Sweet Infinity
No beginning, nor an end
Eternal existence.
Category Archives: Acceptance
Closure is Vastly Overrated
I’ve been doing the Deepak Chopra / Oprah 21 day meditation on losing the weight. I’d like to lose another 10 or 15 lbs before I move. Just to be a new me, really the old me, long ago, when I was young.. I’ve lost a couple lbs (first I had to lose the 4 lbs I gained on vacation, lol.)
As it turns out though, being overweight has so much to do with our emotional state, at least I know that’s true for me. Being hungry for lots of things, often manifests in food. For the longest time, I’ve wanted real closure with S. All the endings, lol, and there have been many, have always been ugly, have always left me confused, and in pain, or angry. This morning during the mediation I realized that what has happened is my head gets stuck on replaying over and over the words, the scenarios, looking for hints, looking for something to hold onto. It’s a loop, that I get stuck on, and I’d say many of us do.
Today I woke with no angst, or desire for that old life. Then listening to Deepak’s quiet voice, I realized that I have to question that loop I get stuck in occasionally. Is it real? Is it true? (And I say that in my best Byron Katie voice.) And, does it matter? Does it have anything to do with what goes on now?
No, is the answer to all of it. It has always been chaotic with him, it has always been extreme, it never made any sense and never will. I have to stop the loop in my head that wants it that way. Just shut it down, and realize that my life and his no longer intersect because they are not supposed to. The love and the passion that we shared is really the only thing that I choose to remember. Whether or not he perceives it, or chooses to remember it that way, I have to let go of. And just move on.
There is no closure. There wasn’t with my ex either. My ex, is a mess…..I love him, I don’t want him in my life in any way. There is only chaos, and still…he seeks power and control by trying to make me feel bad that I left, that he’s broke, that I salvaged what I could. S…I love him too, but also can’t have him in my life. Again, there is only chaos, of a different kind, but chaos nonetheless. I saw, in January, how he was quite willing to bounce back and forth between me and B, when it suited him. I hope he finds happiness, but I don’t expect he will. There is no closure with people who live in their ego.
So…we have to break the loop that keeps asking for it. The one that keeps asking “But why?” to all the myriad questions. Suffice to say it’s over, there are better things ahead, and just move on. Trust in the universe to right the wrongs, to bring your dreams to you.
In the meditation….he talks about breaking the loop that always brings us to eat as the answer. That identifies all hunger as actual need for food. I think those of us who have loved narcissists, or abusers stuck on power and control, just have to give ourselves closure, by breaking that endless loop that races through our minds.
And really move on.
Every day, I am able to do that more. Yesterday I was stronger than the day before. Today, I am stronger than yesterday. The memories I choose to keep, are tempered by truth, and I detach myself from them.
Moving on….it starts slowly, one small weak step, then another. At first away from the pain and heartache, but at some point, we begin to walk toward something, our dreams, ourselves. I have begun to walk briskly toward my dreams. Those memories are shrinking into the distant past.
Was it real? Wast it true? It doesn’t matter. It’s over.
Life is good. Make yourself a beautiful dream, and start taking one small step toward it. You don’t need closure to do it. You just have to start walking.
Love and light.
Dancing Through the Insanity
I am starting to find out exactly what’s involved with putting a house on the market. It’s not like there’s a choice, if I want top dollar for the house I have to do it. Today I spent a little time getting stuff together for Easter…some of the traditional Polish treats. My son is half-Polish, his father was 3rd generation 100% Polish, so I like to keep up some of the holiday traditions for him.
Started clearing out the stuff that needs to be out of sight when the house goes on the market, especially for the pictures. Up and down the stairs. Biggest problem is all my jewelry making stuff. Trying to put it in some semblance of order, out of the way. It’s not a neat hobby, lol.
I sat down on the couch to rest around 2. I was so exhausted, and I slept a good 7 hours last night. Why so tired? It occurred to me as I sat, on the computer, with my music from my phone playing on the stereo, that I hadn’t eaten but a protein bar at 7 AM and some coffee. So I got a yogurt, and a tall glass of water, and ate it while I perused WP and FB. Felt much better after about 10 minutes, I think my sugar had crashed.
