Tag Archives: memories

Closure is Vastly Overrated

Posted on by learning to live like water

No closure

I’ve been doing the Deepak Chopra / Oprah 21 day meditation on losing the weight.  I’d like to lose another 10 or 15 lbs before I move. Just to be a new me, really the old me, long ago, when I was young..  I’ve lost a couple lbs (first I had to lose the 4 lbs I gained on vacation, lol.)

As it turns out though, being overweight has so much to do with our emotional state, at least I know that’s true for me.  Being hungry for lots of things, often manifests in food. For the longest time, I’ve wanted real closure with S.  All the endings, lol, and there have been many, have always been ugly, have always left me confused, and in pain, or angry. This morning during the mediation I realized that what has happened is my head gets stuck on replaying over and over the words, the scenarios, looking for hints, looking for something to hold onto.  It’s a loop, that I get stuck on, and I’d say many of us do.

Today I woke with no angst, or desire for that old life.  Then listening to Deepak’s quiet voice, I realized that I have to question that loop I get stuck in occasionally.  Is it real?  Is it true?  (And I say that in my best Byron Katie voice.) And, does it matter?  Does it have anything to do with what goes on now?

No, is the answer to all of it.  It has always been chaotic with him, it has always been extreme, it never made any sense and never will.  I have to stop the loop in my head that wants it that way. Just shut it down, and realize that my life and his no longer intersect because they are not supposed to.  The love and the passion that we shared is really the only thing that I choose to remember. Whether or not he perceives it, or chooses to remember it that way, I have to let go of.  And just move on.

There is no closure.  There wasn’t with my ex either.  My ex, is a mess…..I love him, I don’t want him in my life in any way.  There is only chaos, and still…he seeks power and control by trying to make me feel bad that I left, that he’s broke, that I salvaged what I could.  S…I love him too, but also can’t have him in my life.  Again, there is only chaos, of a different kind, but chaos nonetheless.  I saw, in January, how he was quite willing to bounce back and forth between me and B, when it suited him.  I hope he finds happiness, but I don’t expect he will.  There is no closure with people who live in their ego.

So…we have to break the loop that keeps asking for it.  The one that keeps asking “But why?” to all the myriad questions.  Suffice to say it’s over, there are better things ahead, and just move on.  Trust in the universe to right the wrongs, to bring your dreams to you.

In the meditation….he talks about breaking the loop that always brings us to eat as the answer.  That identifies all hunger as actual need for food.  I think those of us who have loved narcissists, or abusers stuck on power and control, just have to give ourselves closure, by breaking that endless loop that races through our minds.

And really move on.

Every day, I am able to do that more.  Yesterday I was stronger than the day before.  Today, I am stronger than yesterday.  The memories I choose to keep, are tempered by truth, and I detach myself from them.

Moving on….it starts slowly, one small weak step, then another.  At first away from the pain and heartache, but at some point, we begin to walk toward something, our dreams, ourselves.  I have begun to walk briskly toward my dreams.  Those memories are shrinking into the distant past.

Was it real?  Wast it true?  It doesn’t matter.  It’s over.

Life is good.  Make yourself a beautiful dream, and start taking one small step toward it.  You don’t need closure to do it. You just have to start walking.

Love and light.

 

Exorcising The Ghosts

Posted on by learning to live like water

I took a walk on the beach alone this morning. I have only been twice now, because I was gone for the weekend. My sis went with me last time. It seemed I had some emotional processing to do, when I got there.

It was low tide. My head kept echoing “Low Tie…..” Which was what S always called it, from his days fishing.

I had a hard time silencing his voice in my head. I took pictures, of waves breaking on the sand bars. Of the waves breaking on the shore, leaving shells, broken sand dollars, pieces of coral and coquina. I took this picture, and also a video, which I can’t seem to get to transfer here..

IMG_2247

I kept wanting to send the video to him, with the sound of the waves breaking, and just say, “Lo Tie….” He would have appreciated it I think. At least for a moment, before he deleted it.

