Category Archives: Introspection

Closure is Vastly Overrated

Posted on by learning to live like water

No closure

I’ve been doing the Deepak Chopra / Oprah 21 day meditation on losing the weight.  I’d like to lose another 10 or 15 lbs before I move. Just to be a new me, really the old me, long ago, when I was young..  I’ve lost a couple lbs (first I had to lose the 4 lbs I gained on vacation, lol.)

As it turns out though, being overweight has so much to do with our emotional state, at least I know that’s true for me.  Being hungry for lots of things, often manifests in food. For the longest time, I’ve wanted real closure with S.  All the endings, lol, and there have been many, have always been ugly, have always left me confused, and in pain, or angry. This morning during the mediation I realized that what has happened is my head gets stuck on replaying over and over the words, the scenarios, looking for hints, looking for something to hold onto.  It’s a loop, that I get stuck on, and I’d say many of us do.

Today I woke with no angst, or desire for that old life.  Then listening to Deepak’s quiet voice, I realized that I have to question that loop I get stuck in occasionally.  Is it real?  Is it true?  (And I say that in my best Byron Katie voice.) And, does it matter?  Does it have anything to do with what goes on now?

No, is the answer to all of it.  It has always been chaotic with him, it has always been extreme, it never made any sense and never will.  I have to stop the loop in my head that wants it that way. Just shut it down, and realize that my life and his no longer intersect because they are not supposed to.  The love and the passion that we shared is really the only thing that I choose to remember. Whether or not he perceives it, or chooses to remember it that way, I have to let go of.  And just move on.

There is no closure.  There wasn’t with my ex either.  My ex, is a mess…..I love him, I don’t want him in my life in any way.  There is only chaos, and still…he seeks power and control by trying to make me feel bad that I left, that he’s broke, that I salvaged what I could.  S…I love him too, but also can’t have him in my life.  Again, there is only chaos, of a different kind, but chaos nonetheless.  I saw, in January, how he was quite willing to bounce back and forth between me and B, when it suited him.  I hope he finds happiness, but I don’t expect he will.  There is no closure with people who live in their ego.

So…we have to break the loop that keeps asking for it.  The one that keeps asking “But why?” to all the myriad questions.  Suffice to say it’s over, there are better things ahead, and just move on.  Trust in the universe to right the wrongs, to bring your dreams to you.

In the meditation….he talks about breaking the loop that always brings us to eat as the answer.  That identifies all hunger as actual need for food.  I think those of us who have loved narcissists, or abusers stuck on power and control, just have to give ourselves closure, by breaking that endless loop that races through our minds.

And really move on.

Every day, I am able to do that more.  Yesterday I was stronger than the day before.  Today, I am stronger than yesterday.  The memories I choose to keep, are tempered by truth, and I detach myself from them.

Moving on….it starts slowly, one small weak step, then another.  At first away from the pain and heartache, but at some point, we begin to walk toward something, our dreams, ourselves.  I have begun to walk briskly toward my dreams.  Those memories are shrinking into the distant past.

Was it real?  Wast it true?  It doesn’t matter.  It’s over.

Life is good.  Make yourself a beautiful dream, and start taking one small step toward it.  You don’t need closure to do it. You just have to start walking.

Love and light.

 

Exorcising The Ghosts

Posted on by learning to live like water

I took a walk on the beach alone this morning. I have only been twice now, because I was gone for the weekend. My sis went with me last time. It seemed I had some emotional processing to do, when I got there.

It was low tide. My head kept echoing “Low Tie…..” Which was what S always called it, from his days fishing.

I had a hard time silencing his voice in my head. I took pictures, of waves breaking on the sand bars. Of the waves breaking on the shore, leaving shells, broken sand dollars, pieces of coral and coquina. I took this picture, and also a video, which I can’t seem to get to transfer here..

IMG_2247

I kept wanting to send the video to him, with the sound of the waves breaking, and just say, “Lo Tie….” He would have appreciated it I think. At least for a moment, before he deleted it.

I walked along the dunes, remembering last March, when I was there. We had broken up, because of the prison whore. I had been seeing Addison. S was working all his magic on me, while I was gone, to take me back from Addie. I was walking on the beach, I was talking to him, I was falling so in love with him again, missing him so much. He was sweet, contrite, he wanted me. There was no her, there was nothing but he and I. Addie….loved me, like crazy. But I never stopped loving S.

