The space between the words
Is the place we find our soul.
Stillness is required.
Category Archives: Accountablity
Haiku NO. 11: Peace
The spirit breathes me.
There is nothing wrong with me.
Peace comes in heartbeats.
Exorcising The Ghosts
I took a walk on the beach alone this morning. I have only been twice now, because I was gone for the weekend. My sis went with me last time. It seemed I had some emotional processing to do, when I got there.
It was low tide. My head kept echoing “Low Tie…..” Which was what S always called it, from his days fishing.
I had a hard time silencing his voice in my head. I took pictures, of waves breaking on the sand bars. Of the waves breaking on the shore, leaving shells, broken sand dollars, pieces of coral and coquina. I took this picture, and also a video, which I can’t seem to get to transfer here..
I kept wanting to send the video to him, with the sound of the waves breaking, and just say, “Lo Tie….” He would have appreciated it I think. At least for a moment, before he deleted it.
I walked along the dunes, remembering last March, when I was there. We had broken up, because of the prison whore. I had been seeing Addison. S was working all his magic on me, while I was gone, to take me back from Addie. I was walking on the beach, I was talking to him, I was falling so in love with him again, missing him so much. He was sweet, contrite, he wanted me. There was no her, there was nothing but he and I. Addie….loved me, like crazy. But I never stopped loving S.
We planned for S to come over the night after I got back. To talk, to see if we could repair the damage that had been done by the prison whore episode. But in my head, I already knew who it was that I wanted to be with.
Addison was picking me up at the airport at midnight. He had my car, there was no way around it. He expected to spend the night with me. “Please don’t sleep with him Deb.” “I won’t have sex, S. He’ll just sleep there, it’s going to be late.” “Even sleeping together is intimate….”
I knew it was, I knew that it wasn’t fair to Addie to sleep with him when my head and heart were with S. I really didn’t want to either. I knew I had to tell him on the ride home from the airport. I was dreading breaking that sweet man’s heart.
God that was a hard beach walk. I guess there were a few ghosts here anyway, even though he never came here with me.
Anyway, I was overcome with the desire to communicate with him, and of course. I mean how could I remember all that and not want to just say hi. Just let him know that I was thinking kindly of him after all that ugliness last week.
I tried to send him the video, just as I’d imagined.
I say tried, because it couldn’t be delivered. The cell reception here was not good enough.
I let it go. I just acknowledged, it wasn’t supposed to go.
And I thought, “thank you universe, for watching out for me.” Because no good would have come from sending it, from opening the communication back up. None.
I said to myself, well, last year you were here, falling in love with him all over again. This year you are here, letting him go again.
The breeze blew gently, blew my hair off my neck, the sun shone on my face, the sand was soft, the sky was blue, and I turned to walk back to the bank of cubbies that are there to hold your flip-flops when you walk on the sand.
By the time I got there, I was just so grateful it didn’t get sent. I didn’t want it sent. I would have been horrified with myself if it had gone through. All it would have done, even if there was not response, or even a positive one, would have been to reconnect all the connections I have tried so hard to break. I would have undone weeks, months worth of work.
I had thought, while doing it, that I might unblock his phone. I hadn’t decided yet. When I got my flip-flops back, I sat on the bench nearby to dust the sand off my feet. I looked at my phone, and deleted the text to him. I put my flip-flops on and began the walk home, 2 blocks. Grateful, ever so grateful, that the universe stopped me from doing something that would have damaged my psyche again, and set me back so far. That would have in the end caused me more pain that I already have around that man.
I was able to remember his callousness. The way he now tried to negate memories like that one. His last advice, “why don’t you focus on finding Mr. right?” As if, as if, you can just stop loving someone you love and replace him with another. He of all people should know. It was a stupid thing for him to say. “I’m sorry” might have been better. I know what a shit he is. I know how unreliable, how self-absorbed, how disingenuous he is. I know he uses people, and makes the wrong decisions all the time. I know all his bad traits.
