Working Through the Angst

This has been the hardest day yet. Trying to help my son get the bike rack on his car, and I could barely stand there, with the car full of all his stuff. Trying to help him arrange it so it all fit, plus the two carry-on bags that have to go in tomorrow morning. I came back in the house and walked around aimlessly, looking for something to do to take my mind off the fact that this would be the last day I ever spent living in the same house with him.

I decided to go to the store, and pick up snacks for us. He needed a bike lock. I needed to get the hell out where there were people. I managed to suck it up, and get the bike lock. In the store, I couldn’t even imagine what we’d want for snacks in the car because my stomach was so upset. I picked out a few things, then just decided we’d have to stop somewhere along the way and get things to refill the snack bag. I have a small cooler to put water bottles in.

When I got home, we were sitting watching TV together, because his TV was in the car. He put on a movie, a comedy. We both started laughing. Then he said, “Mom, you gotta get it together or this is going to be an awful long trip.” I said, “I’m trying.” I was able to express some heartfelt emotions to him, then. And he to me. And then we just kept talking…..And I think I was able to pull myself back from the edge quite a ways.

He is, as most young people are, a bit self centered, and didn’t realize how hard this was for me, even though I was the one who set it all in motion. And I perhaps have not wanted to burden him with the difficulty I am having with everything, because he’s my kid, and I don’t want him worried about me. But now, I explained to him that even if this house here were paid off, I’d still have to come up with $600 a month in taxes. That I want to be able to enjoy life for a few years. I told him how much money I’ll save there, and he knows how I hate winter. He finally said, “Mom, I’m gonna be 25 on my next birthday. I shouldda been out of the house already.” I smiled and said, “No, I don’t think so. I think you and I needed this house. We needed to be here. This is the happiest place we’ve ever lived and we deserved that. We had 5 good years here, really good for us. Now it’s time for us both to move on.”

So we are on the same page. I feel so much better. The unspoken fears we both had, and perhaps a little misunderstanding between us about what was going on for each of us on an emotional level, were eating at us both. Thank God we are able to communicate, in a loving and close way. No accusations, no blaming. Just listening to each other, and honoring our feelings.

He’s going out with his friends for sushi tonight. I’m going to a gong bath. Then we’ll come home, and go to bed, and begin our new adventure tomorrow. I think I’ll be ok. I think I see the light returning to my psyche.

Breathing, exhaling. I have a great kid. He has a great future in front of him, and so do I.

Love and light.

First Monday of Not Working

My son asked me Saturday how my first day of retirement was. I said, “Well, it’s Saturday and I wouldn’t have been at work anyway, so it feels the same.” This morning is Monday, and I woke up early as usual. I tried to go back to sleep, but no such luck. Lists and plans and things that need doing kept stirring around my mind and finally I stopped fighting it and got up.

Now, sitting here in the early dawn, with my coffee, in the quiet, it does occur to me that, no, I don’t have to go to work today. I do wish I could sit on my deck in the cool morning air, but I don’t have a chair I can put out there. So, I opened the slider to let the cool air in, and listen to the birds.

My friend made me a spectacular Maine lobster dinner last night, 2 lobsters each. I don’t think I’ve ever eaten two, but I did these. Also salad, backed potatoes, green beans. I was shocked. Just feel so blessed that they wanted to do that for me. God I will miss this family. But they said they will come to visit, and will also give me a room next summer. Really lucky to have such close friends.

Feeling a little nostalgic, a little sad this morning, I suppose because I saw last night how much I will miss my people here. It’s certainly an emotional roller coaster. I think I’ll be fine when I get on the road to Florida, but this morning, the distance between now and then seems so great. So many people I want to see before I leave here.

I’ll get through it, as I always do.

When I got home my son informed me that the front door lock was broken. The deadbolt has been unable to be locked from the inside for awhile. There’s another lock in the door handle, which we really never use. But apparently, unknown to me, my son has been and now it doesn’t work either. It feels stuck, so I’m going to go buy a can of WD40 and spray it this morning. I sure hate to call a locksmith when I’ll only be here two more weeks. Seems ridiculous. But I can’t leave it unlocked for the week I’ll be gone.

My son also told me he thinks there’s a skunk living under my deck. I said, “OMG, I better get some repellent or something.” He said, “No….leave it for the new people.” LOL. He’s mad at the $5k they took from me too, lol. I will have to get my friend Peter’s big extension ladder out from underneath the deck though. I hope the skunk is not in residence when we try to do that!