We planned for S to come over the night after I got back. To talk, to see if we could repair the damage that had been done by the prison whore episode. But in my head, I already knew who it was that I wanted to be with.

Addison was picking me up at the airport at midnight. He had my car, there was no way around it. He expected to spend the night with me. “Please don’t sleep with him Deb.” “I won’t have sex, S. He’ll just sleep there, it’s going to be late.” “Even sleeping together is intimate….”

I knew it was, I knew that it wasn’t fair to Addie to sleep with him when my head and heart were with S.  I really didn’t want to either.  I knew I had to tell him on the ride home from the airport. I was dreading breaking that sweet man’s heart.

God that was a hard  beach walk. I guess there were a few ghosts here anyway, even though he never came here with me.

Anyway, I was overcome with the desire to communicate with him, and of course. I mean how could I remember all that and not want to just say hi. Just let him know that I was thinking kindly of him after all that ugliness last week.

I tried to send him the video, just as I’d imagined.

I say tried, because it couldn’t be delivered. The cell reception here was not good enough.

I let it go. I just acknowledged, it wasn’t supposed to go.

And I thought, “thank you universe, for watching out for me.” Because no good would have come from sending it, from opening the communication back up. None.

I said to myself, well, last year you were here, falling in love with him all over again. This year you are here, letting him go again.

The breeze blew gently, blew my hair off my neck, the sun shone on my face, the sand was soft, the sky was blue, and I turned to walk back to the bank of cubbies that are there to hold your flip-flops when you walk on the sand.

By the time I got there, I was just so grateful it didn’t get sent. I didn’t want it sent. I would have been horrified with myself if it had gone through. All it would have done, even if there was not response, or even a positive one, would have been to reconnect all the connections I have tried so hard to break. I would have undone weeks, months worth of work.

I had thought, while doing it, that I might unblock his phone. I hadn’t decided yet. When I got my flip-flops back, I sat on the bench nearby to dust the sand off my feet. I looked at my phone, and deleted the text to him. I put my flip-flops on and began the walk home, 2 blocks. Grateful, ever so grateful, that the universe stopped me from doing something that would have damaged my psyche again, and set me back so far. That would have in the end caused me more pain that I already have around that man.

I was able to remember his callousness. The way he now tried to negate memories like that one.  His last advice, “why don’t you focus on finding Mr. right?” As if, as if, you can just stop loving someone you love and replace him with another. He of all people should know. It was a stupid thing for him to say. “I’m sorry” might have been better. I know what a shit he is. I know how unreliable, how self-absorbed, how disingenuous he is. I know he uses people, and makes the wrong decisions all the time. I know all his bad traits.

Just, today, I remembered “low tie” and “high tie” and those moments when he wouldn’t be any of that shitty stuff, and how he could make me feel like he loved me. Those times when the light I always saw would break through, and blind me from its pure beauty.

But I made it through, by the grace of God, back to myself, back to my path, away from that pain. Away from all the craziness, the chaos, the mixed signals, the drama. Away from him and the darkness he spread into my life.

I made it.

Living Like Water, Today

Posted on by learning to live like water

Bird on branch

Living like water today, this minute, for me, means being part of the frozen landscape.  It means, watching the birds flit from leafless branch to leafless branch, looking for a haven from the cold arctic wind that blows, and shakes the bare branches clean of even the birds.

It mean, watching the snow blow across the yard, when it’s not snowing, but appears to be blizzarding, unless you look up and see the blue sky.  It means, quietude, and emptiness, and barren scenes of white and brown and gray.  It means solitude, time not stopped but non-existent.  No memories that can color the landscape, nor dreams.  Just now, with myself, in this moment.

Typing, calling an old friend, planning a dinner.  Keeping thoughts here and now, so as not to undo the uneasy peace which has been made within, to let the past go, and not to dream dreams.  To forgive, but not to forget.  To love, but not to lose myself. To find beauty and revel in it, but not try to hold onto it.  To acknowledge pain and feel it, but let it move through me.