I walked along the dunes, remembering last March, when I was there. We had broken up, because of the prison whore. I had been seeing Addison. S was working all his magic on me, while I was gone, to take me back from Addie. I was walking on the beach, I was talking to him, I was falling so in love with him again, missing him so much. He was sweet, contrite, he wanted me. There was no her, there was nothing but he and I. Addie….loved me, like crazy. But I never stopped loving S.

We planned for S to come over the night after I got back. To talk, to see if we could repair the damage that had been done by the prison whore episode. But in my head, I already knew who it was that I wanted to be with.

Addison was picking me up at the airport at midnight. He had my car, there was no way around it. He expected to spend the night with me. “Please don’t sleep with him Deb.” “I won’t have sex, S. He’ll just sleep there, it’s going to be late.” “Even sleeping together is intimate….”

I knew it was, I knew that it wasn’t fair to Addie to sleep with him when my head and heart were with S.  I really didn’t want to either.  I knew I had to tell him on the ride home from the airport. I was dreading breaking that sweet man’s heart.

God that was a hard  beach walk. I guess there were a few ghosts here anyway, even though he never came here with me.

Anyway, I was overcome with the desire to communicate with him, and of course. I mean how could I remember all that and not want to just say hi. Just let him know that I was thinking kindly of him after all that ugliness last week.

I tried to send him the video, just as I’d imagined.

I say tried, because it couldn’t be delivered. The cell reception here was not good enough.

I let it go. I just acknowledged, it wasn’t supposed to go.

And I thought, “thank you universe, for watching out for me.” Because no good would have come from sending it, from opening the communication back up. None.

I said to myself, well, last year you were here, falling in love with him all over again. This year you are here, letting him go again.

The breeze blew gently, blew my hair off my neck, the sun shone on my face, the sand was soft, the sky was blue, and I turned to walk back to the bank of cubbies that are there to hold your flip-flops when you walk on the sand.

By the time I got there, I was just so grateful it didn’t get sent. I didn’t want it sent. I would have been horrified with myself if it had gone through. All it would have done, even if there was not response, or even a positive one, would have been to reconnect all the connections I have tried so hard to break. I would have undone weeks, months worth of work.

I had thought, while doing it, that I might unblock his phone. I hadn’t decided yet. When I got my flip-flops back, I sat on the bench nearby to dust the sand off my feet. I looked at my phone, and deleted the text to him. I put my flip-flops on and began the walk home, 2 blocks. Grateful, ever so grateful, that the universe stopped me from doing something that would have damaged my psyche again, and set me back so far. That would have in the end caused me more pain that I already have around that man.

I was able to remember his callousness. The way he now tried to negate memories like that one.  His last advice, “why don’t you focus on finding Mr. right?” As if, as if, you can just stop loving someone you love and replace him with another. He of all people should know. It was a stupid thing for him to say. “I’m sorry” might have been better. I know what a shit he is. I know how unreliable, how self-absorbed, how disingenuous he is. I know he uses people, and makes the wrong decisions all the time. I know all his bad traits.

Just, today, I remembered “low tie” and “high tie” and those moments when he wouldn’t be any of that shitty stuff, and how he could make me feel like he loved me. Those times when the light I always saw would break through, and blind me from its pure beauty.

But I made it through, by the grace of God, back to myself, back to my path, away from that pain. Away from all the craziness, the chaos, the mixed signals, the drama. Away from him and the darkness he spread into my life.

I made it.

To The Shore, Or Not….

Posted on by learning to live like water

Sleep did not evade me last night!  I got about 8 hours, albeit broken by waking up every couple of hours.  But I got back to sleep pretty easily without Ambien.  Yay!

My energy is my own this morning, and that feels good.  No angst, except about how I’m going to do everything I want to do and still maybe get to the shoreline, lol.  Grocery shopping first, my fridge is so bare! And putting the outside lights up, which shouldn’t take all that long.  I promised my son I’d make cookies too.