Feeling pretty good this morning. A little tentative, but ok. I’m usually better as the day wears on and I get things accomplished. Moving along…

Love and light everyone.

Gettin’ In The Groove

It took me awhile to get in the groove today. But I did, finally. I slept well last night, but woke up still exhausted. I guess it’s just emotional exhaustion. Goodbyes, so many. So many well wishes on FB. Of course, there is one person who has remained silent, but I suppose that’s for the best.  Whatever….   I hate leaving things on a bad note, that’s all.  But again….maybe it’s just for the best.  You know, I heard from Addie, the man whose heart I broke a few times, but not from the man who caused me to do it.  But you know, that’s who they each are.  I was really pleased to hear from Addie.  He’s always been there for me.  He understands what love always means.

I got a good amount of stuff done today. I think I’m ahead of the game. I got more stuff thrown into the pile of stuff getting hauled to the dump. Also got my floors vacuumed up and downstairs. I’ve been neglecting the normal housework stuff.  Got the two rugs I’m taking rolled up. And have about half the kitchen packed. So really…not that much left to do. I have to finish my clothes but not until I know what’s going in my suitcase for driving down.

I decided starting in Monday we will be on paper plates and plastic cups so I can get the dishes packed. And when I come back from CO, no more cooking. Pots and pans are gonna get packed that weekend, and finishing my clothes and bathroom stuff. I’ll have to stay at my friend Susan’s who is driving down with me for a couple nights before we go.

But I’m ready. I have the plan, I have the schedule. I think I’ve thought it through and not left anything out. When I get to FL, my friend who lives there, and my friend who lives across the state in Daytona will be there. Susan will stay until Monday afternoon. So I have some people to help me move in.

I stopped working today at about 3 PM and promptly fell asleep on my couch. At 4 I got up and decided to run some errands and get a few things at the grocery store. And now, I’m starting dinner, but also sitting with a nice Gosling’s rum and coke with a half a lime squeezed in. Feeling relaxed. Content. I have so much to do this week, the fact that I’m not working is incidental, really. But the fact is, I’m pretty relaxes about it because I don’t have to work.

Which still friggin’ blows my mind.

Well, I think I’ll go get some stuffed olives out of the frig, and have a snack with my drink.

Love and light, all.

Emotional Packing

 

packing

I’ve found I can only pack and sort things for about 2 or 3 hours a day. I just get too emotional. So attached to some things, which it would be stupid to take, but it’s so hard to let them go. One of them….well, I just stuffed it in a box. It was a huge teddy bear that was a Christmas gift to my son for his first Christmas. I just couldn’t let it go. It’s been sitting in the rocking chair in my room since forever, even before I left his father.

So many other things. I had emails between S and I that I’d printed out, I had pieces of writing from 20 years ago, I had memories, memories. So hard. I managed to throw most of that stuff out, but it made me melancholy, to be leaving everything I have known as an adult. I lay down on the chaise in my living room and cried for a few minutes. I laid down on my bed, and just closed my eyes to process all that has happened to me in the 40 years I’ve lived here.Everything that has brought me to this moment, of packing up my life of 40 years, and sorting out the things I want to take with me.  Lay there for about an hour.

My son asked me twice today what was wrong. I just said, “You know, it’s just big changes…so many big changes.” But I decided that I was done packing and sorting for the day. I changed my clothes, put on some makeup and went to the store to get laundry detergent and limes so I could have a drink when I got back, maybe read a book or something.

I got to the store, and as the universe does, I walked through the parking lot right into my bff who I am able to tell anything to, and told her how my morning was. She knows me, she gets it. She is always, has always been there for me. Even when I didn’t listen to her about S, she stuck with me while I figured it out. So we talked, it was the best thing that could have happened to me to run into her. She said she’d pick me up at the airport on the 8th when I get home. Awesome.

When I got home, instead of making the drink I was going to, I made a frozen peach strawberry daiquiri for my son and myself. It wasn’t bad, considering it was the first time I’ve made one in maybe 20 years, lol. Then I sat on the couch and began really mapping out our trip to Denver. We’re going to do somewhere around 500 miles a day, and then the last day only have about 350 to do. I got hotel phone numbers so we can call and make reservations.

Then I did the same for the trip to Florida which is a full day shorter.

Then a girl which whom he is close friends came over, had the last of the daiquiris and they decided they’d make me dinner. 🙂  Good kids.