Just, today, I remembered “low tie” and “high tie” and those moments when he wouldn’t be any of that shitty stuff, and how he could make me feel like he loved me. Those times when the light I always saw would break through, and blind me from its pure beauty.
But I made it through, by the grace of God, back to myself, back to my path, away from that pain. Away from all the craziness, the chaos, the mixed signals, the drama. Away from him and the darkness he spread into my life.
I made it.
WWYD? (What would you do?)
What would you do?
If someone you used to love, told their ex-not-quite-current girlfriend (I don’t know what her status is at the moment.) that the only reason they asked you over for the weekend was for the sex? Because she found out and was hurt, and he couldn’t stand up and own that what happened, happened because he wanted it to?
What if you found out this, in a round about way, from the ex-not-quite-current girlfriend, who was just trying to make sense of what happened to her?
What if, this ex-lover denied and betrayed you to her over and over, and had done the same to you, with her, up until recently? And what if, that whole weekend you’d been trying to help him, while your heart broke, to find a way back to her, because that’s what would make him happy.
What would you do?
Well, I wrote them both an email. I told the story from my perspective. I told her I was not angry at her, it was just a lie that she believed. I was angry at him, for minimalizing and marginalizing our relationship. I made it clear what I believed to be the truth and why.
I am a lover of the truth. I need it out on the table, I need to see it all, I need to allow people to draw their own conclusions from what IS, not what one person wants it to be to assuage their guilt.
What happens now, is what happens. Probably nothing. I hope she’ll forgive him for caring for someone when she was out of the picture, and even when she was in it. Emotions don’t die, but he chose her, and I have to live with that, and can, and I am. I believe he still cares, and feels bad that he’s done it to me again, but didn’t see another way to heal the rift with her, than telling yet another tale
But that’s the problem for me. I mean I’m the loser here. But I won’t live with him lying about who I was to him, and who he was to me, for a short time. I won’t be turned into some bimbo who fucked a man who didn’t give a shit about her. For God’s sake. I don’t regret a minute of of any of the time I ever spent with him, I am not ashamed or embarrassed by anything I ever did with him. I’m sorry it hurt her, and I’m sure she probably feels the same about me now, because she’s a kind person.
It’s over now, I want to let it go. I want to keep the memories I have, unflawed by his lies, his spinning of the truth into something other than it was. I just want to be perceived as someone who loved him, and someone he cared for. And then I want to find someone who can love me the way I can love.
He’ll never be able to love anyone that way. But I know there are other people, men, who can. He was good practice for me. I learned what I want, and what I don’t, in a man.
I want someone who I can trust. Someone whose light doesn’t come on once in a while and shine so brightly that it hurts your eyes because they are so accustomed to the darkness. I want someone whose light illuminates my path, and whose path I can illuminate, and we can keep each other from falling into the pitfalls because we have so much light.
So, what would you do? Did I over-react? Or was it appropriate and necessary? I’d love your thoughts.
Solitary Thoughts on Revenge, Truth, Happiness, and Love
I was alone all day today, after my son went to work around noon. I was going to take a walk with a friend from my book club, but after I grocery shopped I was exhausted. I suppose because I only got about 4 hours sleep last night, and worked around the house changing sheets, doing laundry, cleaning windows, until I went to the store. So, I didn’t go for the walk.
I had a text conversation with the new guy from a dating site, and it went nowhere. Boring, lol. Might have been a scammer, Idk. But when he asked what I wanted in a man, I said, “Hmmm, funny, interesting, creative, maybe slightly outside the box like me. Someone I feel a connection with.” And that was the last I heard from him, lol. Literally. Not, “well it’s been nice talking to you”, nothing. Just disappeared. I wasn’t interested at all, so didn’t follow it up. Boring. Self absorbed.
I had asked him why he was single. Was he divorced, or widowed? He said, “Didn’t you read that in my profile?” Well, if I did I forgot….. Geezus, I didn’t memorize it! So when he asked me what I wanted in a man, I said, in the middle of the description, “This is all in my profile too, lol.” Trying to make him look at himself. Apparently, he didn’t like me or me throwing his words back at him.