The shore is about 45 minutes from me, which means an hour and a half drive time.  Maybe an hour there.  Maybe take a pad of paper and my kindle, read and write.  Or just use my phone to write.  I think I need to go.  Need those negative ions that blow off the water and connect to my soul.  The endless sky and water, and the islands, the places of my dreams that are also places I have some warm memories of.

I have some memories of S at the place I would go.  (That’s a pic of it at the top of the page.)  Our first date, which ended because the park closed.  We spent the whole day together there by the water, just walking and talking.  It is also the place where he first told me he wanted to be alone, it was last spring, and figure out what he needed to do with his life. He said, “I think I’m gonna break your heart again.”  I answered with a smile, “Again?” We walked on the beach, we sat at a picnic table, we walked around the park and talked.  I didn’t get upset, at all.  I remember he was turned around as to where he was in relation to the water and the islands, and insisted that one island was another.  These were the waters I lived on, on my boat, for 30 years, so I told him when we walked up on a ridge he’d see I was right.  And of course I was.  I laughed and said, “See….here you have a woman who knows the waters around here like the back of her hand and you don’t want her…”  He looked at me and said, “It’s never been a question of not wanting you.”

I asked if it was a temporary or a permanent break, he said “I didn’t think temporary  was an option.”  I told him that I think he probably needs to do it, and if he wanted he could just check in with me when he felt like it, let me know how he’s doing.

Obviously, that was all because Betty was back in his life, I know now.  Why he didn’t want to tell me the truth I don’t know.  But at any rate, when I didn’t get upset and just was a friend to him, he asked me if I wanted to come over for dinner (which never meant just dinner).  So much for not seeing me anymore.  I said to him, “you just said you wanted to be alone….” He said, “but I like you so much when you’re like this….”  Lol.

I do think he had a soft spot for me, and in some warped way wanted to keep me in his life, while he kept her.  It’s just too bad that he couldn’t own the truth with me.  He could have kept me in his life if he had, as a friend.  If he could own what he’s done now, we might be friends again.  I never could hold a serious grudge.  Even for this, if he’s learned his lesson and can stop lying to me. I would never be intimate with him again, but we could at least talk, he could still make me laugh.  Maybe.  If he could own his story, and stand up and be counted.

Of course, he may be holding a grudge with me, for making him tell her, for bringing the truth out.  But I think, really, he knows that it’s his own actions that caused the situation.  Not the fact that I insisted the truth be on the table.

At any rate, I don’t feel like I’d be triggered into anything if I go there.  I feel like it’s all a story of my past now.  Distance and time have given me back my own life.

Time for me to get my day underway, if I really want to get everything done today.

 

 

Energy-Laden Random Thoughts

Posted on by learning to live like water

Feeling all over the place this morning.  Trying to put this stuff in some kind of random order, so I know where I am.

I went out with a friend last night.  First time I have been out in ages, maybe since S and I split up.  It was good for me.  We went to a little Italian restaurant and sat at the bar.  It’s in a small town on the Connecticut River. A band began to play at 9, and opened with Van Morrison’s “Into the Mystic”, which is one of my favorite songs of all time.  Then they did Van Morrison’s “Caravan”.  Also love that.  Love Van Morrison.  Then they did 2 Neil Young songs, “Old Man” and “Heart of Gold”. Love him too.

It’s been AGES since I listened to live music. They were pretty good too, and funny between songs.  They could have used a sax on the Van Morrison stuff but it was still great.  I was sitting in my bar stool, singing along, kind of seat dancing to it.  I laughed when they played Tom Petty “I Won’t Back Down” because the first time I saw a psychic, I was battling with S over his offers of a “nice afternoon”, aka a physical relationship.  And the spirits and guides that showed up, the psychic said, came in singing that song.  She, the psychic, had never met me before, and only knew my first name.  She said, “they’re singing Stand your ground, don’t back down.”  My friends kept looking at me while she was telling me this, we had just discussed this on the way to the psychic in the car.

