Packing up my world,
bubble-wrapping memories.
A life in boxes.
Will they look the same
When they sit in tropic sun?
Will they make me smile?
I will only take
Things I love that bring me joy.
Downsizing to bliss.
By Deborah E. Dayen
Picture from Google Images
I walked with my cousin this morning, a short walk, just a couple of miles. The rain stopped, it was cloudy, and though it was very humid, it was cooler, not quite 80. It was a pleasant change. It’s was that way all day, til a short time ago.
We talk, deep and honest, always. I talked to her about moving, and when I talked about leaving my son in Denver, I started crying. Geezus.
The walk was nice, but I can’t even talk about that without losing it. I don’t know how I’m going to actually do it.
Then I went to the grocery store this afternoon. I ran into one of my best friends there. We have known each other 22 years, since our kids were 2 and in Story Hour at the library together. Her daughter and my son were born on the same day. My son is older, lol, by 3 hours. A fact he never let her daughter forget. She was part of our small book club.
She had just come home from a big family vacation to Ireland and England, with some side trips, one to Paris for a few days, I think. I had called her to see if she wanted to go for a walk about 3 or 4 weeks ago and she said, “Um…I’m in Ireland.” LOL. I said, “Oh, I guess you don’t want to go then…..” And laughed. We talked a little, texted a little.
So it was good to see her, and just catch up briefly. I told her I sold the house while she was gone, and she looked happy and sad in the same moment. We talked about it briefly, because she had an engagement she had to get to, but I choked up again, talking about taking son to CO. I am a basket case. I so wish he had a father. Or I should say, a father who wasn’t a sociopath. Anyway, we are going to try to get the book club together to say goodbye the week after next.
I truly can’t believe I’ll be out of here in 6 weeks. I’ve feel like I’ve been talking about it forever. It’s been so often, my final escape from so much drama in my life, from men who can’t love, or won’t, who have caused me so much pain. Men who have taken all I would give, and given me back nothing except pain, and heartache, and lies.
Now I look at it as just an awesome thing I get to do. I’m so over all of that. I think about it, and I think, the drama goes on, I’m sure. Just without me. Because, really….how could there ever be any trust there? Yeah, she lied, a small tiny lie to make him stop lying to her, to make him believe he’d been caught red-handed. I seriously only objected to it because she involved me, and it just wasn’t true. But really, he’s the one who cannot tell the truth. How could she ever ever trust her heart to him again? So much like my ex. Just cannot talk without trying to manipulate someone.
I feel like, she’s just in her comfort zone with him, and willing to put up with his bullshit. She was never going to talk to him again, twice now, til I did. So she did. What kind of foundation for a relationship is that? If I’d told him to come here that night 6 weeks ago when he asked me so many times….what would she have done then? Wanted him back? I was leaving anyway….who knows? Such a game they play.
Whatever. It’s none of my business. Sometimes I just go off on a tangent, it was part of my life way too long. I still feel connected to him on some level, it’s weird. But it doesn’t stop me from living this life. If we are connected through past lives, which I feels sure we are, we will bump into each other again. But this life time….I don’t think so.
The whole point, now, is….I get to retire. I don’t have to work, unless I want to. I intend to find a part-time job, grocery money. I get to live by the water, which has always been my other home. I get to do the things I love to do, that I have a passion for, and not spend the bulk of my time at a stressful job. I will be so free. As hard as it will be to say goodbye to my son, the fact that he’s not going to be living with me, makes me all the more free.
I didn’t do any packing today. Just normal house chores. Laundry, shopping, making some food so we’ll have food to eat during the week. Now I’m outside in the sacred space, lol. With a dark rum and diet coke and half a lime squeezed into it. Feeling pretty content. Sun is out, and it’s breezy. This mornings humidity is blowing away.
As are the last years tears, and pain, and drama. Blowing away, leaving cool, clean energy in it’s place. Life is so good.
Love and light, everyone.
For years I was such a bad sleeper. I guess that’s normal, living with a sociopath whose purpose in life was to create chaos in yours, and your sons. Never knowing what you might wake up to. Wondering if the earth would tilt on its axis by morning. I took over the counter sleep aids for years on end. Never went to bed without some sort of help, and often, they didn’t help. I’ve taken 4 Tylenol PM and not gone to sleep.