To let it all come and go.  To let it flow, or stay frozen, let it blow, or seep into the ground, but not to add or take from what is.  To accept it, to surrender to the forces that have control, which are not within me.  To melt into the tapestry of what is, and be an integral part of something greater, and go within the flow of the one thing to wherever I am supposed to be.

 

A Little Gong Introspection

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

longing

Just got home from the gongs, it was lovely as usual.  I was fairly relaxed going in, and may have dosed off for a bit.  Hard to believe with all that sound going on, but it happens.   Not sure if I was sleeping or just somewhere else.

Texted with the new guy a lot today.  There have been no moments, yet, of wondering   “why did he say that?”  Won’t  know if there’s any connection til Saturday.  I’d like to talk to him on the phone, I may tell him that tomorrow.  Idk.  I hope I’m not too outside the box for him, lol.

I was driving home tonight and kept thinking about the weekends I spent with Scott before Betty showed up again in his life.  Sometimes I just don’t understand why he was so quick to give it up.  Even if he wouldn’t let me go, he gave up that time together.  We’d make love before we slept, and when we woke up, then go out on some excursion, and then usually take a nap before I drove home, usually late in the day, and make love once more.  It was sweet, and easy.  Seems like it might have been worth a second thought?  Well, apparently not.   I hope I can find that again with someone.

Gongs make me introspective, help me put things in perspective in my life.  I wasn’t longing for Scott, I was just missing that closeness, with someone. I know who he is.  Maybe I’m longing for the guy he was, then.  I don’t know.  But that guy disappeared, and hasn’t been around for a long long time.

Well, off to bed. love and light.

 

Change Is In The Morning Breeze

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m running late today.  I had to shut down and reboot my new laptop this morning, the keyboard wouldn’t work.  I miss my old Sony Vaio, lol, never one problem in 5 years.

Thinking about change this morning, starting anew.  Change is the only constant in life.  I feel like maybe the past is in the past now, like maybe it’s settled down and won’t be blindsiding me with hurt or anger or regret anymore.  The picture seems pretty complete.  I can see what happened, I can see why, what caused S to do what he did. I’m able to feel sad for him but unattached.  Not sad for the state he’s in presently, because it is a situation he created and obviously was supposed to happen because it did.  I’m sad for his inability to deal with the emotional demons that caused him to do what he did.  I hope  now that he has some time for introspection, he will take it, and take care of that inner child who was acting out so destructively.  I hope he can find the light that I always saw in him.  It’s still there.  Just because he’s covered it in layers of darkness, doesn’t mean it’s not still burning.

I’ve had a few conversations with a couple of men who seem nice, normal, not self destructive.  I am hopeful.  I am not needy.  I have a life, a good life.  Tonight I have a gong meditation, and it will be the first time in a very long time I’m going without some ridiculous drama I am dealing with.  I wonder where it will go, when I’m not looking for a specific answer to something.  Saturday I am going to a cookie swap with my bff at her sister’s house.  Not that I need cookies, but it will be fun to do something Christmasy.

The weekend is supposed to be warm here, 60°, which is absolutely crazy and unheard of in December here.  We are much more likely to be below freezing and have snow on the ground.  We have had two very severe winters back to back, so this mild weather is a reprieve for sure.  We can only hope it lasts til March.

Change, sometimes chaotic, and sometimes just like an tide on a windless day, just coming and going out on a smooth sea.  Just accept and embrace it.  The universe knows what it’s doing.

 

Retrospecitve

Posted on by learning to live like water

My life generally has rolled along, in a calm, fairly smooth rhythm that I am comfortable with. Working, writing, making jewelry, cooking, reading, taking care of the house, hanging out with friends.  For about a year, there was time with S included in that rhythm, but this summer he took himself out of it, needing to follow a slightly different path. I have missed him.

Lately, the energy has been chaotic.  I had surgery, and before that had constant pain and was basically handicapped, unable to use my right hand.  Work became so incredibly busy, 9 and 10 hour days have become the norm, and I’m still never caught up.  My son started a new job. My old life has just disintegrated and disappeared before my eyes.  Not a bad thing,  mind you.  Just….there were always remnants of it around.  But now our business is closed and for sale, my ex is kicked out of our old house, my beautiful boat is being auctioned off for unpaid storage fees.  Ex disappeared for about a week, which had no effect on me except it was just strange in too many ways.  He surfaced yesterday, he called my son and gave him his new phone number. Based on the number, he is still in town.  To be honest, I’d kind of hoped he had moved farther away, but then…he hates change.  I should have known he’d stay in the town he has lived in or 40 years.