I decided to brave the basement storage area. It’s attached to my son’s space, and his mess is like water, seeking it’s own level, spreading across the floor. I worked down there for awhile, just cleaning up, straightening up, throwing stuff away, emptying junk out of cabinets…. Maybe a couple hours. Changed the furnace filter while I was at it.
About 4:30 or so I sat down again in the TV room on the couch, opened the computer and next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes and it was about an hour later. I had fallen so dead asleep, I was disoriented waking up. And I was hungry! I made a little dinner, and then got some estimates on moving stuff to Florida. That will require some thought. A mover would be nice, but would cost about $800 more than a POD. Which is expensive enough, but how to get the furniture from upstairs down into the POD? I have no idea….. My move into this house was about 2 miles, from a small condo, and cost me $300. Will have to work on that issue.
Tomorrow, no time to rest. I have to get to the grocery store, hopefully before the rest of the town. Make a carrot cake, traditional for Easter. Why? Idk…Bunnies like carrots? No idea, but it wouldn’t seem like Easter without it. I usually give most of it away, take it to work, whatever. Then start on the garage. I have a ton of stuff that needs to go to the dump, so I looked up how that works on line. I have to get a permit from the town for $10 and can only take stuff there on Saturday. It looks like at least 2 or 3 trips. UGH.
I talked to my BFF’s husband today, who is like a brother to me, and asked him if he would look at my fireplace and just tell me what I need to replace, because for the life of me I can’t figure it out. He said he’d come over this week sometime. He is truly one of the good guys.
If I weren’t moving to a house a mile from the beach, I’d say I was gonna need a vacation when this is all done. But I will be on a permanent one, lol. I guess it’s just getting the house ready now that seems the big job. Once it’s done and on the market, I only need to keep it that way, not get it that way.
This must be the most boring blog ever, but I’m trying to document what has been done, what has to be done, and this helps me to organize my thoughts. I think I’m going to need at least 2 more weekends before pictures, but no longer. I need the house on the market by the middle of April.
The realtor texted me today that the seller has decided to get the gas hooked up in her name, so we can test the stove (and I’m so excited to have a gas stove, I’ve always had electric) and hot water heater. It was really a small thing, but I’m glad about that. The stove is brand new but not the hot water heater, so will be glad to have it checked out. We had the mold test done today, will get the results back Tuesday or Wednesday and then go in for the final negotiating. So, I have from now til then to kind of relax and let it be.
Tonight, all the emotional kind of angst I’ve had for days seems to have subsided, really disappeared for the time being. I know it’s a huge part of why I’m so tired. When the medium told me I needed to nurture myself, she said, that’s why you’re so tired all the time. I didn’t think I was tired all the time then, but it was like a prophesy! Because man, am I tired now that I’ve let it go. It’s not completely gone I’m sure, but I’m in a way better place. Probably because I wrote so much about it, and then because I spent the day working toward my new dream.
It’s quite a journey, from unconditional love and forgiveness, to betrayal yet again, to understanding, to anger over people trying to involve themselves in something that was none of their business, and then trying to let it all go again. Egos are so destructive. I think I’m pretty much back to the place of unconditional love from an unattached place. Back to the knowing I will always love the man, and also that I can never let him into my life again. I would say, we could be friends only, but really, even that….would be hard. We’ve never been in the same place and been able to keep our hands off one another. So how could we be friends only? Just let it go. I’ll soon be 1500 miles away, and creating a new life. He’ll have his old life, maybe. IDK. Maybe not, maybe she will realize she can never trust him, even if she loves him. Same as I did. It doesn’t matter to me any more. Moving forward. Rising strong.
Going to bed, lol. Love and light.
Better Things Await
First day back at work. I had over 1000 emails to sift through. My boss promised a half dozen people I’d ship their orders today. Like, yeah, sure. While I’m reading my 1000 emails. It was crazy, but….I laughed my way through it, thinking, I won’t have to do this much longer! LOL I was so happy, even though the normal absurdity of the workplace was creating chaos all around me.
I am not telling the people at work about the house. There are too many people who can’t keep their mouths shut.
My sis called me today, and the real estate agent called her today and someone else has made an offer, contingent on financing. So my sis and brother-in-law are going to meet with her at the house tomorrow and barring something unforseen, will make a cash offer to them. Then I’ll pay them back when my house sells.