I often wonder if I did any damage to my body all those years. I figure not sleeping probably would have done more.
Since I moved out of that house, it’s been rare that I take anything. It took some time to wean myself off of the fear of not sleeping. I wasn’t physically addicted to the sleep aids, but I had a lot of fear of not sleeping at all, and having to go to work and be functional the next day. Now, I know if I don’t sleep one night, I will sleep the next. So I don’t generally take them.
Last summer though, when the carpal tunnel was really bad, I got prescription Ambien which helped me to sleep through some of the pain. That particular ailment gives you the most pain when you are sleeping. I’d have to get up multiple times during the night to run my hand under warm water, to relieve the throbbing. The Ambien got it down to just once usually.
As soon as I was through the surgery and the carpal tunnel was no longer an issue, I found out about Betty Boop. Which sent me into another tailspin, in which heartbreak combines with trust issues, mostly, not trusting myself. After all, there were myriad flags flying, and I chose to believe the obvious lies I was being told, and not to see the truth that had been slapping me in the face all summer trying to wake me up.
If you follow my blog, you know that relationship did not end there. You know that he tried to keep me in the periphery of his life, that he could not let me go, even though he’d chosen her. He continued to break my heart on a regular basis until really, about 6 weeks ago, when he asked to come see me after leaving me about a dozen voice mails and I finally talked to him and said, no. No, we aren’t going there again.
I reclaimed myself.
I have not talked to him since. I had some short communications with Betty Boop, but then blocked her so I won’t even see another email from her. She made up a lie, for her own benefit, telling him I’d done something I had not done. It wasn’t a big thing, but it just doesn’t sit well with me. She and he are welcome to play all the games they want, and feed each other the lies they need to hear, but leave me out of it. I’m not angry, I just can’t get drawn into that childish adolescent stuff again.
I realized last night that when I called him and left a voice mail just telling him that it was a lie, I’d unblocked him, and had not reblocked him. I reblocked him again last night. Again, not because I’m angry. Not because I have any bad feelings at all for him. But because I am moving on, I don’t want to be part of that little drama any longer. He loves the triangulation. He’ll have to find another 3rd leg to make her jealous with.
The point is….after I did it, I slept a solid 7 hours. I’ve done that a lot lately. Even with all the agita over the hot water heater, and trying to find a mover, and trying to train 2 people at work, I’ve been able to sleep. Because none of it is emotional. None of it makes me question who I am. I’m beginning to trust myself again.
Today I woke refreshed from a good night’s sleep. There is a very gentle rain falling outside, so I can’t sit out there, but I opened the slider to my deck to let the fresh air in, and listen to the peace of it. The stillness.
I am beginning to absorb, assimilate, that my dream of moving to Florida and retiring is manifesting. I guess there is always a ying yang with it, and the yang to that ying is that my son won’t be with me any longer. I know it’s time for him to fly on his own, I know he will love Colorado. I know it’s an adventure for him. I know I’ll still talk to him every day, and that our bond can never be broken.
But God, I will miss his chaotic energy in my life, his youthful exuberance, the plethora of friends and young people constantly running through my house.
I’ll get through it. I’m trying to just look forward to driving cross country with him. That will be a wonderful way to say goodbye to our old life.
I’ll keep the Ambien by my bed, for those few nights when it’s hard.
The rest of the time, I’ll just sleep. I’ll have my life back, completely. There will be no triggers down there to remind me of what I thought I had, and didn’t, nothing to remind me of all the pain I endured. I will just enjoy the fruits of my work to heal, and continue that process in my “Avalon”. My place of healing and new beginnings.
Love and light, all.
I talked to my friend whose daughter was so banged up in the car accident last week. She had a really hard run. She’s moving too, only about 15 miles away, but moving. And packing up. And her daughter was so injured. I can’t imagine what she was going through. But the daughter is recovering well, is getting around ok, dealing with the pain she has but not letting it hold her down. My friend and I made plans to go to a place down at the shore this weekend and take a breather. We will both be packing and sorting all weekend. And ready for a break by Sunday afternoon.
