Sleep and Trust

sleep and trust

For years I was such a bad sleeper. I guess that’s normal, living with a sociopath whose purpose in life was to create chaos in yours, and your sons. Never knowing what you might wake up to. Wondering if the earth would tilt on its axis by morning. I took over the counter sleep aids for years on end. Never went to bed without some sort of help, and often, they didn’t help. I’ve taken 4 Tylenol PM and not gone to sleep.

I often wonder if I did any damage to my body all those years. I figure not sleeping probably would have done more.

Since I moved out of that house, it’s been rare that I take anything. It took some time to wean myself off of the fear of not sleeping. I wasn’t physically addicted to the sleep aids, but I had a lot of fear of not sleeping at all, and having to go to work and be functional the next day. Now, I know if I don’t sleep one night, I will sleep the next. So I don’t generally take them.

Last summer though, when the carpal tunnel was really bad, I got prescription Ambien which helped me to sleep through some of the pain. That particular ailment gives you the most pain when you are sleeping. I’d have to get up multiple times during the night to run my hand under warm water, to relieve the throbbing. The Ambien got it down to just once usually.

As soon as I was through the surgery and the carpal tunnel was no longer an issue, I found out about Betty Boop. Which sent me into another tailspin, in which heartbreak combines with trust issues, mostly, not trusting myself. After all, there were myriad flags flying, and I chose to believe the obvious lies I was being told, and not to see the truth that had been slapping me in the face all summer trying to wake me up.

If you follow my blog, you know that relationship did not end there. You know that he tried to keep me in the periphery of his life, that he could not let me go, even though he’d chosen her. He continued to break my heart on a regular basis until really, about 6 weeks ago, when he asked to come see me after leaving me about a dozen voice mails and I finally talked to him and said, no. No, we aren’t going there again.

I reclaimed myself.

I have not talked to him since. I had some short communications with Betty Boop, but then blocked her so I won’t even see another email from her. She made up a lie, for her own benefit, telling him I’d done something I had not done. It wasn’t a big thing, but it just doesn’t sit well with me. She and he are welcome to play all the games they want, and feed each other the lies they need to hear, but leave me out of it. I’m not angry, I just can’t get drawn into that childish adolescent stuff again.

I realized last night that when I called him and left a voice mail just telling him that it was a lie, I’d unblocked him, and had not reblocked him. I reblocked him again last night. Again, not because I’m angry. Not because I have any bad feelings at all for him. But because I am moving on, I don’t want to be part of that little drama any longer. He loves the triangulation. He’ll have to find another 3rd leg to make her jealous with.

The point is….after I did it, I slept a solid 7 hours. I’ve done that a lot lately. Even with all the agita over the hot water heater, and trying to find a mover, and trying to train 2 people at work, I’ve been able to sleep. Because none of it is emotional. None of it makes me question who I am. I’m beginning to trust myself again.

Today I woke refreshed from a good night’s sleep. There is a very gentle rain falling outside, so I can’t sit out there, but I opened the slider to my deck to let the fresh air in, and listen to the peace of it. The stillness.

I am beginning to absorb, assimilate, that my dream of moving to Florida and retiring is manifesting. I guess there is always a ying yang with it, and the yang to that ying is that my son won’t be with me any longer. I know it’s time for him to fly on his own, I know he will love Colorado. I know it’s an adventure for him. I know I’ll still talk to him every day, and that our bond can never be broken.

But God, I will miss his chaotic energy in my life, his youthful exuberance, the plethora of friends and young people constantly running through my house.

I’ll get through it. I’m trying to just look forward to driving cross country with him. That will be a wonderful way to say goodbye to our old life.

I’ll keep the Ambien by my bed, for those few nights when it’s hard.

The rest of the time, I’ll just sleep. I’ll have my life back, completely. There will be no triggers down there to remind me of what I thought I had, and didn’t, nothing to remind me of all the pain I endured. I will just enjoy the fruits of my work to heal, and continue that process in my “Avalon”. My place of healing and new beginnings.

Love and light, all.

Getting From There to Here

A blog I follow, Edge of Humanity Magazine, put up a post linking to a video of Grace Slick and the Jefferson Airplane singing “Need Somebody to Love” at Woodstock. (https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/23191541/posts/1034769613 The quality of the recording is not so good, but it’s Woodstock, and the performance is iconic.