I think I’m at the point I can stop obsessing about making sure everything is packed up for my mover’s date. I think I’m well ahead of the game now. When I stop working next weekend, I’ll have all week to get most of the house finished. I will leave the kitchen until I get back from Denver.

It gets more real every day. Most everyone I know I’ll see again. They’ll be down to see me, or I’ll be up to see them. There are some people I won’t see again though, and some I won’t get to say goodbye to. I guess I just have to do the best I can. The love I have for them will always be. I think they know that.

Love and light, all.

Money With Wings

I swear, money is flying out of my hands. $500 car taxes, $275 for taxes on my slip, $300 for medicare, $300 to the town I live in in FL for water, garbage for 6 months. Not to mention the $5K I had to give the buyers, and the $2500 on the hot water heater. Plus electric bills, and gas bills…..I have to pay this, and get my son to Denver, and get myself moved. Yikes. Well, I’ll figure it out. I only planned to work 25 hours a week or so in Florida but may have to go for full time for awhile, and make back up all this expense. Someone told me I could Uber and make some decent money, probably true in season down there.

It will be nice there though, no taxes on my cars, tiny taxes on my house. No state income tax. People say the insurance on the cars is higher there, but there’s no state income tax on them, so in the end I’ll save money.

Money, I swear, it’s the bane of existence. Wish I could figure out how to live without it, lol.

I booked the movers last night. There went another $350 deposit on the move. (Shakes head…) I have to finish my throw away piles this week, and call someone to come take it all to the dump. I haven’t found anyone who wants my old washer and dryer, so I guess that will be hauled away by someone, and maybe my couch in the basement. Geezus.

Meanwhile, I packed up some of my artwork last night, but it’s hard to do too much at night after working 9 hours. And work has been hectic, and the people I’m training are kind of going into panic mode, realizing I’ll be gone soon. Especially, the one I’m training for my job. She seems to be hesitant to go to my boss and ask questions, fearing looking stupid or something. I ask him all the time, and it’s why we have a good relationship, because I find out how he wants things handled, and do them correctly. So I hope I can help her over that hurdle of asking him. It helps that I have run my own company. I don’t have any ego tied into my job, I just want to do it the way he wants it done.  I used to get so pissed at employees who wouldn’t ask and then screwed things up.  Or left them undone for the not knowing how to do them.

So here I am just muddling through this stuff, again. It will be nice when I’m on my way, and all this stuff is done. Just need to remember to breathe. Just breathe.

Love and light.

Selling Off A Bit of My Sacred Space

deck furniture

I have a few things that I need to sell or give away, large items, before I move. Yesterday I put some ads on a FB page that is a never-ending tag sale for my town only. I put my deck furniture and my grill up, for $50 each. I could have sold the deck furniture 10 times in 3 hours, it was amazing. A guy is coming by today to get it. I think I paid Walmart $150 or something for it when I moved in. It needs new cushions, they are all thread-bare now.

But I will miss it. It’s where I sit in the summer, in the morning, in the evening. It’s where S and I used to sit and talk, or star gaze for hours. We watched the meteor shower out here one night. One night we saw moondogs, it was my first time. But I digress. There are so many memories for me, every time I start sorting and packing. This will be good to let go of. One less reminder of what was and wasn’t.

Still, it feels like I’m selling off pieces of my sacred space.  Gotta let go of stuff, like the Buddha says, Non-attachment is the way.

For the next few weeks, I’ll just have to pull another chair out here, and maybe a tv table.

I didn’t get any bites on the grill, which needs new burners. My son said they are not a big deal to put in. The grill cost me $350 or so, It’s in good shape except the burners. It’s a really good grill.

Today I have to clean up the washer and dryer in the basement, the spare ones, and get them listed. I brought them with me from the condo I had been living in, they are perfectly good. I thought my son might want them if and when he moved out, never forseeing the moves that would happen 5 years later. And I have a couch and loveseat in the basement, that he uses. They are both pull-out beds, nice green microfiber. I also bought those for the condo I rented for 4 years. I need to sell them too. Or I’ll have to just give them away.

My neighborhood is having a tag sale next Saturday. So whatever is left, I will try to sell then. I have a lot of just stuff I’m not taking. Like a door wreath for the winter with a snowman on it. Not really appropriate for Florida, LOL. Snow shovels, maybe a rake.

This morning I need to get to the grocery store, and clean up my kitchen counters and floors, then continue with the packing and sorting. It feels overwhelming at times. So much to do.