So here I was listening to this music, first “Into the Mystic” which S always said was his favorite Van Morrison song, and Neil Young.  One night S and I watched a 2 hour special on Neil Young.  I remember laying in his bed one afternoon listening to a Neil Young CD, such a pleasant afternoon.  And then “I Won’t Back Down” which made me laugh.  Lots of his energy hanging around me.

It was around all day yesterday, I was feeling his energy.  Strongly in the morning, not so much in the afternoon.  Then last night at about 1:30 I was wide awake and had some very strong feelings from him.  I fought with myself not to do what I would have done 2 or 3 months ago and sent him a text asking if he was ok, or wanted to talk.  It felt panicky.  But I didn’t.  I knew that doing that would end up in the wrong place, would be taken wrong.  And just because I feel it, doesn’t mean he wanted to talk to me.  If he did, or does, want to talk to me,  he knows how to reach me.  I let him deal with it himself, and finally got to sleep by sending him reiki to calm him down energetically.  Of course, he didn’t ask, but if he doesn’t want the reiki energy he won’t get it.  It will just hang outside his aura.  It can never hurt….  I felt everything calming finally, maybe it just calmed me.  But anyway, I got 4 or 5 hours of sleep finally.

Thinking  of going to the shore this weekend.  We are having exceptional weather for December.  Sunny, not too cold. I need to put up a notice at the yacht club to try to sell my boat slip, and I haven’t been to the water for a long long time.  It would do me a lot of good.  Maybe take a sandwich over to the park where S and I had our first date.  It’s a beautiful place.  I don’t think it would trigger anything bad, but would bring some peace.  Maybe tomorrow, it’s going to be close to 60°, which is crazy here in December.

So it’s all good.  I’ll get a lot of stuff done around the house today, make a nice dinner for my son and I.  Maybe catch up with some friends.  Just a nice quiet life.

 

Random Memories Wreaking Havoc

Posted on by learning to live like water

Warning:  This is pretty raw……

Today was difficult.  I had that random rogue wave memory hit me today, while I was working.  (See last blog)  I had to go to the ladies room to keep from crying at my desk.  I just don’t understand the mentality.

When he did the prison whore, he called me two days later and couldn’t wait to tell me.  He didn’t want the weight of it on him.  He said “I did something and it’s gonna hurt.”  But he still had to tell me.  He had to do the right thing.  That was February.

In May, he had me over to his house on a Sunday.  Not of course, Saturday night.  I had been there in April, a couple weeks before, the night his friend died. (I had been sitting at home, and was overcome with a feeling from him…I called and asked if he was ok.  He said “funny you should ask.   Gus died last night.”  I was there in a few hours.  He was sad….really sad. But Ok.)  I didn’t think anything of the fact that I hadn’t been with him the night before, now two weeks or so later.  He’d had the memorial service for his friend the day/night before. I got there late morning, I think.  We made love, we were sitting naked, he on his couch and me in one of his recliners, and he told me he was thinking maybe we didn’t need to see each other every weekend.  I remember saying, “I think I want to get dressed.”

He was most likely in her bed the night before, or maybe she had been there and left.  More likely he was at her house…which is why I was not at his house the night before.  I think Saturday that weekend he might have gone to the memorial get together for his friend who died.  I bet she went with him.  She knew the friend too.  I think they first connected when she commented on his picture on FB.  Maybe he even called her to tell her. Since she wasn’t really married……  Maybe he spent the night with her.  Maybe their first night together again.  Maybe not.  Maybe he came home and texted me about it. I can’t remember, it was 7 months ago.  But I’m sure he started seeing her then.  And then he had me over Sunday.

He just said he wanted to focus on himself, on his house, his yardwork, he’d been in a relationship for all his life, he wanted to see what it was like alone…..He still wanted to see me, just not as often for awhile.

Because he had her now.

(This is only a rough timeline.  I didn’t always write about it when I was with him, apparently.  I know I was the weekend of March 30.  I know that was not the last time I was at his house, so I think this is approximately right.)

But he didn’t respect me or his relationship with her enough to tell me the truth.  He could tell me the truth about Samantha the prison whore, but not Betty.  He couldn’t tell me the truth about her until I was ready to come down there and find her there. He disregarded everything either of us ever said to him about not wanting any part of a relationship like that.