God I can’t put up with crap, at all, any more. Geezus. Be real.
When I said it, what I wanted in a man, I was actually describing all the things I loved about S. Too bad he balances it with all lies, deception, unhealthy living, not being able to stand in his story, not being able to own his actions. And casting blame all around him rather than look it in the eye and deal with it. Too bad he can’t recognize and accept love, given to him just because he was. Too bad he had to assign motive to it. Well, there was a motive, then. To help him to be happy. That was all. I already was, am. I loved him enough, just to want him to be.
I doubt that he is, happy. I doubt he has what he wants, and I doubt he even knows what that is. I don’t think it’s what he professed it to be, or his behavior would have been different. He had some pie in the sky thing that was going to make him happy, but it wouldn’t have. Sooner or later he would have fucked it up again. Because he couldn’t/can’t be happy on his own. He couldn’t/can’t love himself. Neither she nor I, nor both of us together at the same time, could love him enough for him to love himself. No matter if we both loved him with every fiber of our being. It would never have been enough.
It makes me hurt for him. But it doesn’t make me want to unblock him on my phone. I can’t do it again with him. Even if that’s not on the table, I have no way of knowing, and I am not going to take the chance.
I talked on the phone to Montana, my friend who lives up there, this afternoon for about an hour, maybe longer. That was nice. She had me google these Arched Cabins. They are pretty cool, I gotta say, and inexpensive. We talked about books, about dating, about our men or lack of, about our abusive ex’s, our kids. Covered a lot of ground, lol.
But then I was alone again. I have to stay busy when I’m alone, that’s when it would be easiest to crack the door open to S again. Just unblock him to see if he tried to reach me. Or just leave him a message. Or an email. Or a text, to see if he’d answer. Or carry on a conversation with him in my head that I will never have. It’s when I’m home, and alone, especially if I’m tired, that he starts creeping into my psyche again.
So, I vacuumed. I washed the floors. I made some buffalo wings. I cut up some fruit. I fell asleep for about 20 minutes on the couch.
Now I’m watching Wild, which was such a wonderful book, and the movie is very true to the book. I’ve seen her, Cheryl Strayed, many times, mostly on OWN. She is one amazing woman.
She undertook walking the PCT (Pacific Crest Trail, the west coast equivalent of The Appalachian Trail on the east coast) because her life was a mess. She ruined her marriage cheating on her husband with anyone she met. She was a heroin addict for quite a while. So she walked this trail, by herself, about 2000 miles. She ended it a different person than she began.
I hope S can find his PCT, his journey out of the darkness. It’s my most sincere hope for him.
I know he thinks I posted the truth about our January together as revenge to him for saying he didn’t want me at his house. But it wasn’t revenge. It was for her, it was all for her, so she would know the truth he would never tell her. So she could decide, with all the facts in her hand, whether or not she really wanted to be with him or not. Maybe she did, maybe they reached some common ground. Maybe she walked away forever. Maybe she’s still stuck in limbo, loving a man who would screw her over because he has no center, no ability to make a good decision. No comprehension of right and wrong. Loving a man who will always pick immediate gratification over the long term repercussions. He’ll always deal with those if and when they show up.
I know she loved him. I know I loved him. Like I said before, it would never matter how much someone loved him. Until he can find his own light, and let it shine, no one can love him enough.
So I posted it for her. It had nothing to do with him. It was for her, I hoped she’d read it, and at least know the truth. I knew it would hurt. But not as much as finding out you’ve made a decision based on the lie that poured out of the mouth of someone you loved and wanted to trust. My mistake was thinking that love and trust went hand in hand. They should, but they don’t. Or didn’t, in this case.
He said all the right things to me during that short time. About changing, about living honestly. He confided many things to me that he had not before. I really had hope for him. Then the moment he was under pressure, he defaulted back to that underhanded man who can’t own his actions, who can’t stand in his story, who has to not be at fault for a situation he created.
And I knew then, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I couldn’t have him in my life, no matter how much I loved him and wanted his happiness. I knew that at the end of the day, there would never be anything but endless pain for me if he was in my life.