It reminded me of the time back in maybe 1974 or 1975, my ex was driving to Boston in his new Jaguar XKE 12 cylinder convertible. British racing green. He had a CB radio. He pulled up alongside a tractor-trailer. The graphics on the side of it were “Jefferson Airplane”. It was their stuff, being hauled to Boston for a concert. He got on his radio, and managed to hail the driver of the truck. They talked for awhile, and he finally asked if anyone in the band was in the cab with the driver.

“Yeah,” the driver said, “Paul Kantner is here.” Then Kanter got on the radio and talked to my ex for awhile. When he found out my ex was driving the Jag, he asked him if he could pull into a service area, and Paul could ride the rest of the way to Boston with him. Then he invited ex to the concert, backstage, to meet the rest of the band, etc., etc.

My ex had a business appointment in Boston that day. To do what Kantner asked, he would have had to blow it off. So, he declined the invitation.

That was when he was 25 years old, lol. And trying to build a future. But what an opportunity he missed! I was frankly surprised when he got home later that day and told me about it, and that he’d said no. I thought he was so dedicated, to us, to our future, I was impressed. We’d been together by then about 5 years. We weren’t married, but we had a life together. Still.. I was surprised. He could have made up an excuse to the appointment, and had a night that he never would have forgotten. It might have changed his life forever, who knows?

Years later, when I thought of it every once in awhile, I thought and still think about 25 years later when he made excuse after excuse about why he couldn’t get into work on any given day, how he had so much to do. It was our own business by then, and I was there, running it, handling it, enabling him, to sit home and do nothing, except become a seriously abusive alcoholic. God forbid I should ever question him. God forbid I should ever object. Doing that could end up with no dishes left unbroken in the cabinet and food all over the floor. To question him was an unforgivable sin.

Well, I did, finally, when I left him. When I got a job outside the business so that we could eat, because his disinterest in running his own business over the years caused the business to go from gross sales of about $2 million, down to about 10% of that. But getting that job enabled me to execute a plan to leave him, to get away from his abusive ass, and get my son away, and salvage the rest of my life.

Another instance of misplaced trust. Because he did big things, like not miss an appointment in exchange for a chance to meet the Jefferson Airplane, I trusted him to be working toward a nice life for us. I guess he did for years. Just like I trusted Scott because he told me about the prison whore, showed remorse, tried to repair the damage. I thought, if he’ll be honest about something like that, he’d never lie about smaller little things.

But it’s the little, insignificant things that count. Being there, listening to you, wanting to know how you are, if you’re ok, respect, taking an interest, being proud to be seen with you,….I could go on, and on.

My ex was all those things in the beginning. As he began to withdraw into alcoholism and became more and more abusive, sociopathic…he began to isolate himself and his family. Scott…always had isolated us, I kept waiting for him to open up. I kept waiting for him to make me part of his whole life, not just one facet of it.

I could beat myself up over that. It seems so stupid in hindsight. It was such a red flag flying. But when we were together, it was so often magical, it was fun, it was loving (even though he denied that later). I honestly thought he was just afraid, I believed him, that he was afraid of getting hurt again.

My ex….is just such a sad story. He’s just destroyed his life. But he abused us so badly, when I left him I was completely out of love with him. It took me years to work through the anger at what he tried to do to me. I guess I didn’t completely work through it, because I fell in love with a man a lot like him, a pathological liar who could deceive much more expertly than my ex could. My ex actually tried for years not to be who he became. Scott worked at it his whole life, and it shows.

I learned about trust. With both of them. It will be a long time before I trust a man again. I am grateful to Brene Brown for dissecting trust, and showing us how almost every moment in a relationship is either an opportunity to connect or an opportunity to betray. Every small little moment. The few large moments that these two men didn’t betray should not have outweighed all the small, every day, seemingly insignificant moments where they did. Over and over.

I saw my ex do it to everyone, lie and betray their trust. I blew it off for a long time. When he began to do it to my son is when my eyes began to open. It was the unconditional love I had for my son that opened my eyes to the truth. It was a gradual understanding that everything he said was a lie.