All summer he tried to get me to be part of an intense physical relationship, but nothing else.  Because we had a great physical relationship.  When I began to realize that’s what he wanted, I told him to let me go.  Not to come see me if he didn’t want to stay.  A couple of times he spent the night, I don’t know how that worked with her, that I got him on a Saturday night.  Maybe they were fighting.  Maybe she went away.  Maybe he lied to her.  Who the hell knows?  But he gave me just enough to hold on.

Now I get why in early May he was excited to go to Florida with me in early June and suddenly did a 180° turn.  I knew something was up then, but I couldn’t figure it out.  I was angry about it though.  He’d found cheap tickets for us, we’d talked about what we’d do…etc. He was going to rent a car so we could fly into Tampa and then he’d have a car while I visited my mom.  And suddenly he wouldn’t go.  Broke my heart then.  And I got over it, because I fucking loved him.

Sometimes I’d agree, “if that’s the only way I can see you then ok….”  More and more often the answer became “…..Let me go if that’s what you want.  It’s not what I want.”  He wouldn’t do that either.   I’d say, “You wanting to find yourself and be alone is fine, but it doesn’t mean I’m sitting in the wings waiting for you whenever you get the urge.  If you want to be alone, then be alone.”

Of course, he wasn’t, alone. He had her.  But he wouldn’t say so.  He wanted us both, hanging around.  I could see him anytime from Sunday afternoon til Saturday morning.  He could easily, apparently, go from her bed to mine, or mine to hers.

I remember the day of the eclipse, end of September, Sunday night of the weekend before he dropped his bomb.  We were texting…I was telling him that the reason our sex life was so good was because I loved him so much.  That I couldn’t even participate if I didn’t love him.  He suddenly seemed to hear me….he was going to come here and watch the eclipse.  He was getting ready to leave and fell down his stairs and couldn’t move.  He was laying on the floor on his back.  He had been half-thinking of spending the night because I can go into work late on Monday.

And then he couldn’t come.  I think that was true…He had been planning to leave when he called me me from the floor.  She wouldn’t have been around on a Sunday night, and never would have known if he came over and spent the night.

So we sat on our own decks and watched it, texting occasionally.  We both saw the same shooting star.  We texted all week from early in the morning til we went to bed.  During work. During lunch.   Close, intimate, sweet, sexy.

Right up til we went to bed Friday night.  I felt he heard and understood me for the first time in ages.  I felt close…he said he did too.  He texted me at 4 AM when he woke up “for no reason”.   Turns out for plenty of reason. At 10:30 he texted me that he was going to be with her.

Set up.  So set up.  So set up all summer for him to devastate me.  At the moment I loved him the most, he brought me down, he crushed me.

I’ve been pretty good lately.  It doesn’t hurt much anymore.  Angers me more than hurts.   But today, all these random memories from last spring have been just barging into my mind, not knocking at the door, not ringing the doorbell, not asking if they could come in. Slapping my face, ripping open scars, spitting in my face.

All that time.  He could tell me about the prison whore, who meant nothing to him.  But he couldn’t tell me about Betty, who he claims now, he loved.  He couldn’t even honor her by telling me the truth.  He couldn’t respect her wishes.   He couldn’t honor me or respect me and my wishes.  What did I do to deserve that?  I loved him so much, I was always there for him.  I asked very little of him.  Whatever he wanted.  We had fun together, we played, we flirted, but for me…it was always within the confines of just us.  It was just two people who cared for each other being intimate.

I want to get back to forgiveness.  I’m happier there, but tonight I’m hurting.  It won’t take so long, it won’t hurt as deep this time but it hurts.  He’ll read this, and he’ll hide away from me.  What does he care, he didn’t care for those 6 months.  He’s probably hiding from Betty too.  Why should he wonder if the women whose lives he ripped up for his own pleasure are ok?  He can’t do anything about it, but if it was me, I’d still want to know that they were not still laying on the ground bleeding.