It was small, compared to the betrayal of last summer. But it was the confirmation I needed. I needed to see if his words were real, or contrived to keep me in his bed, while he pulled himself together and figured out how to get her back. I got my answer. She told me, he can’t stand to be alone.
I don’t know if he is alone now or not. I am, but I’m ok with it. I can make myself happy. I have a rich full life without a man. Friends that call, that will go out with me. Things to do, things for which I have passion. I feel like I have a place in the world that I’m comfortable with.
I wish him well. I hope he finds some happiness, true, real happiness within himself before he dies. I hope she is well. I hope her heart is healing, and isn’t broken again. She’s still showing up on my FB page, I like to think that’s because we are friends on another level.
I suppose, considering the connection that I have always believed S and I have, that he and I are friends on some other level too.
So this blog has stretched out, lol. I guess I had a lot on my mind. Hope everyone has a nice evening. Or whatever it is, wherever you are. Love and light.
The Tale of the Pendulum
I have a couple of crystal pendulums. For those who don’t know what they are, they are a pointed crystal, attached to a chain usually. You hold the end of the chain in your dominant hand, and place it about 2 or 3 inches above the open palm of your non-dominant hand. You can ask it questions and it will move one direction for yes, and a different one for no.
I have two of these. When you get them they should be cleansed of anyone else’s energy that has handled them, which can be done with white sage smoke. Or putting them outside under the full moon, but then you usually have to wait, lol. Salt is also cleansing.
The crystal gets a vibration from your higher self, which is connecting to the universe, and thus, higher energy. It will answer yes and no questions. It’s not, obviously, fool-proof. But it is uncanny how often in my life it’s given me the right answer. I also use it doing Reiki, just to verify that energy is flowing.
The first time you use it after it’s cleansed, you ask it to show you yes and then no. It can be a different for each person, and each crystal, although both of mine swing back and forth in a straight line for yes, and in a clockwise circle for no.
I try to clear my head before I use one by getting into a meditative state, trying not to influence the answer I get. I also try to get a few feet away from any electronics.
Usually if I ask it a question, it goes very still at first. One of my pendulums is a clear faceted quartz pendulum, and I can see it suddenly start vibrating at a very fast rate, which is only visible because of the way the light reflects in the facets. Then it will suddenly start swinging or circling.
Sometimes it hangs really still for a long time, as if it can’t find the vibe. I then try to visualize the person’s face I’m asking about, and where they are at the time, even their address. Usually by the time I open my eyes again, it is swinging one way or the other.
When I got the vibe yesterday about S not being well, I waited and asked it when I got home. I wanted to get away from the influence of the day’s crazy energy. The answer was that he was not well, which just verified what my gut was screaming at me. I looked at the email I had drafted. It gave up nothing, except to tell him what I felt. It also told him I hoped he was well and able to deal with all that had happened. And all that is true. But I wanted nor needed any response from him. He knows I am usually right when I have these strong connections. But honestly with his health history I felt, really, that I should at least tell him. So I sent it late last night. There has been no answer. Which is fine. I don’t need one.
Before anyone gets all up in arms that I would contact him, understand that I am way over the heartbreak. Even if I miss him, I know that what I miss isn’t who he is now, and it doesn’t upset me. His making me laugh is really just a good memory. I have an ability to talk to anyone, at any time. I can put him in his proper place in my life. I don’t regret the way I loved him, I don’t love him that way now. He’s a wreck, really. He often told me he was still grieving the end of his relationship with Betty, but he blamed her, not himself. He stopped talking about her about 8 or 9 months into our relationship. Especially when I came back from Florida in March, he said he was open to a relationship, he said everything I had dreamed of hearing. Then a few weeks later she showed up…. but he wouldn’t let me go.
At any rate, I’m over it. I can talk to him, if he felt the need, but I don’t need to talk to him. I just felt that he should know what I felt about his health. Because I can’t help it that I have this connection to him, whatever it is. It doesn’t really feel like I’m tied to him, or corded. Just that I had information that might be good for him to know. That’s it. He has it now, and I can let it go.