I can’t even believe they would do this for me. I mean, I can, they are loving and grateful to have the ability to help their family out, but I can’t believe it anyway. It’s just beyond what I ever would have dreamed of. This means that I won’t have to rent a place when I head down there, I’ll have a place to just move into. It’s crazy. Just crazy. I am so friggin blessed. Just blessed.
My son is a little nervous, but I told him we will work it out. He doesn’t think he’ll be ready to head for Colorado when I’m ready to move, but we will figure it out. The universe will make it work, I’m sure.
I am so excited, and happy, and so looking forward to this move. For awhile I felt like I was running from things. From S, mostly, from my ex, from so many bad memories, so much pain and sadness. But now…idk. I don’t feel any attachment to any of the past, only a lot of excitement to get on with this chapter of my life. Not having to go to work every day, being able to follow my passions, to ride a bike everywhere, to get to the beach on a daily basis! To smell the salt air and feel the sea breeze all the time.
I think my ex and S were the two most difficult relationships of my life. My ex for sure, and S, even though it wasn’t that long, I loved him soooo fucking much, and he hurt me sooooo badly. But you know what? I learned from both of them, both relationships, lessons I would not otherwise have learned. They were without a doubt my best teachers.
Now I’ll take those lessons into a new life, and I feel like joy and happiness are just waiting for me to take their hand and walk with me. I, honest to God, finally feel no pain with either of them, nor any longing, or desire. They were part of my life, past tense.
Better things await. I used to say, while waiting for my divorce to finish, my abundance has already been created, it just hasn’t manifested yet. And that’s how I feel now. I can feel joy and happiness in the works, it is manifesting…..slow but sure, every minute it comes clearer into view.
Flying Home
I woke unsettled on my last morning here. My plane leaves at 10:45. I am usually unsettled when I travel, so I’m not surprised. I think there’s something just non-sensical about flying from Sarasota FL to Chicago IL to Hartford CT in 7 hours in a large heavy metal container with 300 other people. I don’t understand the physics of it, but I accept that they are. Yet, I think somewhere deep inside, there is a primal scream, lol, saying “It’s not possible!!”
That being said, I have learned to sleep on a plane quite easily, or read, and I don’t get nervous. I know there is a logical reason.
I once had to fly from Connecticut to Texas, to the funeral of my beautiful niece, who was killed in a car accident while visiting Australia. She was 24. Brilliant, valedictorian of her class, spiritual, funny, OMG, so funny. And beautiful. She was the star of our family, the 2nd of my younger sister’s 5 children. She was, without a doubt, an old soul. We all knew it, her wisdom was far beyond her years.
I flew by myself to Chicago, where I met up with my older sister, brother-in-law and my mother, and we flew together to Dallas. On the first leg, I don’t know if I’ve ever been so sad in my life. My marriage was breaking up, I was broke, (my older sis paid my plane fare), and now I had to face saying goodbye to one of the really most beautiful people I’d ever had in my life. We had a special bond, she and I. Everyone remarked on it.
So, I was looking out the window of the plane. We flew above clouds that whole trip, so it was blue sky above, and white clouds below. Staring out the window, thinking, trying not to cry the whole time. Wondering why this had to happen, why we had to lose her when everything else was already falling apart. Suddenly I saw the shadow of the plane, perfectly, on the clouds. And then I realized the shadow had a rainbow aura all the way around it. It followed us all the way to Chicago, for 1100 miles.
It was one of those signs. I was suddenly not alone, and there was promise. I think now, it was my niece’s way of comforting me, of helping me to get through that sad lonely flight. It was a sign that she was ok, she was around.
I’ve had many times that I’ve felt her energy around me since. Many unique experiences that have let me know she is close by.
I don’t know why I went here this morning, except I am flying to Chicago to get home, which makes no sense to me, but it’s no different than flying to Detroit, to get home on another trip. So far out of the way, but it’s how they do things in that crazy business.
Today I’m flying back to my present life, while I’ve spent the last week beginning to prepare for the future in a big way. I think I’ll be glad to be back to my routine. I’ll be glad to see my son, my cat, sleep in my own bed. I’m going to have to continue the work I’ve done down here in preparing for a move.