Last night my girlfriend who is also moving when I’m moving, went out with me for a bite to eat. I just could not put together a meal. Tired, I guess. And needed some human connection, after being alone all day with my thoughts and memories. So we went to a local Mexican restaurant, I had shrimp and bacon quesadillas, it was good. One glass of wine and that was it. It’s been so great to have a friend going through this same thing, albeit she is only moving 15 miles from here, and not stopping working, and her kids will stay with her. So not the same, but still, similar.

At least I’m moving along down this path, getting things done. I hope I don’t have to be at the closing, and can leave a day or two before the closing. Gotta get an answer on that from my atty.

Onward….. Love and light, all.

 

Picture at top is my deck furniture.  🙂

Blowin’ Away on the Summer Wind

summer wind

I walked with my cousin this morning, a short walk, just a couple of miles. The rain stopped, it was cloudy, and though it was very humid, it was cooler, not quite 80. It was a pleasant change. It’s was that way all day, til a short time ago.

We talk, deep and honest, always. I talked to her about moving, and when I talked about leaving my son in Denver, I started crying. Geezus.

The walk was nice, but I can’t even talk about that without losing it. I don’t know how I’m going to actually do it.

Then I went to the grocery store this afternoon. I ran into one of my best friends there. We have known each other 22 years, since our kids were 2 and in Story Hour at the library together. Her daughter and my son were born on the same day. My son is older, lol, by 3 hours. A fact he never let her daughter forget.  She was part of our small book club.

She had just come home from a big family vacation to Ireland and England, with some side trips, one to Paris for a few days, I think. I had called her to see if she wanted to go for a walk about 3 or 4 weeks ago and she said, “Um…I’m in Ireland.” LOL. I said, “Oh, I guess you don’t want to go then…..” And laughed. We talked a little, texted a little.

So it was good to see her, and just catch up briefly. I told her I sold the house while she was gone, and she looked happy and sad in the same moment. We talked about it briefly, because she had an engagement she had to get to, but I choked up again, talking about taking son to CO. I am a basket case. I so wish he had a father. Or I should say, a father who wasn’t a sociopath. Anyway, we are going to try to get the book club together to say goodbye the week after next.

I truly can’t believe I’ll be out of here in 6 weeks. I’ve feel like I’ve been talking about it forever. It’s been so often, my final escape from so much drama in my life, from men who can’t love, or won’t, who have caused me so much pain.  Men who have taken all I would give, and given me back nothing except pain, and heartache, and lies.

Now I look at it as just an awesome thing I get to do. I’m so over all of that. I think about it, and I think, the drama goes on, I’m sure. Just without me. Because, really….how could there ever be any trust there? Yeah, she lied, a small tiny lie to make him stop lying to her, to make him believe he’d been caught red-handed.  I seriously only objected to it because she involved me, and it just wasn’t true. But really, he’s the one who cannot tell the truth. How could she ever ever trust her heart to him again? So much like my ex. Just cannot talk without trying to manipulate someone.

I feel like, she’s just in her comfort zone with him, and willing to put up with his bullshit.  She was never going to talk to him again, twice now, til I did.  So she did.  What kind of foundation for a relationship is that?  If I’d told him to come here that night 6 weeks ago when he asked me so many times….what would she have done then?  Wanted him back?  I was leaving anyway….who knows?  Such a game they play.

Whatever. It’s none of my business. Sometimes I just go off on a tangent, it was part of my life way too long.  I still feel connected to him on some level, it’s weird.  But it doesn’t stop me from living this life.  If we are connected through past lives, which I feels sure we are, we will bump into each other again.  But this life time….I don’t think so.

The whole point, now, is….I get to retire.  I don’t have to work, unless I want to.  I intend to find a part-time job, grocery money.  I get to live by the water, which has always been my other home.  I get to do the things I love to do, that I have a passion for, and not spend the bulk of my time at a stressful job.  I will be so free.  As hard as it will be to say goodbye to my son, the fact that he’s not going to be living with me, makes me all the more free.

I didn’t do any packing today. Just normal house chores. Laundry, shopping, making some food so we’ll have food to eat during the week. Now I’m outside in the sacred space, lol. With a dark rum and diet coke and half a lime squeezed into it. Feeling pretty content. Sun is out, and it’s breezy. This mornings humidity is blowing away.

As are the last years tears, and pain, and drama. Blowing away, leaving cool, clean energy in it’s place. Life is so good.

Love and light, everyone.