I had to learn how to do this with my ex. Four years in court, and a son to deal with. I am able to put whats behind me, behind me.
The pendulum also tells me that she won’t ever forgive him, or take him back. It could be wrong. The pendulum isn’t fool proof. Maybe it’s just reading the energy as it is now. It’s been less than a full month since she found out that the whole time he was with her, he was with me too. I’ve had almost 3 times that long to absorb the loss, although I only found out when she did that he was also with her the last six months that he was with me.
I hope the pendulum and I are wrong about his health. As for Betty, I was just curious. I don’t really care. But I do think he’s cashed in all his trust chips with us both.
The Biggest Fool
Christmas lights twinkle, and I sit here alone again, watching The Voice, my solitude broken by my son’s intermittent energy erupting into the family room. I am ok alone, I always have been.
When I was married, I loved being alone. At least for the last 10 years. To have peace in the house, not to be dealing with the alcoholic temper, not to be worrying at least for a little while, what was going to set him off on one of his crazy tangents.
My ex is in a bed of his own making. Renting the tiny cottage next door to the house we lived in for 30 years, he lived there for almost 40. But it was not too big a change in his address, just one number. One number in his phone number. And he can still look out in the morning and see the lake. I don’t think I could do that, though, see my old house every day that I lost in foreclosure. I’d want to get away. But he never did what one might expect. I’ve known him for 46 years. I’ve seen the changes that took over him little by little, and turned him into someone I just didn’t love anymore. I’m not surprised, but saddened at his state.
It still is hard for me to to reconcile the S of the last 8 months with who I thought he was. I mean, yeah, it’s in my face, and no I don’t want him in any way. Just seems so incongruous. I guess there was always a hint of it, but when he did the prison whore, he couldn’t wait to get it off his chest. He came to my house and stood up and talked about it, which I know was hard for him, until I understood enough of where he was to believe it was an anomaly and let him back into my life.
But this….he just lied and deceived two women who adored him for so long, for so many months. Daily, hourly with me, lies. He knew, he absolutely knew, that we didn’t want any part of a triangle. I guess I shouldn’t speak for Betty, but from all Scott told me, she didn’t. He knew for sure that I didn’t. He once talked about swinging when he was younger… I just looked at him, like how? How did you do that?
He used to say he wasn’t jealous, and if I had sex with someone else he wouldn’t be jealous. Only if I loved someone else. But when I was with A for the short time after the prison whore, and I was coming home from Florida and A was picking me up at the airport, S asked me not to let him sleep with me. And A fully expected to, he was picking me up at midnight. I hadn’t seen Scott in about a month, maybe longer, but I’d thought only about him when I was in Florida. We made plans to get together the day after I came back. I said, we won’t have sex if he does. S said, “sleeping with someone is pretty intimate.” So, he pretended he wasn’t jealous to himself, but it was just a shell. He didn’t want anyone else to be with his woman, whoever it might be. At least, that’s the guy he showed me.
I don’t remember a break in our texting all summer on Saturday nights when he was with B. Not until I knew about her. Then I would hear from him Saturday morning til early afternoon and then Sunday when he was alone. But all summer…I don’t remember thinking where is he, why won’t he answer me, on Saturday night. He must have taken his phone in the bathroom, or waited til Betty was out of the room. We’d be texting and sexting as normal….
Damn, he was good. Gutsy. But in the end, I’m free of him. I had nothing but a heart and soul full of love for him to get out of my system. I mean, no long term plans. Just more desire than I’ve ever had for anyone. Oh he talked about visiting me in Florida, how much he’d like that, but that was bs, just idle talk to draw me in, if he was with her. He couldn’t have taken a week off, lol. I was so angry he wouldn’t go with me in June, after he’d been looking at airfares and making plans. He would say are you still mad about that? “Yes”, I’d say for weeks after. “It was stupid. We could have had so much fun. My sister lives in friggin’ paradise (2 blocks from the gulf, with a fenced in yard with lagoon pool) and it would have cost air fare. We’d have had it alone. Skinny dipping in the pool, walking the beach at night, we could have found a secluded spot to….” And he’d go silent, because he couldn’t tell me the real reason, he thought I’d buy his bullshit story. I never did. But I sure didn’t think he was with her….