The realtor has not gotten back to me since Sunday, I’ve left voicemail, email, and texts with her. She was getting back to me within minutes up until Sunday night when I had some questions about the way a contract needed to be written. Not sure what’s up with that, but if I don’t hear from her today, I’ll call the listing agent on the house, and cut her out of the loop. I’ll meet with my realtor at home next week, finish getting the house ready to put on the market, get the pictures taken, get it listed by the end of the month.
I do know if the house I like doesn’t become mine, it’s because the Universe has something better in mind for me. Just staying in the flow, taking one thing at a time as it presents itself. Looking at the entire process at once can terrify me, it seems like such a huge undertaking for a single 65 year old woman.
My thoughts of S are far from where they were at the beach yesterday. I’m not feeling badly about him at the moment, just not feeling much at all. He still can get on my mind, but I think that the walk on the beach was very instrumental in the letting go process. Not feeling an attachment at the moment, and that’s a good thing. Making room for new things, letting go of those things which don’t bring me any happiness, or add to my life in any way except negatively.
My sis and I drove down at the last minute last night to see the sunset over the Gulf of Mexico. There apparently wasn’t one, lol. There were clouds all through the horizon, covering the sun on it’s way west. But still I got the picture above, which was kind of mystically cool, as it was hazy, and tinted light pink anyway. I think the ocean is just good subject matter, lol. It is such a metaphor for our emotions. I hope you all enjoy it.
Life is good. I’ll be back tonight, from the comfort of my family room at home.
Love and light, all.
Exorcising The Ghosts
I took a walk on the beach alone this morning. I have only been twice now, because I was gone for the weekend. My sis went with me last time. It seemed I had some emotional processing to do, when I got there.
It was low tide. My head kept echoing “Low Tie…..” Which was what S always called it, from his days fishing.
I had a hard time silencing his voice in my head. I took pictures, of waves breaking on the sand bars. Of the waves breaking on the shore, leaving shells, broken sand dollars, pieces of coral and coquina. I took this picture, and also a video, which I can’t seem to get to transfer here..
I kept wanting to send the video to him, with the sound of the waves breaking, and just say, “Lo Tie….” He would have appreciated it I think. At least for a moment, before he deleted it.
I walked along the dunes, remembering last March, when I was there. We had broken up, because of the prison whore. I had been seeing Addison. S was working all his magic on me, while I was gone, to take me back from Addie. I was walking on the beach, I was talking to him, I was falling so in love with him again, missing him so much. He was sweet, contrite, he wanted me. There was no her, there was nothing but he and I. Addie….loved me, like crazy. But I never stopped loving S.
We planned for S to come over the night after I got back. To talk, to see if we could repair the damage that had been done by the prison whore episode. But in my head, I already knew who it was that I wanted to be with.
Addison was picking me up at the airport at midnight. He had my car, there was no way around it. He expected to spend the night with me. “Please don’t sleep with him Deb.” “I won’t have sex, S. He’ll just sleep there, it’s going to be late.” “Even sleeping together is intimate….”
I knew it was, I knew that it wasn’t fair to Addie to sleep with him when my head and heart were with S. I really didn’t want to either. I knew I had to tell him on the ride home from the airport. I was dreading breaking that sweet man’s heart.
God that was a hard beach walk. I guess there were a few ghosts here anyway, even though he never came here with me.
Anyway, I was overcome with the desire to communicate with him, and of course. I mean how could I remember all that and not want to just say hi. Just let him know that I was thinking kindly of him after all that ugliness last week.
I tried to send him the video, just as I’d imagined.
I say tried, because it couldn’t be delivered. The cell reception here was not good enough.
I let it go. I just acknowledged, it wasn’t supposed to go.
And I thought, “thank you universe, for watching out for me.” Because no good would have come from sending it, from opening the communication back up. None.
I said to myself, well, last year you were here, falling in love with him all over again. This year you are here, letting him go again.
The breeze blew gently, blew my hair off my neck, the sun shone on my face, the sand was soft, the sky was blue, and I turned to walk back to the bank of cubbies that are there to hold your flip-flops when you walk on the sand.