Scott, I didn’t see until it all hit me in the face, and knocked me down and broke me into thousands of teeny pieces. His well crafted deceptive screen blew apart in explosions, and ripped me apart. I had no idea, and then….I had to deal with and accept that everything for the last 6 months or so of our relationship was a lie. A manipulation. A deception. I still work at comprehending the depths to which he pulled me. Or tried to. I guess he did pull me there for awhile. I can only thank God that I found a way to get back up, from being flat on my face in the dirt, bleeding and bruised, to my knees, to a crouch, to finally a fully standing position again.

I don’t talk to either one of them now. They both remind me of times in my life I’d rather forget. I’d rather leave them in the past. I can’t help either one. I love them both, I love the light I always saw. I love their potential. But their reality, I can’t be anywhere near. It’s one of the things I will be gladdest about when I move to Florida. To be 1500 miles away from the scene of their crimes.

Sunday morning musings. How I got where I am. What karmic lessons I have learned. I know that these two men were my best teachers. These lessons are not textbook type lessons, they are part of my being now. Part of who I am. I have evolved because of them. For that reason, I am able to be grateful for the experience of them in my life. Now, I’ll take those lessons with me, and perhaps in the last quarter of my life, find the love that can last.

Love and light, everyone.

Thanks to Edge of Humanity Magazine for the link below.

Balancing Love and Trust

trust and love

In a comment to my last post, “To Lay Me Down” my good friend Survived Narc brought up a good point about holding back just a little, until you can trust. Which is really another whole blog, so here goes.

How do we give our all once we’re in love, but still, make sure we can trust before we allow ourselves to fall? That’s the question, for me, the big question.

Brene Brown, in her book Rising Strong, and her talk “The Anatomy of Trust” (http://www.supersoul.tv/supersoul-sessions/the-anatomy-of-trust) breaks down in plain, clear, logical language how trust is created. I’ve learned so much from her, and I think that I now understand how I was so betrayed by Scott. I trusted him for all the wrong reasons, and thus, allowed myself to love him unbelievably intensely and dangerously.

I don’t know how to balance the two. Trust and love. Him….I felt like I knew him, felt like I loved him before we even met. I assumed he was trustworthy, I assumed it because of all the wrong reasons. Because he told me “secrets” which he swore he’d never told anyone else, but turns out he had. He lied, so much that it boggles my mind, but I believed him. Mostly, because so many of the lies were unnecessary. He didn’t need to tell me that his ex girlfriend was married. It would have made no difference to me why they broke up, or how, or what she did. He just lied. Of course, if he told me that he was waiting for her to come to her senses, and come back to him, it might have stopped me. But after months, neither he nor I thought she was coming back. I foolishly thought he and I had something too, because of the lies he told me. Things like “I said I didn’t want to be in love with you, Deb, but I didn’t say I wasn’t.” “You scare me, because I have a lot of feelings for you, and I don’t want to be in love….” “in my own way, I love you too.”

Well, needless to say, I learned my lesson.

I think that while love and trust are two separate things, they go hand in hand if you want to have a strong healthy relationship. So while I stand by my belief that not holding back in a relationship, if I love someone, maybe I would temper that statement by saying, I would let that love grow much more slowly, in tandem with my trust for the person. Just, not jump in with both feet until, as Brene says, they have filled my marble jar. Filled it without periodically dumping all the marbles out of it.

Loving without trust is walking the edge. My heart is not strong enough for that any more. I want solid ground, which means, I will give my all, but give it appropriately for where the relationship is at the moment. I won’t jump in believing it’s more than it is. But I won’t hold back either. I’ll just stay in the moment, and let both love and trust grow simultaneously.

I guess my thoughts that I am willing to be vulnerable is still valid, because I am. I am willing to say “I love you” first. But if it’s never said back to me, ever, or always qualified, or quantified, then the relationship will stall, not for lack of love but for lack of trust.