She offered to pick me up at the airport when I fly home from Denver, which means I won’t have to pay parking for the week I’m gone.
She also said I will have a room at her house next summer, and she’s coming to FL in March, I’m pretty sure. Good times. Close friends. Love it.
I am pretty sure tomorrow I will just order a replacement tank, maybe to be delivered on Monday on Tuesday. My realtor is asking if I can get a regular hot water heater but not thinking they are gonna say yes. So it is what it is. My friend had to spend so much to get out of her house. Home ownership is not all it’s cracked up to be, let me tell you. Even if you are staying there for a long time. She and I both are of like minds, “I just want to get out of here.” A lot like when you get to the airport to go home. Just beam me up, Scotty. I don’t need the trip, I just want to be there. Overdue, you know?
Work seems hard to me lately, because I so don’t want to be there. I so just want to be in my new house, in my new life. The job keeps me tied to the past, and I’m letting go of the past. I have been focused on how hard it will be to say goodbye to my son when I get on the plane in Denver. And I should be focusing on how much fun it will be to drive across the country with him. He’s not seen any of our country, except Florida, Virginia, and the few days he spend in Colorado last February. We will have so much fun doing that, just hanging out together for those 6 days. I am looking forward to that!
I have decided to focus on the good, not the pain I will feel. This will be good for him, for me. We will always have each other. How many people even have the opportunity to drive across country with their son? I’m going to start to map it out when I’m too tired to do anything else.
I am blessed, no matter what. Fuck the hot water heater. I still have enough.
Love and light.
I’m having a glass of wine tonight. The tank is going to cost me over $2,300. It’s something called an indirect heater, which is, per the plumber who was just here, “High-end.” I could get a whole electric hot water heater for less than $1500, but I don’t know if I have to replace the leaking tank with what’s there. Holy shit. $2300. And I will be here for 7 more weeks.
Son of a bitch.
So I’m out in my sacred space, drinking, cooking dinner in the microwave. I texted my realtor and asked her if I can’t just put in a regular hot water heater and save $800. I have not heard yet. I mean, if I have to replace this one, I have to. I am not gonna break the contract over $800. But geezus. Flip me the frick out.
And then, there are the ants to deal with. Sigh……Maybe the house is pissed off I’m moving, lol. And I do love this house.
Not stressing, really, just freaked out. I thought it would be way cheaper because it’s not an electric hot water heater. Oh well. I guess I just let it unfold.
I have to go over my 2 quotes for moving and see if I can get a couple more. Make sure I’m comparing apples to apples.
I knew this was gonna get crazy for me, but didn’t think it would be this crazy, lol.
On top of this, I called in my diabetes meds for refills, and the most expensive one is still not covered. My dr is trying to get the insurance co. to make an exception. The assistant thought they had, but was supposed to call me back and didn’t. So I will have to go without until I get to their office and get free samples, because it’s $400 a month, just that one. It helped me lose 20 lbs, and keeps my glucose levels really decent. So maybe they got it covered, idk. I spent my lunch hour on the phone with the pharmacy and the dr’s office. That was fun. But the assistant I talked to is pretty sure they got the exception through. And they also can give me free samples to get by til the exception is through.
American health care is so f’d up. And this is supplemental Medicare insurance.
Whatever.
I’m alive, I am happy, basically. I’m moving to somewhere where I’ll never deal with winter again, and all my peeps will come to see me. Where I’ll never be cold again, never shovel snow again. Never wear gloves again. And I won’t have to work so damn hard, so many long hours, and carry so much responsibility. Like my bff said to me this am, just remember in 2 months you won’t have any debt.
Sigh……. that fact makes me want to lay in the breeze and feel the wind on my skin, lol.
So if it does in fact cost me an extra $3000, it’s worth it. I will make it back somehow. The plan is still perfect.
Love and light…..