By the time I got there, I was just so grateful it didn’t get sent. I didn’t want it sent. I would have been horrified with myself if it had gone through. All it would have done, even if there was not response, or even a positive one, would have been to reconnect all the connections I have tried so hard to break. I would have undone weeks, months worth of work.
I had thought, while doing it, that I might unblock his phone. I hadn’t decided yet. When I got my flip-flops back, I sat on the bench nearby to dust the sand off my feet. I looked at my phone, and deleted the text to him. I put my flip-flops on and began the walk home, 2 blocks. Grateful, ever so grateful, that the universe stopped me from doing something that would have damaged my psyche again, and set me back so far. That would have in the end caused me more pain that I already have around that man.
I was able to remember his callousness. The way he now tried to negate memories like that one. His last advice, “why don’t you focus on finding Mr. right?” As if, as if, you can just stop loving someone you love and replace him with another. He of all people should know. It was a stupid thing for him to say. “I’m sorry” might have been better. I know what a shit he is. I know how unreliable, how self-absorbed, how disingenuous he is. I know he uses people, and makes the wrong decisions all the time. I know all his bad traits.
Just, today, I remembered “low tie” and “high tie” and those moments when he wouldn’t be any of that shitty stuff, and how he could make me feel like he loved me. Those times when the light I always saw would break through, and blind me from its pure beauty.
But I made it through, by the grace of God, back to myself, back to my path, away from that pain. Away from all the craziness, the chaos, the mixed signals, the drama. Away from him and the darkness he spread into my life.
I made it.
Sacred Sunrise
I woke at 5 am this morning, listening to the peacocks behind the house with their loud cawing. It was first I’d heard them, and I smiled, knowing “I’m in Florida now for sure.” Not that there are peacocks everywhere in Florida, but they seem to flourish in this old historic neighborhood.
I had plenty of time to get to the town dock for the sunrise. There were 5 or 6 of us this morning, and it didn’t disappoint. The sky was glowing pink when I left my house for the 3 minute walk to the dock. It was breathtaking. I got a couple of shots.
Then as it came up over the horizon, due to the cloud cover it was a perfect, well-defined golden orb, not unlike a full moon.
It felt like a sacred experience, for a few moments. I thought about how every incident in my life brought me to this place at this time. I’m grateful for it all. Even the last few days, as unpleasant as they were, gave me clarity, and definition. About what I want, what I want to attract into my life, and what I want to let go of and never experience again. A new day dawns, ripe and ready for all the good things in life to come a little closer to us all, if we allow it in.
I know that still, everyone does the best from the level of consciousness that they are in at the time. I have been frustrated and angry that my life, my history, my memories have been toyed with by someone else, for purely egoic reasons. And denied, to please the one with the big ego. It is dysfunction at it’s highest. I allowed it to wrap around my level for a time, and bring it down. I have let go, unwrapped it, cut the cords binding it, and rise again.
I still have to recognize that that’s where they are, and that I can’t expect more, nor stay angry about it. It’s done, it won’t happen again. I feel like I was a distraction to them, that they could agree on. Like Brene Brown calls it “common enemy bonding.” It’s not real, it’s not lasting. There are still lies that haven’t surfaced, but they just don’t matter now. Who cares? The issue with the lies is between them, I am removed from it, thankfully. I always say the truth will float to the top at some point. My life moves on, theirs does too, and how that story ends is anyone’s guess, and I’ll never know. Nor will I care. I don’t know that I’ve gotten to a state of forgiveness over it yet, it’s a little fresh, but I know I’ll get there. I work at that, it’s something I want to achieve, so I can go on without holding onto the anger and negative emotions of a past which really has no bearing on me or my life now.
I’m going to my high school friend’s today for a couple of nights. I’m so excited. We don’t know what we’re going to do, but I know we’ll have fun. I know even though we haven’t seen each other for a couple of years, we will fall in like we were never apart. These girls know how to laugh, and love and have a great time, and bring in the goodness of life. WE’ve been friends since we were 13 or 14. It is going to be a welcome change, as it has been with my sister here.
It’s all been exactly what I needed. I’m looking out my sis’s window, at the bouganvilla cascading from an old intricately woven tree stump. And reminded how much beauty is in the world, and that that’s what I want to focus on now.
Life is good. Really, it is. Love and light. And laughter.
