Tag Archives: unconditional love

A Going-Away Party

Posted on by learning to live like water

My bff, as I suspected she would, had a surprise going-away party for me last night. She’d asked me to dinner, but I know her. I knew I wasn’t going to get away with just a dinner. So when I got there about 20 of my closest friends were there.

I started to cry, just for a second, that they were all there, for me. No one, ever, has thrown a surprise party for me. Just was so nice, just wrapped up in the love of the people I love. They’ve all said they wanted to come see me in FL. I know not all of them will, I know some of them will.

We ate, and drank, and told stories, and laughed. I love going to my bff’s house, because I know I will laugh there until my stomach hurts. I only had one drink. I was tired when I got there. But it was just fun, relaxing. Caught up with everyone before I left.

A few people gave me gifts, which totally surprised me. How nice! I am going to have to get some cards that I can write thank you notes on, to all the people at work and my friends.

I don’t think there’s anyone I haven’t said goodbye to now. And I’ve been good, I’ve barely cried at all. At least not til I’m alone. I think I may cry when I leave town, maybe when I leave my house to go to my friend Susan’s for the two nights before I leave. The movers are coming Tuesday to take my stuff. Wednesday I’ll clean the house, and we’re leaving early Thursday, really early like around 5 am, to beat the NYC traffic because we have to go over one of the bridges over the Hudson. So, I will stay at her house after the movers take my stuff.

I am nervous, and anxious, and excited, and happy, and sad. I have never had so many mixed emotions about anything. Yet, I know it’s the right thing, only choice I can make that makes any sense for me to be able to spend some time not working. So I forge ahead, each day, and make the dream come a little closer. When I get to Florida, Susan will be with me, and my friend Pat from high school who lives there, and my other high school friend Cathy who is coming over from Daytona just to help me move in. So I will be greeted and in the company of more people I love. In October my sister will be down for the winter, I can’t wait for that, to be able to be close to her. It’s all good.

I am so blessed, just so incredibly blessed. That I am able to do this at all, to make this choice, to have had family to help me do it, and life-long friends. My bff toasted me last night, reminding me that we have been friends since I brought her Glorious Morning Muffins when her father died, and we sat at her kitchen table and bonded. 20 years ago. She has stuck with me through my horrible marriage and divorce, and helped me to move out, and advised me to leave Scott in the dust long before I could imagine it, but she was right. She could see how he treated me, and how I was taking it and after my ex, she couldn’t stand to see me let Scott do what he did to me. But she also never got mad at me for my inability to let him go, she knew I really loved him. Though one time, when I asked her to go shopping she said, “Ok, I’ll go, but we’re not talking about him.” LOL. And we didn’t. I don’t think she and I, or any of my friends have ever uttered an unkind word to each other. True true friends. We are there for each other, all of us, without judgment, with only unconditional love.

The path opens, and it is paved with the wonderful things that have been put in my life. I know there are more waiting for me there.

Love and light, everyone.

 

Emotional Packing

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

packing

I’ve found I can only pack and sort things for about 2 or 3 hours a day. I just get too emotional. So attached to some things, which it would be stupid to take, but it’s so hard to let them go. One of them….well, I just stuffed it in a box. It was a huge teddy bear that was a Christmas gift to my son for his first Christmas. I just couldn’t let it go. It’s been sitting in the rocking chair in my room since forever, even before I left his father.

So many other things. I had emails between S and I that I’d printed out, I had pieces of writing from 20 years ago, I had memories, memories. So hard. I managed to throw most of that stuff out, but it made me melancholy, to be leaving everything I have known as an adult. I lay down on the chaise in my living room and cried for a few minutes. I laid down on my bed, and just closed my eyes to process all that has happened to me in the 40 years I’ve lived here.Everything that has brought me to this moment, of packing up my life of 40 years, and sorting out the things I want to take with me.  Lay there for about an hour.