I guess I will have to buy a new hot water storage tank. We don’t have the inspection report yet, but the realtor texted me to tell me that the hot water tank is leaking badly, and ready to go at any time. So….I guess I shouldn’t delay. Sucks….big time. However, my bff’s husband is gonna look for me, I have no idea who to even call. What a blessing to have friends like that.
But today I mellowed out about it. It is what it is. I will still be in Florida in 2 months, no matter what. Just gotta get through this leg. Then the packing leg. Then the getting my son to Colorado leg. Then the finish packing leg. Then the driving leg. But then I’ll be there. For good. Dancing in the moonlight. Under the palm trees, where the water is blue, not green.
One step at a time. I’ll get there.
It was hot today, like 103°. Really hot. Air so thick it weighed you down to walk in it. Then when I left work tonight it started raining, and the temp dropped to 75 in about an hour. So nice. Yet the heat didn’t seem bad to me. I went to the cove for lunch and sat in the sun with my windows down and a very slight breeze off the water. I fell asleep for about 5 minutes, it was lovely.
Maybe I’m a little crazy, lol.
Feeling really content tonight. Don’t feel stressed, didn’t need a glass of wine. Only The big picture is moving in the direction of my dreams. Not much more to say. At least not tonight.
Love and light.
So, look….I don’t break like a little girl. Usually. And not now, not today. In fact I’m a long ways away from breaking.
I am tired, I am slightly stressed. I know I need to be doing things like putting my furniture up for sale that I’m not taking with me. I’ve heard to just sell it on ebay, with a pick-up only, not to use Craig’s list. Don’t want to be letting the craigslist killer in my front door. Maybe I could advertise it in the local little paper. IDK. I need to find someone to give my old washer and dryer to, although, I have been told that Big Brother/Big Sisters will take that stuff off your hands and put it for sale in their stores, Savers. Which seems like a good cause, and I could take a tax deduction.
I need to finish getting the utilities in the Florida house in my name. I need to have the mail forwarded up here from there, til I move there.
I worry that my boss will find all this stuff out, about both houses, and it will ruin my relationship with him, which is good at the moment. Work life could get very unpleasant if that happens. But if I tell him, without an exit date, he might give me one, and I might not be ready to move, and I don’t want to have to pay this mortgage if I don’t have a job. So every day I feel like I’m taking a chance.
I want to find out what a POD will cost to get my son’s stuff to CO. I need to get costs on moving my stuff to FL.
Yesterday I was sat on my deck and fell asleep in the sun. It was lovely. But while I was there, I thought about how I ran into a good friend at the store yesterday, in the organic produce section, and we talked for 15 or 20 minutes. She wants to try her hand at jewelry making, for a hobby, because her youngest child is about to go off to college. So we made tentative plans for me to go with her to get some basic tools etc, and I told her to come over some Sunday (her husband works weekends) and we’ll sit on the deck and make jewelry…drink wine…
Anyway, sitting out there yesterday, thinking about that, I thought, God, I wonder how long it will take me to have friends like that in Florida? Friends I can make spur of the moment plans with, like going to Costco Saturday with my bff, like going to my cousins to do reiki, like having this friend over to make jewelry on the deck. I will miss my peeps so much. They are my family here. I’ll have to create a whole new family and that’s a little scary.
Altho, my bff said Saturday, “we want to come see you as soon as you get settled.” And I know she means it. I said, “October, you will love it there in October. You will be getting pissed because it’s getting cold here…Florida is lovely then.”
But still I had this dark vision of me sitting alone every weekend there, nothing to do and no one to do it with. It was momentary, because I know I will make friends, and I know that before I’d sit all alone, I’d probably head to the beach or my sisters, or something….But, you know, the fear kind of showed up momentarily.
But, I guess the point is, it doesn’t break me. I think a broken heart can break me, but even that only momentarily. And who knows, maybe I know enough now to work through it, without feeling broken at all, if it happens again. Plus, I think I learned enough lessons from the last two men, to choose better, and not fall in love with someone who will treat my heart so callously. I’m sure there are men who actually appreciate a loving heart, and will treat it lovingly in return. I’m hoping I find one in Florida.