Sunrise Thoughts
I walked out the door at 6:30 this morning to go to the town dock, about a half a block from my sister’s house to watch the sunrise. I’d only been up a bit, but I could see the sky turning pink over that way, so got dressed, made coffee and off I went.
There was a southeast breeze blowing off the water, and about 65°F, so I was glad I put a light sweater on. Sunrise was supposed to be 6:45, and normally there are 4 or 5 people there already by 15 minutes before. Neighbors, and as much as I’ve been down here, I know quite a few. However, this morning it was just me.
The pink was already leaving the sky when I got there, but it was still beautiful. I sat on the bench, and closed by eyes, breathing in the balmy salt air breeze, loving the dawn of a new day. (I am such a morning person.) Looking at the boats in the harbor, some on moorings, some anchored out with their dinghies tied to the stern, knowing they were on board, waking up to the rocking of the boat in the gentle waves. I remembered feeling that many many times, and missed it. There’s nothing like waking up on the water, or going to sleep to that same effect either for that matter. I used to sleep better on our boat than anywhere else.
I opened my email, there was an email from B. It was kind, articulate, acknowledging my feelings and relationship with S. I believe she wants to put all the unkindness away, as I do. I would have liked S to be the one to stand up and say what B did, but he’s who he is, this is a way for him to get someone else to say it for him, so he doesn’t have to acknowledge personally what he said, and did that was so untrue. But I’m letting it go. My life is so moving on and away from all of that. I have no pangs of regret for it, but it is so clearly not what I want in my life. I cant imagine being in a relationship with someone like him, never being able to trust him, always having to play detective, always needing to verify everything he told me, and dig out the whole truth. I wish her luck, I really do, because she has so much of her life invested in him. It was a lesson, a rung on the ladder of my evolution, to know him and to love him. And now I continue up the ladder.
So, on the balmy sea breeze, I just let it go. There will probably be more to let go, but it’s all flowing away easily at the moment. I’ve learned what I needed to learn. I’m glad I did what I did in January, to complete that lesson. It was good for me, and caused no pain for me, because I never got reattached. I saw reality. I think too, that in the end, it was good for B too, to see the way he actually is, that he could say one thing to her, making her believe he was in so much pain, and actually running to another woman’s bed instead of dealing with the behavior that broke her heart in to a million pieces. For me, seeing that reality makes it easier to let go. I can only hope when her heart is put back together, it is stronger than it was.
As soon as I was done responding to her, a man came and sat down on the other bench with his cup of coffee, and struck up a conversation. He had an Irish type of brogue, I asked him where he was from (because most people you meet here are not from here, lol.) He was from Thunder Bay Canada. I have met so many Canadian people between last night at the art show and now him. Like maybe 4 or 5 new people, friends of my sis, all from Canada. We talked a bit, about the area, and the mornings, and the sunrise. A very nice man. We walked back down the dock in conversation, and I found out he’s renting the upper floor of the house across the street from my sis’s house. He’s been renting it for 6 or 7 years now in the winter. We joked about why everyone in the world isn’t in Florida for the winter, lol. I said, well I soon hope to be. He asked about winter in CT, and I told him about the 4 ft of snow we got one night 2 years ago, lol. We agreed that the sunrise is a perfect way to start the day.
It was so pleasant, just to have a normal conversation with a man on my own. Kind of like a gift from the Universe, saying see what will happen when you have let all that other stuff flow out of you, and away on the breeze? Feeling so much like this place is exactly where I need to be.
So, I’m posting a couple pics of the sunrise. The one at the top was just before. The one at the bottom is just after. It was just an average, maybe even below average, but still just lovely. Love and light all.
On Being Half-Dead
This poster was hanging from the ceiling of the bar I went to Friday night. It’s kind of a western themed bar/cafe. This sign tickled me, lol. I took a picture, but I’m sorry about the quality. I had to zoom in to make it legible, and it lost a lot of definition in doing that.
It made me think about how people walk around so unaware of the beauty and possibilities that life has. If you’re walking around half-dead, then you can choose to be buried, quite inexpensively! Or, you can choose to breathe in life, and rise. There is always another choice. As long as we breathe, there is another possibility.
There are thousands of them actually.
How do we choose? It’s so easy to make the wrong decision, and end up far from where we want to be.