My son asked me twice today what was wrong. I just said, “You know, it’s just big changes…so many big changes.” But I decided that I was done packing and sorting for the day. I changed my clothes, put on some makeup and went to the store to get laundry detergent and limes so I could have a drink when I got back, maybe read a book or something.

I got to the store, and as the universe does, I walked through the parking lot right into my bff who I am able to tell anything to, and told her how my morning was. She knows me, she gets it. She is always, has always been there for me. Even when I didn’t listen to her about S, she stuck with me while I figured it out. So we talked, it was the best thing that could have happened to me to run into her. She said she’d pick me up at the airport on the 8th when I get home. Awesome.

When I got home, instead of making the drink I was going to, I made a frozen peach strawberry daiquiri for my son and myself. It wasn’t bad, considering it was the first time I’ve made one in maybe 20 years, lol. Then I sat on the couch and began really mapping out our trip to Denver. We’re going to do somewhere around 500 miles a day, and then the last day only have about 350 to do. I got hotel phone numbers so we can call and make reservations.

Then I did the same for the trip to Florida which is a full day shorter.

Then a girl which whom he is close friends came over, had the last of the daiquiris and they decided they’d make me dinner. 🙂  Good kids.

I think I’m at the point I can stop obsessing about making sure everything is packed up for my mover’s date. I think I’m well ahead of the game now. When I stop working next weekend, I’ll have all week to get most of the house finished. I will leave the kitchen until I get back from Denver.

It gets more real every day. Most everyone I know I’ll see again. They’ll be down to see me, or I’ll be up to see them. There are some people I won’t see again though, and some I won’t get to say goodbye to. I guess I just have to do the best I can. The love I have for them will always be. I think they know that.

Love and light, all.

Except Here, A Poem.

Posted on by learning to live like water

There is no way to say
I love you
Except to say it
Here
Where you might see it.

There is no way to tell you
That the pain is gone
Only the good remains
Except to tell you
Here
Where you might see it.

I want to wish you well
And have no venue
For the words to connect
Except to put them
Here
Where you might see them.

There is no way
To make you understand
That I have no wish to disrupt you.
So I tell you
Here
So you might know.

There is no way to say
I miss you
But I do, every day.
So I’ll tell you
Here
So you might know.

And remember,
On days where no light is cast
Love always and all ways.

Letting Go of You, A Little Bit at a Time (A poem)

Posted on by learning to live like water

IMG_2193 (1)

Sunrise from the town dock, Longboat Key, Florida

I let it go
On the summer wind,
With the sun in my eyes,
I let it go.

I remembered what we did here.
I remembered how it felt then.
I smiled, and I cried, just a little.
I will always miss what was
and I will always miss what wasn’t.

But letting go is something I’m getting good at.
Knowing that letting go
Opens the space
For something new and wonderful
To come in.

Entering the autumn of my life,
I cling to summer.
So, I go where it is warm,
Where I’ll not be reminded
Of the summer dreams that
turned into nightmares.
Where new dreams will be born.

I wish you love and light,
I wish all good things for you.
Even though we don’t talk,
We talk, on levels we don’t understand.
I still feel you, all the time.
I hope you are happier than what I feel.

Let us both feel good about what was,
Just between us, when there was no one else.
Peace to you. Peace to me.
Love always and all ways.

How I Deal With the Pain of Having Had A Narcissist in My Bed (A Sequel)

Posted on by learning to live like water

This is actually a sequel, I guess, to the narcissist post immediately preceding this post.  In the same newsletter from Oprah.com there was this excerpt from Marianne Williamson’s book “From Tears to Triumph, The Spiritual Journey from Suffering to Enlightenment.”

So many people don’t understand how I can forgive my narc, how I can say I still love him, how I can wish good things for him. I think Marianne Williamson explains it here. My quest, my journey, has led me to believe in the power of unconditional love. I believe it is the only thing that can destroy the darkness in people, and the only way to raise the consciousness of all people, is for all of us to try to extend love whenever, wherever we can.