I know he’s a sick man.  I mean, mentally ill, to do this to anyone.  I also know he’s not going to do anything about it.  He’s not going to face his demons, he’s going to let them have free rein.  He’s going to go to his grave believing that he was hurt by all this.  All this that he created, and he set up, and he caused with his lies and deception to feed his own ego.  Eventually, I’ll feel sorry for him. Eventually.

Not tonight.  Tonight, I’d like to know that he feels the depth of my pain.  Tonight I’d like to know he has even a modicum of remorse for the way he shattered me, and left me lying there in pieces.  Tonight I’d like to know that it all meant something to him, something more than great sex.  I wonder if he knows how much audacity he had to ask me to help him with Betty, after he ripped my heart out and chewed it up and spit it out in a bloody mess.  He wanted me to help him deal with the lies and deception of another woman, without any consideration as to what those lies and deception did to me.  As if I should just understand, because he didn’t love me, he loved her.  As if that somehow made my pain less intense.  You’d be hard pressed to make me believe he loved anyone but himself.  Playing two women all summer, lying to them both, deceiving them both.  That’s not love S.  That’s self gratification, like jerking off.  One was an old fuck, one was a new one.  But we were both just a fuck for you.  We both know it.

I know I’ll never get what I wish I’d gotten even a little of.  I’m left to dry my own tears, and put my own self back together, and start walking again, away from him, toward a new life.

 

 

 

The Dark Parade

Posted on by learning to live like water

Waking

In the still dark early morning hours.

I lay in my warm bed,

Snuggled under clean sheets and  comforter

And watch the parade of your lies

Pass in front of my eyes

As I loved you beyond limit and reason.

Why? Oh why?

What good was ever going to come of the lies?

One piled on the other.

Unnecessary.  Specious.

People crushed, hearts and souls

Scattered in pieces across the landscape.

Is that piece mine?  Maybe that one is hers.

I can’t tell them apart.

I see you in the distance

The child in the riverboat

Caught in the whirlpool

Of the lies.

No one to save you.

You left us bleeding on the shore,

Still searching for the pieces.

Three lives

Forever changed.

Shattered

By the lies.

I want to go back to sleep

In the silent darkness

And forget

How I loved you

In the face of your lies.

Grateful for daybreak

chasing the dark parade away.

Half-Moon Light

Posted on by learning to live like water

Image result for Half Moon light

Half-moon light.

That pale white light

Illuminating the otherwise dark of night.

Pours through my skylight,

Lighting up my room

So I am not afraid of the dark anymore.

So many nights,

I lay in fear of the darkness.

It allowed in all the memories I tried to forget.

This moon, this half moon light

relegates those old memories to a past life.

They are like an old dream,

An old movie.

Just a fantasy

Never based in truth.

The moonlight allows me the freedom

To see things as they are.

Real.  Good.

Free.

Growing Pains

Posted on by learning to live like water

Today was kinda rough. But there is no growth without pain, is there?

After texting with S yesterday, which never comes to any good end, I just cut it off, and thought that I’d not hear from him for a few days, but I heard from him today on his lunch break. And again, to no good end.  Yesterday I cut it off when it started to get ugly, today, it got ugly, and I blocked him, for good.  I have no desire to argue with him, and that was the only point.  To argue over nothing, as if it mattered how it turned out. It didn’t matter, it doesn’t matter, and I’m sick of it.  Why argue when you have no relationship?  What’s the point?  I don’t want anything from him, except to be left alone by him.  It’s over and done.

As in the Rumi quote, watch my rising.

There is no need for ugliness.  The love doesn’t disappear, it just transforms, into something else, a different kind of caring, that doesn’t leave your heart aching and your stomach upset.  It wasn’t my choice then, now it’s a choice I agree with.  It’s a choice I want, I want to be free of the old encumbrance, I want nothing to hold me back from finding that which I want.  I don’t want to ruin what are good memories with any more bad ones.  It’s like my dysfunctional marriage, I still can remember many good times, even though the ending was ugly, but I want no more ugly memories to add to it.  And the same with S.  No more memories at all, just let it be done.