Maybe at the yacht club, lol. Or maybe I’ll get a fishing pole and go down to the fishing pier and find a fisherman, one that doesn’t get a thrill out of being helicopter lifted off a sinking ship. One that just likes to catch fish, and be near the ocean. Calmer…..more content. More appreciative of the joys life offers every minute. One who doesn’t need to be walking on the edge to feel alive. One who feels alive every moment he takes a breath, and finds wonder in that gift.
So, the opinion once given me by the man who broke my heart, that I break like a little girl, well, I am gonna guess that he has probably discarded that opinion of me anyway. I broke like a grown up, and I did my work, and I once again found a new path that will work for me. I’ll get through the hard parts of it, probably by writing, by being near the sea every day, by finding joy somewhere every moment.
I won’t walk the edge, I won’t risk falling off. And if I slip, I won’t break. If I crack, well…I’ll let the light in, let it weld the pieces back together, and glow a little brighter when it’s over.
Love and light.
I have had a glass of wine every night this week. VERY unlike me. I don’t know why. I think I’ve just been stressed, had so much to do, it just has felt nice to sip on a glass with all the stuff I’ve had going on.
I have gongs tomorrow. I always say, perfect timing. And it always is. I’m ready to close my eyes, for the lights to go out and get transported to the ethers. Lots of stuff in there to work out, and may be I will and maybe I won’t. Always accomplish something though. I’m taking a girl I work with, and my friend who I go out with a lot. My friend has never been, and she’s not like me, not so alternative. But she seems psyched.
I’m not so unsettled now, as I was this morning. The day has a way of bringing me back to the present moment. I haven’t had any second thoughts about the choices I’ve made about my life’s direction, about S and how I feel about him. The edge is off of it some, but the feeling remains the same. I’m still walking away, at a nice steady pace, eyes forward. No looking over my shoulder.
Realtor sent me a link to my listing online. The house looks good, if I do say so myself. I’m still trying to find all the stuff they got out of sight. And I thought I’d already done a pretty good job of clearing it out!
Looking forward to my new life and all it brings. My sis says my deck in Florida is perfect for orchids, because it’s shady. She’s going to help me with the plants, it will be so much fun. A lot of people in the neighborhood have these “Feed the world” gardens up by the sidewalk. They grow veggies, that are meant to be taken by anyone who needs them. Kale, cabbage, I don’t even know what else. But I love the idea, that someone who might be hungry would find the food and not be hungry. It looks nice too. So I may try to do that.
The town has a community garden about 4 doors down from me, where people can get a little plot and grow a veggie garden. When I was there, there were people in there working on their gardens, talking….nice. What a nice thing to have on my block.
So tomorrow, I’ll go to the gongs, and work out whatever comes up to be worked out. Feeling peaceful tonight, happy. Content.
And falling asleep. Love and light.
I have been feeling like my blogs are becoming quite boring, really. I don’t have much profound stuff to write about lately. It’s all about the real here and now, getting the house up for sale, buying insurance for my house in FL. Getting ready for the move….So much to do to put this thing together.
It is a bit overwhelming to be doing it alone at times. However, my sister and brother-in-law have been life-savers there. Of course, without them I wouldn’t have bought a house already, so wouldn’t be dealing with buying and selling and moving all at once. I’m so grateful to them for what they have done. I thought I’d have to move down there, store my stuff, and live in my sis’s garage apartment (which is more like a 4 star hotel, lol) while I found a place to buy. It has taken a lot of the burden off of me to have a place to just move into.
Part of the overwhelming-ness is that my son will be moving away at the same time. He’s ready, he is excited about it, he wants to be on his own and I know I have to just let him find his way. It’s just that it’s been just the 2 of us for 8 years now, we have been a constant in each other’s lives. It’s just that we have always been there, just other life in the house. His energy is chaotic, young, excited. Mine is the opposite, I think. Calm, pragmatic, not too uptight about most things, most of the time. (I can lose it over a mess…which is his biggest fault, lol.) I will miss him. He’s kept me young since he was born when I was 41 years old. He tells me his friends think I am the coolest mom ever, which pleases me.