I know he was a classic narc. I know he’s not always happy about that. I know he finds himself in darkness so often, and can’t find a way out. I know he’s been fending for himself since he was tiny, and I know the pain he’s suffered. He’s a classic narc, whose narcissism grew out of some really horrible circumstances.

This article I just copied and will paste below one paragraph from, explains quite well where I am with my emotions for my narcissist. I think the book will probably be next on my booklist to read. I have always said that great beauty can be borne of great pain. I hope this can still be true for my narc at some point in his life, that he’s able to see the soul I’ve always seen and let it shine.

Here are Marianne’s words, with a link to the whole article if you’re interested. Love and light all.

“And that is the ultimate deliverance from suffering—the realization that we can be better people because of it. The spiritual journey from emotional pain to inner peace entails a transformation of our personalities, from being someone weakened by suffering to someone honed by it. Yes, we must look at the darkness within ourselves, and forgive others for the darkness that we see within them, in order to experience the miracle of love that only forgiveness brings. Yet, in so doing, we emerge victorious. And within that light, endless miracles abound. For miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. We grow less imprisoned by our fears as we release them to thoughts of love. No longer in denial about our issues, we atone and learn to forgive ourselves. No longer blaming others, we are able to forgive them. We experience a cosmic re-parenting from which we grow, at last, into the adults we were meant to be. This is the greatest story, the story of all stories, and it is the story of every one of us.”


Read more: http://www.oprah.com/inspiration/the-unexpected-route-to-a-spiritual-miracle#ixzz4GY4zsREc

(Very) Early Morning Musings

Posted on by learning to live like water

I woke at 4:15 this morning. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised because I was asleep at 9:30. I lay in bed for about 45 minutes, just thinking about things. Moving, the foundation cracks, lol, the men I’ve loved.

The moving, the house selling, it will all be over soon. So, I just have to make my way through each day, and do what needs to be done. Taking it one thing at a time, I’m sure I’ll get it all done, easily.

The men, idk. I was thinking about my ex. His name is the same as my son’s so I don’t use it on here, because I don’t want to confuse anyone. But it’s Bruce. I was thinking about the fondness I still feel for S, and how I have none for my ex, who I was with for 40 years. I guess the difference is my ex, B, eroded that love every day for years with his control and abuse of me, and my son. I don’t wish him any ill, I don’t have to, lol. He’s done a damn fine job of fucking up his life with no help from me. I wish him love and light, all good things, but I know with his last breath he will blame me for his problems.

I thought about how, when he was in control, he used to occasionally have these 2 or 3 day brain-washing sessions with me, before my son was born. He would brow beat me, and yell at me, and threaten me for days. I couldn’t leave the house. I was his captive scapegoat for all the ills in his life. And back then we had very few ills. We had enough money, a decent home, a yacht, but still he had to make me feel less than human anytime I began to feel happy and secure. And then he’d say, “I love you, I would think you’d listen to me, knowing it was for your own good.” Geezus. It was for his. To have himself a servant who would do everything, who was dancing around trying to win his favor.

One particular time, during one of those brain-washing sessions, he decided that I did not deserve my 1 1/3 carat heart shaped diamond. He ordered me to give it to him. I refused. He got up from the couch as I sobbed, went in the kitchen and got a pair of pliers out of a drawer where he kept a few tools. He came back, and grabbed my hand and broke the setting, so that the diamond fell out. I am sure, 100% positive, that if I’d fought him he would have broken my hand. He was 6’2”, about 240 lbs, and had arms like most people’s thighs. Very strong, he was a nationally ranked swimmer at one time.

He put the diamond and the broken setting in an envelope and put it in a kind of jewelry box in our bedroom. Folded up tight, so it was about a 1” square. I always knew where it was. I believed that some day he’d realize what a good wife I was, and how I was trying so hard to do everything he asked (while he did nothing at all for me, but I guess I believed I didn’t deserve it) and he’d get it reset one day.

He never did.