As it should have been ages ago, way before Betty Boop came back.  Long ago.  With the prison whore probably.  Or when the first signs of withdrawal showed after his friend died.

But whatever, it’s over now.  I don’t want a text, a voice mail, an email.  I don’t want one more minute of it.  The longing is turning into something that I don’t want to feel, the missing him is starting to feel ridiculous. Missing what?  I don’t know.  Nothing that I can’t live without. Nothing that I haven’t lived without for a long time, and nothing that I don’t feel better without now.

He has his “one, the one”.  My opinions about that are none of his business, nor is how I feel about him or see him.  Whether or not I can still unconditionally love him, is none of his business.  I hope he quits thinking about it, and tries to make something work in his life.  With her.  And leave me alone.

He said he wanted to find a way to keep me in his life.  There is no way.  I don’t want to be in it.  I get to make that choice, and I made it, irrevocably today.  Too much ugliness.  I’m just done with it.

Lessons, there are always lessons.  Even the ones you think are hard, and you hated learning them, raise you to a place you’d not been before, if you choose to learn them.  Watch me rise….watch the experience lift me into a smarter, wiser, more tender, more loving place.  Every experience can lift you or knock you down.  Trust always, that what happened was supposed to happen, and glean from it what you can that will help you grow.

That is my intention.  To grow, to be better than I was.

Friday Morning Musings

Posted on by learning to live like water

Yesterday was a kind of rough day.  I guess I’m not off the roller-coaster completely yet, but the rides are becoming less and less often.  I found myself missing who he was months ago.  It’s painful, it can become so intense.  I am able to get off the ride though, by remembering who he has become. Remembering the incomprehensible choices he made and the cruelty with which he was able to dismiss me.  And because A is always there, reminding me without even trying that I deserve to be loved in return.  Plus, I am excited to meet this new guy this weekend.  We have talked every night this week, we have really hit it off on the phone.

So these things help me crawl out of the slump.  If he hadn’t been so deceitful it would have been easier.  Seeing her and not telling me, pretending for weeks it was still only he and I.  The flirting, the innuendo.  And then his inability to truly let me go after.  But I haven’t heard from him since his voice mail Tuesday, so maybe he has, finally, let me go.  Maybe he realizes I meant it when I said it, I would never trust my heart to him again.  No matter if he keeps her or sends her packing, (which would be his smart choice, but he’s not known for making those), he destroyed what we had with his actions. There isn’t even a friendship there.

So today it’s onward, I am ok today, not missing him.  In full recognition of who he is this morning.  I’m excited about the future for myself.

I was pleased last night that the man I’m going to meet this weekend showed an interest in Reiki and energy work when we talked last night.  He has no knowledge of it, but had a lot of good questions, and seemed genuinely to want to know.  That was refreshing, to know he was open to alternative practices and beliefs, a little out of the mainstream.  I also like that he loves the outdoors, loves the beach and the water.  Like S, this man seems to know and love the Rhode Island beaches.  Maybe I can reclaim them, and make new memories there, instead of always having to think of S when I am there.  I would like that.

When my ex and I divorced, I went to our favorite beach with a couple girlfriends.  We had to walk in 2 miles from the state park, it’s a beach only really accessible by boat.  But I went, and gave myself a few moments alone.  I didn’t want the memories I had there with my son and my ex to keep me from a place I loved.  I reclaimed it, for myself.  Ii will do that with the other places S took me.  He once asked me not to take another man to these places.  It is an unfair request.  I’m not going to lose these beautiful places.  I am going to make new memories.

A was asking me about him, in the interest of wanting to see me with someone capable of loving me.  He said to me, “No more bums, Deb, ok?”  LOL.  Nope.  I’ll be more careful.  I will guard my heart more closely. This man will have to earn my trust, and the right to hear my story.  I already know he can make me laugh and put me at ease.  I just hope there is chemistry when we meet. I feel like there will be, but you never know.

Onward.