S and I…well anyone who follows my blog knows that that relationship has become tumultuous, difficult, painful…as we both go our separate ways but neither of us has been quite willing to let go, for different reasons.  I’m trying to come to terms with that now, and I think some headway has been made.  I love him, I always will.  But our paths diverge, for now.

I look forward to getting back into my own rhythm.  It won’t be the same.  People, time, and events change us, grow us.  I have grown.  I have had a good look at myself recently, at my reactionary tendencies, and I know where my work lies ahead.  I also know what I need from a relationship more clearly than ever. I have known for some time the direction I want my life to take, and I will forge ahead on that path.

This morning, for the next how ever many days it takes, I am going to just sit back and breathe.  Try to assimilate all the big changes into my life, find the lessons, find some contentment with what is, let go of the things that aren’t and never will be. There’s another gong bath Friday, I am thinking I’ll go.  Acceptance, I guess, is what I will strive for in the present.

I have always considered myself a happy person.  While I don’t always feel happy, I always know that I will be, again.  My faith that things will all be ok…is  strong,  I believe the universe is conspiring in my behalf.  Living in the present, I’ll watch it unfold, and remember to be grateful.

Losing Pain and Gaining Clarity

Posted on by learning to live like water

Image result for clarity

I had a glass of wine again tonight.  Not because I had a headache though.  I was just in the mood. I did work another 10 hour day, well, 9 actually, since I was gone for an hour to physical therapy for my hand.  I’ve been at work from 8:30 til 7 all week, and no closer to catching up, lo.

Difference is, I am not freaked out by it.  I am gonna do what I can do and be content.

I can’t stress how much not having constant pain has changed my attitude.  I am happy, again, like even when I’m working my ass off.  One of the guys at work took one of his grandfather’s old bowling trophies and made me this welcome back gift.

 
Every one laughs when they see it, and I tell them, every time I look at it, I remember that I’m a champion!

But seriously, to be able to sleep through the night, to turn the ignition on in my car with one hand and no pain, and to shift it the same way into drive….  To turn a door knob, drive with 2 hands…  I lived with that pain way too long.  And it was gone the second I came out of the anesthesia.  My muscles are stiff, but loosening up daily.  It’s awesome.

My heart is open, really open, for good things to happen, for good things to come into my life.  I have some adventures waiting, maybe someone to share them with.  Not yet, but the possibilities are endless.  I have no regrets about loving the men, well, there’s only been one man, since I left my marriage.  But I’m free of that pain too, and it’s all good.

Last weekend was the full moon.  Some people get emotional, depressed, by the force the gravity of the moon asserts on our small beings.  It seems that it gave me clarity this month.  Much needed clarity.

Love and light everyone.

The Party’s Over, It’s Back to Work Tomorrow

Posted on by learning to live like water

This was me for 4 days.  NOT!!

I had the bandage removed from my hand this morning.  I still am amazed at how little pain I have had. Much less than the carpal tunnel gave me.  I still have a bandage, that has to stay clean and dry for a couple weeks, has to be wrapped up when I shower.  But I have much more use of my hand, limited only by the amount it hurts when I use it.  I have a little bit of physical therapy in store, to regain full use of my fingers.  But the difference was noticeable immediately.

Funny, I have noticed a flare-up of joint pain in other joints, I’m sure caused by my crazy emotional state last week. So, now I need to focus on my overall health, and on manifesting what I want in my life.  I know what I want, and I intend to focus on gratitude for all I have, for all my experiences, for all the lessons I have been blessed to learn.  And to believe….just to believe, that the universe conspires in my behalf.