When I moved out of the house in 2007, I opened the envelope and took the diamond. I left him the broken setting.

But that just illustrates how dysfunctional he was, and I was, and we were. That we managed to have my son after that is amazing. But thank God, my son is a blessing to me borne of that pain.

S…..well, he betrayed me when I loved him the most. My love for him didn’t die over time. It never had a chance to die a natural death. I grieved and grieved, and still do some days. It’s easier when I never hear from him, I’m much more able to see the dysfunction that surrounds him, and was part of our relationship so much more clearly. I know it would never have lasted, even if there were no B, because I wanted more that he’s capable of giving. It’s been almost 2 months now since I’ve heard from him, and I am fine with it. I have some fond memories, tempered by the reality of his nature. I can love him, who he was to me, I can be grateful for that time in my life. I am so happy to know that after my long miserable marriage, (and long miserable divorce) I can still love someone so passionately, so intensely.

I don’t think he and I can be friends, though. I’d like to be, but I don’t think B will allow it. Even if I’m in FL, 1500 miles away, she would be jealous. He says she’s not, I say, you don’t see it. She’s a master of the passive aggressive stuff. Never wants to talk to him again, until I do. Then she does. Never wants to be with him again, until I am, then she still loves him. Whatever.

I know that I can’t go there again. I can say never say never, but I gotta be real. He is never going to want to make the changes that I’d like to see in him. I think he is much more comfortable with the game playing, the push pull thing, and with misery and unhappiness than happiness, because he sabotages his own life constantly in an effort to prove to himself he’s not worthy. I will always tell him he is. I would, am, always here for him if he wants to talk. But I know he can’t trust himself, so he doesn’t trust me.

I will say, one reason I loved him so, was because he let me be me. All the time. Even though I talked too much, lol. He knew how to quiet me down. Take me to the beach, or somewhere, tell me a story, put on some music that was new to me and tell me about it, or take me to bed. But the freedom I felt with him, after being with a man who tried to control what I said, wore, how I wore my hair, how I walked, yada yada yada, was blissful for me. For that I will always love him. Now that I know what that’s like, I intend to find it again, in a man who is capable of loving, who seeks the light, and is happy and likes himself.

All good lessons with these men. Painful, but good. I know myself, I’ve found myself through the pain that I experienced with them both. I can say to my ex, I love you and I wish all good things for him, he is making himself pay for sins he thinks he must have committed, I am sure. I can say to S, love always and all ways, because that too is true. Because I do. I will. All the betrayal, really, that S orchestrated, was him, sabotaging himself, setting himself up to fail. He hurt me, yes, but for me it’s temporary. I can find my way out. I don’t look into the abyss. I walk away from it, even if I’m on my hands and knees crawling.

At peace this lovely morning. Nice to put things into perspective.

Love and light, everyone.

So Hum

Posted on by learning to live like water

I meditate most mornings, for 15 or 20 minutes. To start my day, to center and ground me. I prefer guided meditations in the morning. Usually I choose a meditation that guides you in, with an intent, but then, lets you go off in silence, with only the music. I find the music helps block the internal chatter that might otherwise distract me. I find a mantra to repeat is also good to help keep my mind silent.

I have a favorite meditation from Youtube.  This meditation uses the mantra “So Hum”, which is traditional for meditation. It means, “I am”. Since “I am” is traditionally God’s name, they say (the wise spiritual teachers of the millennia) never to follow the words “I am” with anything that God could not be. Like, never say, I am stupid. I am ugly. I’m an asshole. Because, God is not, could not be, those things, lol.

And God lives within us, as us. (Lesson from Eat Pray Love, thank you Liz Gilbert.)

So this morning, I listened to this meditation, and as she guided us to say “So Hum” I began to cry. It surprised me, seriously. I have not felt sad this morning. I slept well last night. But…crying I was.

I realized, when I got to the place where I could just observe myself, that I just have a lot of emotion I am afraid to let surface, over this move. Not that I don’t want to do it, I do. I have dreamed of it. It’s just, all the goodbyes I have to say. To my friends, who are my family here. Mostly, though, to my son.