I have been missing my kitty too…more than I thought I would, to be honest. I’m miss her waiting at the door for me when I come home, bolting up the stairs ahead of me to get a drink out of the bathroom sink, sitting with me during my morning meditation, hopping up on the bed and sticking her nose in my face while I read. She was good company to me.
I went out with a friend last night to a kind of neighborhood local bar/restaurant. Small, but with live music. We enjoyed the band a lot, they played a lot of music from our era, they had one set that the vocalist, a woman, called “The Woodstock Hour”. Jefferson Airplane and Santana, Grateful Dead, among others, it was fun. They did some country, some blues, some kind of obscure old music. My friend asked a man to take a picture of us, which he did. He then came over and bought us a drink. She had told him I was moving, lol, and he and I talked a bit. It was nice, friendly. I think that I will do better when I move, and put myself in positions to actually meet someone in real life, rather than online. Anyway, it was lovely to get out for a few hours after a long week.
So, life goes on. I’ll be crazy busy finalizing the house for pictures this weekend. I hope I get to enjoy some of this lovely spring weather we’re having too. Finally.
Love and light, all.
Boy. The closer I get to not having to work, the less I want to go every day. So here I sit, Monday morning, just wishing it was 2 months from now and (hopefully) my house would be sold and I’d be packing to leave.
I am not good with the transitory phase. Once I decide I want to go in another direction, I just want to be there. When I visit family or friends, and the day comes where I have to go home, I just want to beam myself home, (“Beam me up, or in this case home, Scotty”). That’s about where I am today, Monday morning.
I’d so much rather be doing something that would facilitate my moving, than going to work. I think I will work a little when I get to Florida, maybe 20 hours a week. But it won’t be a job like this, no serious responsibility, or big decisions to make. Something mindless and maybe even fun, lol.
On top of not wanting to work, especially on Monday, when I have to work til 7, it is snowing. It snowed yesterday. Give it up winter! It was 60’s last week, now it’s 30’s and snowing. Another reason I want to get out of town, lol. I have never lived where there wasn’t winter to deal with, and I am SOOO looking forward to it.
I was talking to my sister yesterday, telling her how I was packing up clothes to give away that I won’t need. Looking in my coat closet, at my 5 or 10 winter coats. She said, “well you’ll need a warm jacket, and maybe a coat, once in a while. But you won’t need your ice scraper! Or your mittens!” We laughed, me, I almost cried, lol. I will be so happy never to walk out into 0° temps again, with 5 layers of thick clothing and still be cold. I hate being cold. I am too old to be cold. I won’t ever have my house set at 62°(F) again, when it’s so cold that to sit on the couch with my lap top, I am dressed my fleece pajamas, slipper boots, a thick pink robe, and a blanket over me. (This just made me think of Scott, without being upset, lol. He hated my pink robe. He called it the “dreaded pink robe.” If I wanted to make him laugh I’d send him a pic of me in it. Well those are old days, a funny memory.)
Do you suppose I’ll ever complain about the heat in Florida? I suppose. If I do, then…I’ll have to call my friends up here, in New England, or my friend up in the Adirondacks of New York, and see if I can come visit for a bit. I think I can find a bed. Airfare is cheap between Tampa and here.
Speaking of my friend from upstate NY, I think she’s coming to visit me next month. I want her to come before I leave here. She is an old high school buddy, we will have so much fun.
My new male friend will call tonight. He sent a message saying he would, and so far, he has done exactly as he says. Marbles in the jar. He’s reliable. He does what he says he will, time after time. Maybe we will make plans to meet, that would be nice. I look forward to talking to him, he has this easy, kind manner, his voice is relaxing. I feel like maybe we could be good friends, if nothing else, because I’m leaving.
I feel recovered this morning, from all my emotional upset that was wrapped around Maggie’s passing. Back to being excited about moving, about my new life. The old emotions have retreated to the place where they belong. They have a place in my heart always. But I feel, at the moment anyway, that I am done obsessing about them. There is so much for me to be happy about, grateful for, excited about. These are the things which will occupy my mind today.
Oh, and work, lol. I guess work will also still have to take up some of my space today. But not for long. Lots of joy in my heart this morning.
Love and light.
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