I used to say love was a choice, to fall in love was a choice. I never felt like loving Scott was a choice. It just was, it was from the first time we met. I don’t know what that was, why it was. I still believe we have past history, in another life. He used to believe that too, though I’m sure he denies it now. But he used to read me, just like I read him. Even with the limited contact of the last 6 months, I have known every time I have heard from him, that I would hear from him before I did. Even if it’s just to have him call and hang up, leaving no message. Or to leave me a voice mail. But I do know that if I ever feel that love at first sight thing again, a big “Slow Zone” sign will pop up in my head. A big question mark, following the question, “Can you trust him??? I know now that I can love unconditionally, but not let that person in my life unless and until I can trust them.

It’s a balance….to love, to be vulnerable, to trust, to build trust. It’s all a balancing act. Complicated and simple. A conundrum, of the human condition, lol.

The Best is Yet to Come

The sun poured into my bedroom window like spun gold this morning. It was filtered only by the sheer white curtain that hangs like a flouncy skirt onto the floor. It was 6:15. I woke earlier, at 5:30 and thought, no, I don’t want to get up this early, and the next time I looked it was 6:15.

When the sun is like that, pouring through the windows on the south side of the house, I am excited to get up, and watch the day unfold. I am only sorry it isn’t warm enough to sit outside, and listen to the birds, and feel the gentle spring breeze on my cheek.

I did a meditation this morning by Tara Brach on Open Awareness. She does wonderful guided meditations. https://www.tarabrach.com/guided-meditations/

At the beginning, as she guides you into physical body relaxation, she asks you “What is it your heart really wants?”

My answer was swift, required no thought. “To love and be loved.” That’s all.

The meditation sought to bring us to a place of only awareness, not thought. Using words from the Buddhist monk Tilopa from 1000 or so years ago:

Let go of what has passed.
Let go of what may come.
Let go of what is happening now.
Don’t try to figure anything out.
Don’t try to make anything happen.
Relax, right now, and rest.

It was a nice way to begin the day. Peaceful, no angst today. Or at least, not right now. (she smiles, lol)

My son and I are going out for BBQ today. It’s a delayed birthday dinner. Then we’re stopping at Sam’s club, for a few things. It is a lovely spring day.

I have not buried the St. Joseph statue that my friends Peter and Linda gave me in my front yard yet. I think I’ll do it this morning. I’ve not had a nibble all weekend on the house. Even though I’m not really worried about it, I still think I will give it whatever added boost the statue can give it.

And believe. Just believe it will happen. Just trust that the universe will bring the right buyers to my house at the right time.

Feeling peaceful and calm this morning. Trusting my intuition to guide the path of my life to follow my heart’s desire, to find my heart’s desire. I am beginning to trust myself again. It’s a good feeling. I’m not sure if that isn’t the greatest trauma of being betrayed on such a grand scale, the loss of our ability to trust ourselves. A good lesson was learned about love and trust.

I still believe love never dies. I think I’ll always love the people I loved. It’s just that I see them through unfiltered glasses now, in all their imperfection. What’s done is done, what’s over is over. In the words of Van Morrison in Someone Like You:

But just lately I have realized
The best is yet to come.

I hope that’s true until my last breath.

Dancing Through the Insanity

Rumi

I am starting to find out exactly what’s involved with putting a house on the market. It’s not like there’s a choice, if I want top dollar for the house I have to do it. Today I spent a little time getting stuff together for Easter…some of the traditional Polish treats. My son is half-Polish, his father was 3rd generation 100% Polish, so I like to keep up some of the holiday traditions for him.

Started clearing out the stuff that needs to be out of sight when the house goes on the market, especially for the pictures. Up and down the stairs. Biggest problem is all my jewelry making stuff. Trying to put it in some semblance of order, out of the way. It’s not a neat hobby, lol.

I sat down on the couch to rest around 2. I was so exhausted, and I slept a good 7 hours last night. Why so tired? It occurred to me as I sat, on the computer, with my music from my phone playing on the stereo, that I hadn’t eaten but a protein bar at 7 AM and some coffee. So I got a yogurt, and a tall glass of water, and ate it while I perused WP and FB. Felt much better after about 10 minutes, I think my sugar had crashed.

I decided to brave the basement storage area. It’s attached to my son’s space, and his mess is like water, seeking it’s own level, spreading across the floor. I worked down there for awhile, just cleaning up, straightening up, throwing stuff away, emptying junk out of cabinets…. Maybe a couple hours. Changed the furnace filter while I was at it.