These 4 days at home have been so good for me.  This is because I really couldn’t DO anything much.  You know, usually when you are home, you are working working. Cleaning, cooking, doing laundry….etc, etc, etc.    But with my dominant hand in a soft cast, even cooking was a chore, I can’t still use a knife well, I am pretty gimpy with my left hand.  Not being able to get the bandage wet pretty much ruled out heavy cleaning.  Thank God, I figured out how to type, I apparently had a lot to say.  I am so blessed by my family of friends, coming to see me, calling me, checking on me, texting me, putting up funny stuff on FB, taking me to the beach, bringing me freshly picked blueberries.  Re-enforcing my sense of worthiness, of love and belonging.

I go back to work tomorrow.  I will need some help with parts of my job, for a couple of weeks.  I’m feeling kind of a renewed sense of focus.  A clarity, if you will, of where I want to go, how I want to get there, who will be happy to accompany me, and who has chosen a different path.  It’s part of learning to live like water.  Sometimes, the only way back to source is to carve out a new path and let the water (or your spirit) flow.  I wish only love and light to everyone, and a happy life no matter what path anyone chooses.

On that note….love and light.

The Day Didn’t Get Easier. Or Harder. It Just Is.

Posted on by learning to live like water

Just wrote a long blog about A and S, which I decided not to publish.  It was TMI.  Suffice to say, The day did not get easier. I miss S, I’m not in love with A, though I love him.  I found it hard to deal with the missing S today. But I knew I had to deal with it.  The facts are what they are.  A is way too much into me, I need to back off of that.

I wish there was someone who was a balance of the two.  A is too clingy, S is too detached. I am fucking lonely.  And tired. And looking forward to taking a week off and going to NY this weekend.  I need a change of scene.  I need to put the past behind me, and do some thinking on my own, see if I can get clarity.

I could probably talk to S without losing it now, but why?  So I can hear how he wants to be free again?  No thanks.  Once or twice was enough for me.  He could reach me on email, if he had something to say.  Or even leave me a voice mail saying something other than we should talk.  Talk about what?  How different we are, how we are night and day, how nothing will ever grow between us?  I’ve got that message, no need to repeat it.

I’m rambling.  I’m tired.  My arm kept me up for a couple hours in the middle of the night.  then I worked for 9 or 10 hours, trying to get everything done before I go on vacation.  One more day.  I have the pre-op exam tomorrow morning or my carpal tunnel surgery.  Cannot wait to have the surgery, and be able to sleep through the night.

Going to bed. I need to just let go. Peace out everyone.

Trying to Honor My True Self, and Get Back to the Me I Know

Posted on by learning to live like water

Today I was reminded of an old Buddhist saying, “Meditate every day for 10 minutes, unless you think you don’t need to, then do it for an hour.”

I meditate every morning for 15 minutes.  This morning I found myself anxious for it to be over, towards the end.  Then  i remembered that saying and realized that I was in my ego mind, thinking I had other important thins to do.  I went back to the meditation, and finished it peacefully.

This morning I chose “Honoring Your True Self” from the choices on my Deepak Chopra meditation app on my phone.  I chose that because I have been beating myself up a lot lately, and needed the reminder that I need to forgive myself for the situation I placed myself in, that I did it from a level of consciousness that I was at at the time, I did it out of love.  You know that old “When we know better we do better.”

I’m doing better.  Not so angry with him or myself this morning, nor hurt, I see other things in my life gaining importance and that dysfunction moving into the past.  It’s not quite there yet.  I loved that man so much, I have been trying to come to a place where the love mutates into the unconditional love I have for everyone.  Not the painful, I miss you I need you thing. I don’t feel that most of the time, because when I do, I am able now to look at it and see what was real, and know that it was never going to give me what I crave.  I hoped it would, but I know now it would not, and that there is someone out there who wants the same thing I want.  I will find him.  I don’t want to grow old without a loving companion, and because I know the universe hears my request, I will find him.

I suppose a lot of my serenity this morning comes from my meditation.  I hope it lasts through the day.  I feel like I’ve been running on empty for days, and I’m finally slowing down enough to renew my spirit and my soul.  Probably has something to do with taking 2 Ambien last night too, lol.  I overused my arm with carpal tunnel yesterday and it was killing me all night, so I took 2 Ambien because 1 Ambien was not letting me sleep through the pain.  I am groggy, but I slept at least.  I’ll be more careful with it today.

Beautiful day today.  Going to try to stay in the moment, Gonna try hard to honor myself.  Peace out.