She and I will be ok. B is attractive, she will find a man who can be faithful to her. I know right now she thinks she’ll never love again, but she will. I think I can too. I don’t think all that many men in their 60’s are interested in seeing how many women they can have. Most of us are sick to death of games by this age.
Oh well. Don’t know why I’m going here tonight. Just still trying to see the man as he was, trying to put the pieces together still. I don’t know why. It’s simple. He is good at what he does, he fooled me, and he fooled her. I think, in hindsight, he was probably the biggest fool of all though.
Peace out. Love and light to all.
Choices
I had an unusual conversation with A last night. He had taken a “good morning” pic of himself in his bathrobe, and said something like “Good morning sweet Deb” or something, but sent it to the woman who he’s been seeing in Santa Fe by mistake. It was not risque, it’s something he does every day. But, of course, it did not make her happy…..
I felt bad for her, really, and for him. He likes her, and I’m sure it would be hard for her to understand our intimate but non-sexual relationship. I asked him about the other woman up in Michigan, and he said she was off with her “other” boyfriend. He’s thinking he’s not going to try to be monogamous. The woman in Michigan is obviously not, the woman in Santa Fe obviously wants to be, but apparently that picture ended it between them.
I told A I could never NOT be monogamous, I can’t do casual sex. I said, “S would have been happy if I could have done it.” LOL. Personally, I don’t see A as the casual sex type, and in fact, I’m pretty sure if I agreed to have a relationship with him that way, he would be completely faithful to me. I think if he falls in love again, he will be monogamous. I think he’s just craving affection right now, reacting to the fact that I had to shut down the plans to get together over Christmas. I know I broke his tender heart again. I had to be honest. Maybe it was too soon for me, but I think it was just chemistry. I have tried before to feel passion for him, and I sometimes feel it but it never lasts. I want to feel it for someone like I did for S, every day, every moment. I want to be enough for the person I feel like that about, and he will be enough for me.
I don’t want to share, I don’t do it. Don’t want to even know how to do it. S once told me I can change myself so I’m not so jealous. I said, I don’t want to…..I see no benefit in it. S felt every relationship was different, what he had with one person he could never have with another, so he wasn’t sharing. No, except his body. His intimacy. Probably his thoughts and feelings. The things that make a relationship special, and wonderful, to have one person who knows you and cares for you, and has your back.
Nope, not interested in multiple partners.
But the difference between A and S is that A will tell a woman up front, that she is not the only one. He won’t pretend to two women that they are the only ones, and then do what he wants, the way S did. A will give a woman a choice first, if she wants to be with him when he might be with someone else. Neither me or Betty was given that choice, we were taken by deception.
A can stand in his truth and be himself, and own his story. S cannot.
A has never been anything but monogamous. I don’t think this choice will last for him anyway. I think he’s just looking for affection til he finds love.
Interesting, though. To compare A’s telling me this, honestly, and S playing me (and Betty) for the same end. I wish he’d been honest with me. That’s all. So I could have chosen to have done what I did with him, knowing the truth, or chosen not to. But he took my choice away with lies and deception. We cannot even be friends now, the truth would have at least salvaged a friendship. It’s too bad that he chose that road. It’s too bad that he still has not owned it, at least with me.
He will say he has. He said he will pay 5 lifetimes for what he did to me. But that statement is about him….how it affects him. It has nothing to do with acknowledging how it affected me. It is about how he will pay, not about how I already paid the price for loving him so much. He’s sorry because he will have to pay. He’s not sorry that I had to deal with lies and betrayal by someone I completely adored. He can’t feel my pain, he can only feel his own. I would guess he feels his own pain with Betty too, but I doubt that he can feel the real pain that he caused her with is lies and deception too.