It brings so much pain to know he will be so far away. It has just been the two of us for so very long. We have gone through so much together. We’ve grown, we’ve had our joys, and our growing pains. I remembered when his father would pass out on the floor watching TV, and we’d both go to bed. He in his room, me next to him in the guest room that became my room for the last 5 years of my marriage. We’d talk, he’d make me laugh so hard. He and I had our own separate world then, about which his controlling father knew nothing. I swear those nights, my son sitting on my bed talking and laughing, made it all bearable, as I planned and plotted a way to get us free.

We created a bond which will never be broken, it is a connection that miles cannot stretch. He will always be my best friend, and I his.

This last thought made the tears stop, and I caught my breath. I am. He is. We are.

The meditation starts out with a centering thought. I am perfection, I am healthy, I am strong.

I am, we are, you are.

Love and light……

 

Life is Calling

Posted on by learning to live like water

I was home alone much of this weekend. While dealing with the damn water in the basement, and cleaning the house, and all the other weekend chores that have to be done, I was going deep, and peeling back layers.

Layers of pain, layers of fear, layers of love. I took a ride, on the emotional roller coaster, and missed some people to the point of tears, and feared losing others to the same extent. I sat with my feelings, I allowed myself to feel all of them, and it wasn’t always pleasant. Then I talked to good friends who helped me to get through. One on Saturday from here, who always gets me back to the present moment. One in Montana, who always reminds me of what’s important. My friend here who is going to drive to Florida with me, who brings me right to my present life, and all the joy I have in it.

At the end of the 2 days, I had done some real work, I think. Last night’s “Goodbye” haiku ( https://learningtolivelikewaterblog.com/2016/07/25/haiku-no-125-goodbye-5-parts/ ) kind of spilled out of my heart, and I think it was real. I think it’s time to let that all go. I hope I left it in a good place, a place I can remember fondly. A place of forgiveness and love, because I just don’t want any of the angst of holding onto negative stuff. Our paths crossed for awhile, the lessons were there, almost in an explosion of emotion, and we both have to move on. Always and all ways, I can live with that.

This morning, there is peace on this hillside, in the trees, in the morning sun on my face and skin, the cool but balmy air silently soothing me. All I can think of is Beth Harts song, “Life is Calling” so I’m going to put the link below.

Love and light, all.

Trying to Just Keep Rising

Posted on by learning to live like water

keep rising

I just came home from the gong bath.  Gong meditation.  I took a friend tonight, someone not into much alternative stuff.  She asked, “There’s not water involved?”  LOL.  No…..Better to call it a meditation, that is, really what it is.  But deep, very deep if you want it to be.

When I am there, bathed in the vibration of the gongs, and crystal bowls and the drums, I seem to be able to look at the issues in my life non-judgmentally.  I seem to get a clearer picture of what has happened, is happening.  From a different level.  It has happened so many times.  S once told me I should go every night, because I work so much stuff out when I’m there.   I’m a much nicer person, apparently.  Or at least, so he thought. I suppose it’s true, because who isn’t nicer when they aren’t stressed.  Although he was usually the one stressing me, lol. But I digress.

Tonight was no different. What I think I needed to do tonight was get back to the present moment. To stop fretting over things about which I have no control. There is so much going on in my life right now with retirement, buying a house, selling a house. Leaving here, relocating where I know three people well. Letting go of old attachments to people, places and things.

I reminded myself tonight, that my obligation to myself is to keep rising. There are those who will rise with me. There are those who won’t rise at all. There are those who will rise, catch up to me, and rise past me. We all may bump into each other in this life. But each of us has to keep rising, in our own way, on our own path. I believe that we are here, in this lifetime, to learn lessons, and to evolve our souls. So, the only thing I have to do, is try to keep doing that.