About 4:30 or so I sat down again in the TV room on the couch, opened the computer and next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes and it was about an hour later. I had fallen so dead asleep, I was disoriented waking up. And I was hungry! I made a little dinner, and then got some estimates on moving stuff to Florida. That will require some thought. A mover would be nice, but would cost about $800 more than a POD. Which is expensive enough, but how to get the furniture from upstairs down into the POD? I have no idea….. My move into this house was about 2 miles, from a small condo, and cost me $300. Will have to work on that issue.

Tomorrow, no time to rest. I have to get to the grocery store, hopefully before the rest of the town. Make a carrot cake, traditional for Easter. Why? Idk…Bunnies like carrots? No idea, but it wouldn’t seem like Easter without it. I usually give most of it away, take it to work, whatever. Then start on the garage. I have a ton of stuff that needs to go to the dump, so I looked up how that works on line. I have to get a permit from the town for $10 and can only take stuff there on Saturday. It looks like at least 2 or 3 trips. UGH.

I talked to my BFF’s husband today, who is like a brother to me, and asked him if he would look at my fireplace and just tell me what I need to replace, because for the life of me I can’t figure it out. He said he’d come over this week sometime. He is truly one of the good guys.

If I weren’t moving to a house a mile from the beach, I’d say I was gonna need a vacation when this is all done. But I will be on a permanent one, lol. I guess it’s just getting the house ready now that seems the big job. Once it’s done and on the market, I only need to keep it that way, not get it that way.

This must be the most boring blog ever, but I’m trying to document what has been done, what has to be done, and this helps me to organize my thoughts. I think I’m going to need at least 2 more weekends before pictures, but no longer. I need the house on the market by the middle of April.

The realtor texted me today that the seller has decided to get the gas hooked up in her name, so we can test the stove (and I’m so excited to have a gas stove, I’ve always had electric) and hot water heater. It was really a small thing, but I’m glad about that. The stove is brand new but not the hot water heater, so will be glad to have it checked out. We had the mold test done today, will get the results back Tuesday or Wednesday and then go in for the final negotiating. So, I have from now til then to kind of relax and let it be.

Tonight, all the emotional kind of angst I’ve had for days seems to have subsided, really disappeared for the time being. I know it’s a huge part of why I’m so tired. When the medium told me I needed to nurture myself, she said, that’s why you’re so tired all the time. I didn’t think I was tired all the time then, but it was like a prophesy! Because man, am I tired now that I’ve let it go. It’s not completely gone I’m sure, but I’m in a way better place. Probably because I wrote so much about it, and then because I spent the day working toward my new dream.

It’s quite a journey, from unconditional love and forgiveness, to betrayal yet again, to understanding, to anger over people trying to involve themselves in something that was none of their business, and then trying to let it all go again. Egos are so destructive. I think I’m pretty much back to the place of unconditional love from an unattached place. Back to the knowing I will always love the man, and also that I can never let him into my life again. I would say, we could be friends only, but really, even that….would be hard. We’ve never been in the same place and been able to keep our hands off one another. So how could we be friends only? Just let it go. I’ll soon be 1500 miles away, and creating a new life. He’ll have his old life, maybe. IDK. Maybe not, maybe she will realize she can never trust him, even if she loves him. Same as I did. It doesn’t matter to me any more. Moving forward. Rising strong.

Going to bed, lol. Love and light.

Reminiscing

memories

I’ve been talking to a friend, who is on a path exactly like the one I was on with Scott in January.  Together not as long, but long enough to be crazy in love, and then having it ended cruelly, by him.  Then after months of no contact, seeing him again, and having him start up as if it never stopped, and then, once again walking away with no notice.

I’m just so glad my experience can help her.  She knows that I made it through, that it triggered in me at the time, all the same emotions triggered in her.  My story went on for a few weeks.  Those weeks gave me clarity on who S was when he chose to deny me because our relationship hurt B.  And because I had gone into it with no expectation, no desire for a long term relationship, it was easy to let go, and be done.  If he hadn’t then denied me to B, and if B hadn’t made it clear to me that he was lying to her about me, yet again, I wouldn’t have even gotten involved again.  Add to that her arrogance in thinking that she knew what I was wanting, or that she knew what he felt.  Assuming that our relationship deteriorated into something ugly.  Our relationship was fine, it’s just that there was a third person involved and I didn’t know it, HER. That’s why it deteriorated, because he was a liar and a cheat, to both she and I. Does she think he told her the truth?  Or that he does now?  That’s a laugh, really.  He can’t discern the truth from the crap he makes up, he never has been able to.  He fails the trust test, every single time.  Maybe it’s a game they play together, who knows?  Who cares?  It’s not one I want to play though, that’s for sure.

