never led each other on. I know I have broken his heart, a couple times, but I did it honestly, I let him know what was going on, and how I felt; He was never blindsided. I owned it, and I stayed with him while he dealt with it. We have had some very tender moments, moments which were real.

It’s nice to have had a few tender moments that were real with a man.

Last night he said he probably needs to live alone for awhile. Because he never has. He lost his wife to cancer in July of 2014. His son lives with him. He said, he is trying to learn how to “uncouple”. I told him I’ve been uncoupled for a long long while (9 years). I don’t include having been with Scott as having been a couple. I was crazy in love with him, but he never let us be a couple. I look back and have to just let it all go, I don’t think it meant anything to him at all.

My son is having “Friendsgiving” tonight at our house.  That should be interesting.  They will stay in his space, he said they’re all bringing food.  I love that energy.

It’s been a nice day, just getting stuff done, no exhausting emotions around anything. Feeling content, looking forward with a smile.