Back when my friend who is a medium suggested that S was my twin flame, she explained about that kind of relationship, how it is push pull, how one is running and is chasing.  How you are usually not in the same place based on the many life experiences.  The important thing she said to me though, was, “and you have just just keep rising.” The rest will never be known to me, if he is or is not my twin.That there is some kind of soul connection is undeniable.  I know when I’m going to hear from him, I still feel him.  I basically ignore it, but the fact is, it doesn’t matter now.  All that matters is I keep rising.

It does not involve hate and anger, blame, guilt, shame. It does not involve jealousy or selfishness. It does not involve any of the negative emotions we as humans find so easy in our interactions with others. We all have to keep rising. We can’t hold the hands of others and pull them with us, everyone has to raise themselves. If we meet somewhere, at some point, then it’s just a blessing.

When the meditation tonight was over, I was thinking about what a loving and supportive environment it is there. Everyone is there for healing. Everyone is there to lovingly support each other. I have friends who I see only at the gongs, who I have seen once or twice a month for years now. And I feel so close to them, as if we know each others souls.

It’s all about love, everything, every emotion that I have there reduces to love. It’s like numerology, reduce to a single digit. It’s like the Rumi saying I put up this morning, we are left with two desires at the end of the day: to love, and to be happy. Evolving our souls, to me, is finding a way to love more, and be happier for it.

So I go to the gongs, twice a month, to seek out unconditional love, and to find a way to be happy. For the most part, it works. I am always always, better for having gone.

Sending love and light to all tonight.

 

Sunday Thoughts

Posted on by learning to live like water

challenges

The weather here has retreated back to winter for a few days.  An Alberta Clipper dumped a few inches of snow on us in a very short time this morning, and now has stopped.  Yesterday it was warm and rainy, typical spring weather.  Like me, the weather can’t quite let go of the past, yet, knows that the best is yet to come. 

Still, I know that the past is not what I want. And the future is so bright, right now.

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. Well…not getting to sleep, staying asleep. I think, left-over emotions from Maggie’s passing. She was the first living being that I have stood by, watching as she left this world little by little. Letting her go, little by little. And grateful, when her time came, that she was no longer in pain. Grateful that she had been in my life for these last 8 ½ years, to comfort me when I most needed it, to love me when the darkness came, when the fear for and missing of my son overwhelmed me. When the illusion of being loved was no longer an option. When the person who loved me the best, the most, the longest, the purest, left this world.

Honestly, she would hear me cry, and hop up on the bed, and lay on the pillow next to me, resting herself on my arm, or hand, purring loudly. She was my constant companion, where I was, she was. When she heard my mediation music go on in the morning, she would jump up on the couch, walk around me, rub her head against my cheek, and lay down beside me purring, as I drifted into the space between the words. She always greeted me by the door when I came home, having been alerted that I was home by the garage door opening. It will take me some time not to be looking for her to race up the stairs ahead of me, and then sit in the bathroom, waiting for me to turn on the water in the sink for her drink.

Watching her slide into the void, sharing that experience with her, felt like an honor. She was here, she slowly drifted away. She seemed afraid in moments, she was calmed by my voice and my hand petting her head gently. My son too, throughout her last night, came up to check on her often. He brought her food and water bowls in the room where I had made her a bed, he took food out of the bowl and put it by her head, trying to will her to eat a little.

Her loss, brought up the other losses, of the last few months. I work my way through all those emotions, again, and wonder when they will just be memories, and not arouse pain, or longing, or wistfulness. When I will just miss those people, without attachment to their loss. When will all the working through will be done.

I have found that missing someone is easier than losing them. Most of the time, I can miss those who are gone from my life, and it is just an undercurrent of my life. Part of who I am, what makes me the unique person I am. But another loss, makes a new crack, and before the light fills it, the emotions all pour out of the crack, into my heart. When they are done, finished, the light will fill the crack, I will have a greater glow than before.

The people we have loved will always live on in our hearts, they will always have a place there. The energy connections remain, a comforting hum in the cacophonous din of the world.

Love and light….