I have managed to pick myself up, on my own. To take the hand of the universe, and my friends, and stand back up, dust myself off, bandage and care for my own wounds. S caused utter devastation and walked away from it, uncaring, unfeeling. Truth be told he did that with Betty too. He called her on the phone to tell her, he couldn’t go to her house and face her pain. I told him to go sit with her while she read the hard truths in my letter to her, and face her pain, and deal with it. To let her see him deal with it. But he didn’t. He left her alone, to deal with it by herself, as he did me once the truth came out.
At least he treated us equally.
Any way, my feeling is when you choose not to be monogamous, especially physically, you open the door to pain and hurt. At least, you have to be like A and say it up front, and let someone have free will and choice in whether or not they wish to be with you. I would always choose not to be with someone who was with other women. Always. I should have been given that choice with S.
Tale of Two Men, or , Too Long In the Darkness
One man is mad with power. Unable to feel empathy. Disrespectful of everyone’s wishes, desires, love, care….dishonors everyone, in the pursuit of what he wants. Never accountable for the destruction that he leave behind him with every footstep. Convincingly, he tells people what they want to hear, and when they believe his false story, he uses them to do his bidding. So they will fill his need, his desire. He offers them some future compensation that he knows he will never give them. Pretty soon everything he says is a lie, and darkness surrounds him and follows him and envelops anyone who tries to love him.
One man is vulnerable, sweet, loving, fearless. He feels others pain, more acutely than his own, and is there. Beside them. Wiping their tears, reminding them they have worth. Sees people at their worst and tells them that’s when he loves them the most. He never misses a chance to connect. To be kind. To show his love, even if he knows you don’t feel quite the same. The light follows him everywhere, every word, every breath. If he goes into the dark, he brings the light with him.
With the first man, the love was fire, and now it’s ash. It’s a gray film on the heart, all the loving fire has been dulled, and burned out, burned away. The fire of lies, and deception reduced it all to nothing but powdery ash, waiting for the first rain to wash it into the ground, to begin transformation into something else.
With the he second man, the love was cool, and now it builds. He is easy, his warmth crosses the miles. His unconditional love floats on the breeze and caresses my soul. She thinks, why….do I deserve this? It’s not to ask….
There is no asking, why, for either of them.
One chooses disconnection, disinterest, disharmony, solitary solitude. Why? It’s not to ask, it’s his to tell, if he ever chooses to. Or to hide. Or to hide from.
One chooses love, connection, compassion, kindness richness of life. His light just shines. Why? It’s not to ask. It’s to accept. Why? It’s his to tell if he chooses. Or to live. He doesn’t care why, he just is.
Two men, a perfect dichotomy. Everything one is, the other is not. The ying and the yang, clear in front of me. I rest. Too long in the darkness, I seek the light.
Update
I had emotions today ranging from pure anger at the bold-faced lies I was told, to that feeling of great sorrow for him. It seems that the height and depth of the emotions are evening out. None of them last long anymore. Thought about sending him the song “Forever Young” by Bob Dylan. Because I think at the end of the day that’s what I wish for him. But I ended up on middle ground, knowing that the journey which he needs to take is one he has to embark on himself, and take by himself, and choose by himself, and I need to not add my energy to the mix. He always said to me he’s never been alone, he’s been in relationships for 40 years. He has the opportunity now, to do some real work. I hope it’s what he’ll choose.
It is generally exhausting for me anyway, our connection has always been so strong. I have a couple of crystal pendulums and when I’ve received strong energetic messages from him they have been confirmed for the most part. I am learning to let them come and go. I am trying to pay attention to what I need, and let the rest go. I told him he was dead to me, because I don’t want any on-going communication, and because I can’t take finding out one more untruth. But I think I will always care for the man I loved, the one pre-Betty who was trying to be someone. I will always love the child who steers the riverboat. He was headed for the deep, but now he’s in it, and he has to find his way back alone. I hope he can do it.
learningtolivelikewaterblog.com 
You must be logged in to post a comment.