I think first, you have to believe that inside of you, and every sentient being, there is a center, connected to the One Thing, borne of the unconditional love of the universe. Even if you don’t feel it at the moment, believe it is there. That’s the beginning.
And then, trust your gut. Trust your third eye. Trust your intuition. Trust the way a choice makes you feel. Don’t think about it, FEEL it. Feel what is right for you. And trust that. It may seem harder. It may seem unreasonable. It may seem stupid.
People asked me why I would even want to talk to S, let alone be with him after what he did, last summer and fall. But I trusted my gut. There was something else I needed to know, to learn from one last go-round with him.
I don’t regret it. I learned what I needed to. And it allowed me to have clarity and let go.
I am trusting my gut on this move to Florida. I am terrified, if I think about it. Overwhelmed. The logistics alone, of getting the house ready for sale, selling it, retiring, getting my house packed up and moving to a new place where I know 3 people well, 1500 miles from the place where I am comfortable every day of my life, all by myself? It seems crazy.
I trust my gut, that it is absolutely the right thing for me to do. And I move ahead.
I got through my long contentious divorce, trusting my gut, going with the flow. It’s how I freed my son, just listening to that inner voice. Making choices that absolutely freaked my attorney out, and proved to be the exact right thing to do.
Sometimes, it requires stillness. Sometimes you need to sit somewhere, and just clear your head and let the energy of the Universe fill you, and guide you. Giving yourself a few minutes of stillness every day can give you the space to just know.
If you make a mistake, so what? There is always a way back, or another path you can choose to get where you want to be. If you know where it is you really want to be.
Sometimes we think want to be with a specific person, that we won’t be happy unless we are. We make a mistake that sends that person packing, never to be seen again. Is that cause to lay down and die? To spring for the $22.95 and get ourselves buried?
What did we really want? What were we expecting to feel when we were with them? Can we just realize that what we wanted them to fulfill in us, can be fulfilled in another way? By ourselves, by our passions, or by finding someone else? Was the mistake that we made a mistake? Or just, a lesson, a signpost to point us in another direction, towards more personal fulfillment?
Thousands of choices. Every step is a choice. If you run into a wall, change your course. Find a way around it. Even the great wall of China has a beginning and an end.
Why waste a lifetime walking around half-dead?
Solitary Thoughts on Revenge, Truth, Happiness, and Love
I was alone all day today, after my son went to work around noon. I was going to take a walk with a friend from my book club, but after I grocery shopped I was exhausted. I suppose because I only got about 4 hours sleep last night, and worked around the house changing sheets, doing laundry, cleaning windows, until I went to the store. So, I didn’t go for the walk.
I had a text conversation with the new guy from a dating site, and it went nowhere. Boring, lol. Might have been a scammer, Idk. But when he asked what I wanted in a man, I said, “Hmmm, funny, interesting, creative, maybe slightly outside the box like me. Someone I feel a connection with.” And that was the last I heard from him, lol. Literally. Not, “well it’s been nice talking to you”, nothing. Just disappeared. I wasn’t interested at all, so didn’t follow it up. Boring. Self absorbed.
I had asked him why he was single. Was he divorced, or widowed? He said, “Didn’t you read that in my profile?” Well, if I did I forgot….. Geezus, I didn’t memorize it! So when he asked me what I wanted in a man, I said, in the middle of the description, “This is all in my profile too, lol.” Trying to make him look at himself. Apparently, he didn’t like me or me throwing his words back at him.
God I can’t put up with crap, at all, any more. Geezus. Be real.
When I said it, what I wanted in a man, I was actually describing all the things I loved about S. Too bad he balances it with all lies, deception, unhealthy living, not being able to stand in his story, not being able to own his actions. And casting blame all around him rather than look it in the eye and deal with it. Too bad he can’t recognize and accept love, given to him just because he was. Too bad he had to assign motive to it. Well, there was a motive, then. To help him to be happy. That was all. I already was, am. I loved him enough, just to want him to be.
I doubt that he is, happy. I doubt he has what he wants, and I doubt he even knows what that is. I don’t think it’s what he professed it to be, or his behavior would have been different. He had some pie in the sky thing that was going to make him happy, but it wouldn’t have. Sooner or later he would have fucked it up again. Because he couldn’t/can’t be happy on his own. He couldn’t/can’t love himself. Neither she nor I, nor both of us together at the same time, could love him enough for him to love himself. No matter if we both loved him with every fiber of our being. It would never have been enough.