Anyway, talking to my friend, trying to help her clear her head, kind of made me remember how it felt.  I am so grateful not to have any of those emotions now.  I am so glad to be past that, to leave that relationship behind me.  It entices me not at all any more.

I have been thinking I don’t even know if I ever want another relationship.  Men have been the bane of my existence.  One was a control freak extraordinaire, unbelievably abusive.  The other was deceptive, a liar and a cheat extraordinaire.  The ex, the first one, inspired more anger and frustration, than I can even express.  The second, more pain than I can express.

Not sure I want to risk round 3.  But maybe there’s someone special out there, someone who just wants to love, like I do.  Who just wants to enjoy life, and enjoy me, and let me enjoy him.  I will be careful, before I give anyone that much trust, that’s for sure.  These narcissists, and sociopaths are so good at the game, at fooling us who have no ill intent, who don’t need it for an ego boost, but just want the pleasure of someone’s company and attention.  Who just want a relationship that evolves us into a better person, and adds to our life, instead of filling it with darkness.

I guess that’s why Florida looks so good to me. It is full of light, and happy people, really.  I didn’t run into anyone who didn’t have a smile, and a positive attitude. Maybe it’s the negative ions from the ocean, lol.

I’m going to the light, that’s for sure.  Away from the darkness that drives people down, and consumes them with false promises and false projections of who they are.  It’s easy to even fool yourself in the darkness.  Give me light any day.

Love and light, everyone.

 

Gratitude and Release

thankful

I didn’t think I’d sleep last night, but I slept well.  I went to bed and lay under the covers with the kind of chill I get at the gong baths that starts from the inside, my heart and solar plexus chakras, releasing.  I did my gratitude list, I was grateful for my son, my warm bed, my home, my two sisters, my parents, my life.   And then I fell fast asleep.

It did me a lot of good, to speak my mind, to say to him, and to her, what the truth was from my perspective, and demand that I not be made into something I was not.  That my relationship with S not be made into something prurient, and shallow, because it so was not.  Anyone who reads my blogs consistently can see that.

When I was being grateful for all those things, I also was grateful that I am strong enough to stand in my story.  That I could articulate what was true, what was undeniable.  That I didn’t have to sit in the shadows and swallow a lie.  I am so grateful that my life has taught me to stand up for something.  To stand up for myself.  The fact that someone I loved cannot stand up for himself, or me, is his problem.  He will live with that karma.  If she stays with him, she will also have to deal with it.

He has so much fear.  For some reason, he feels that if he admits to caring for me, not even loving me, that it will take something from her.  How silly.  Caring for one person doesn’t negate the love you have for someone else.  She can’t be that jealous, that he couldn’t care for someone else when she wasn’t in his life.

My conscience is clear this morning.  I am ready more than ever to go on my vacation, free of emotional encumbrances that bind me to the past.  I am more ready than ever to make this move for the same reason.

It’s all been hard, so hard.  Some of the hardest shit of my lifetime.  And trust me I’ve been through a lot of shit. It’s not as hard as the problems I had when my ex was trying to keep my son from me, but it’s running a close second.  I trusted my gut now, as I did then, and as I freed him from abuse, I have freed myself from betrayal.

I always have to remember, that everything that happens to us brings us to where we are.  I like where I am, I like who I am.  Therefore, I am grateful for all of it, and all the lessons I was taught.   I also try to remember that many wise people say our purpose in this life is to learn lessons and evolve our souls.  I have felt the power of speaking up for myself, not because of it’s affect on anyone else.  If there is, or isn’t, an affect on anyone else, I likely won’t ever know.  But I feel the power within me, that I loved myself enough not to swallow another lie.  And that’s a wonderful thing to know, that I can do that.