It makes me hurt for him. But it doesn’t make me want to unblock him on my phone. I can’t do it again with him. Even if that’s not on the table, I have no way of knowing, and I am not going to take the chance.
I talked on the phone to Montana, my friend who lives up there, this afternoon for about an hour, maybe longer. That was nice. She had me google these Arched Cabins. They are pretty cool, I gotta say, and inexpensive. We talked about books, about dating, about our men or lack of, about our abusive ex’s, our kids. Covered a lot of ground, lol.
But then I was alone again. I have to stay busy when I’m alone, that’s when it would be easiest to crack the door open to S again. Just unblock him to see if he tried to reach me. Or just leave him a message. Or an email. Or a text, to see if he’d answer. Or carry on a conversation with him in my head that I will never have. It’s when I’m home, and alone, especially if I’m tired, that he starts creeping into my psyche again.
So, I vacuumed. I washed the floors. I made some buffalo wings. I cut up some fruit. I fell asleep for about 20 minutes on the couch.
Now I’m watching Wild, which was such a wonderful book, and the movie is very true to the book. I’ve seen her, Cheryl Strayed, many times, mostly on OWN. She is one amazing woman.
She undertook walking the PCT (Pacific Crest Trail, the west coast equivalent of The Appalachian Trail on the east coast) because her life was a mess. She ruined her marriage cheating on her husband with anyone she met. She was a heroin addict for quite a while. So she walked this trail, by herself, about 2000 miles. She ended it a different person than she began.
I hope S can find his PCT, his journey out of the darkness. It’s my most sincere hope for him.
I know he thinks I posted the truth about our January together as revenge to him for saying he didn’t want me at his house. But it wasn’t revenge. It was for her, it was all for her, so she would know the truth he would never tell her. So she could decide, with all the facts in her hand, whether or not she really wanted to be with him or not. Maybe she did, maybe they reached some common ground. Maybe she walked away forever. Maybe she’s still stuck in limbo, loving a man who would screw her over because he has no center, no ability to make a good decision. No comprehension of right and wrong. Loving a man who will always pick immediate gratification over the long term repercussions. He’ll always deal with those if and when they show up.
I know she loved him. I know I loved him. Like I said before, it would never matter how much someone loved him. Until he can find his own light, and let it shine, no one can love him enough.
So I posted it for her. It had nothing to do with him. It was for her, I hoped she’d read it, and at least know the truth. I knew it would hurt. But not as much as finding out you’ve made a decision based on the lie that poured out of the mouth of someone you loved and wanted to trust. My mistake was thinking that love and trust went hand in hand. They should, but they don’t. Or didn’t, in this case.
He said all the right things to me during that short time. About changing, about living honestly. He confided many things to me that he had not before. I really had hope for him. Then the moment he was under pressure, he defaulted back to that underhanded man who can’t own his actions, who can’t stand in his story, who has to not be at fault for a situation he created.
And I knew then, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I couldn’t have him in my life, no matter how much I loved him and wanted his happiness. I knew that at the end of the day, there would never be anything but endless pain for me if he was in my life.
It was small, compared to the betrayal of last summer. But it was the confirmation I needed. I needed to see if his words were real, or contrived to keep me in his bed, while he pulled himself together and figured out how to get her back. I got my answer. She told me, he can’t stand to be alone.
I don’t know if he is alone now or not. I am, but I’m ok with it. I can make myself happy. I have a rich full life without a man. Friends that call, that will go out with me. Things to do, things for which I have passion. I feel like I have a place in the world that I’m comfortable with.
I wish him well. I hope he finds some happiness, true, real happiness within himself before he dies. I hope she is well. I hope her heart is healing, and isn’t broken again. She’s still showing up on my FB page, I like to think that’s because we are friends on another level.
I suppose, considering the connection that I have always believed S and I have, that he and I are friends on some other level too.
So this blog has stretched out, lol. I guess I had a lot on my mind. Hope everyone has a nice evening. Or whatever it is, wherever you are. Love and light.
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