Category Archives: Gratitide

Some Tough Memories

Posted on by learning to live like water

bad memoris

I’m afraid my last blog brought up a bunch of memories I’d forgotten, or pushed down, last night.  One in particular, was of my son, not long before I left my marriage.  I walked into his room and he had his shirt off, and was bruised all down his left side.  I gasped and asked him what happened.  He said “oh it was at hockey mom.” and went on to make up some story, which I can’t remember, all I can remember is the mass of purple bruises on his chest.  But I believed him, even though he’d never had any thing like that in all his years of playing.  And it didn’t really make sense, when I thought about it later, a hockey player is well padded from head to toe.  But apparently ignorance was bliss at the time, I was planning my escape, I just accepted it.

A couple years later, when he moved in with me, we were talking about his dad, and how he never talked to him, and maybe he should try forgiving him.  I said something to him about his father never hitting him.  He just looked at me.  Then he said quietly, “Mom, remember when you walked in my room and saw those bruises on my chest?”  Of course I did.  He said, “Dad did that.  He didn’t like the way I practiced, so on the way home he was hitting me with his right hand/arm all the way home while he was driving.”

My ex was a big very strong man.  He had arms the size of some people’s thighs.

I thought I would die.  I wanted to crawl in a hole for not figuring that out.  And it was apparently not the only time his father did something like that.  He swore my son to secrecy, somehow.  Threatened him if I ever found out.  Because he knew if I found out I would have had him arrested.  No doubt.

The night before I started my job, my first job outside our family business in 30 years, he started a huge fight with me, I’m sure because he was losing control of me.  He flipped a salad out of my hands so it flew all over the kitchen.  Then he started walking toward me, drunk.  I had my phone in my hand, and I said, “Go ahead, hit me.  I’d really like to see you in jail tonight.”  And he stopped and turned around and walked away.  Because he knew I meant it.  So he knew without a doubt, if I knew he’d hit our son I’d have called the police too.

But the guilt I felt over what he did to my son, on top of all the berating and belittling, trying to break his spirit, stayed with me for so long, and it easily still comes back.  It’s hardest to forgive yourself.  And last night I had to somehow get through that all over again.

I am so grateful and blessed that my son is such a good kid today.  I am so glad that I finally realized I had to get out of there, even though I had to leave him with his father for a time, I got through it, we got through it.  We have dealt together with what our lives were back then, I made him talk about it.

So many people feel like I should make him somehow talk to his father.  I just can’t, no one can understand what that was like for my son, and the fact is, he has a great life now, sans father.  I don’t know that his father could add anything but more chaos to his life.  I leave it up to him to deal with as he sees fit.  He tells me he’s not angry at his father, nor hates him, he just doesn’t want what  his father brings to his life.

So, it was hard to get to sleep last night, remembering this.  Related to that abuse, I guess, in my head, was S’s ease of betrayal of me recently.  Wondering if I’d ever find an honest true loving man.  It all seemed to fall in the same pot of abuse.

This morning, I still believe he’s out there.  I still believe I’ll find him.  The pull to Florida and a new life is strong.

Feeling blessed, that my son is a strong, healthy, wonderful kid.  And that I have a wonderful life now, with all good things in my future.

Love and light, all.

 

Getting to the Other Side

Posted on by learning to live like water

NewLife

I got so much done on my house yesterday.  I think one more weekend and it will at least be ready for these people who are interested to see it.  My son promises to go at his space today, and it’s by far in the worst space in the house.  I just have the bathrooms and the garage to do.   Even if these people don’t end up buying the house, at least it will be ready to put on the market, pretty much, when I get back from Florida.  I will need to paint the deck, but I don’t think I can do that until the days are longer and warmer.  End of April maybe.  I’m going to hire someone to come in and get the yard in good shape, cut back the shrubs, etc.

I had so much fun talking to my friend in Florida last night. Old friends are so wonderful to have.  I haven’t talked to her, except FB messenger, for a long long time, but we know each other so well, we just pick up where we left off.  I just love her to death.  She’s just one of those people who never allows anything to take her joy of living from her.  I can’t wait to see her.  Having her there, where I want to live will be like instant immersion into that life.

Which will move me at light speed  away from this one, lol.  It’s time, really.  Definitely time.  It’s funny, I have had the plan to move to Florida since before I met S.  The relationship with him did not deter it.  It has always been there.  It could have worked out in many different ways, either for us, or for me.  If he had wanted a relationship, and to retire, we could have shared each other’s homes, had a place to go in the winter in Florida, a place here in New England in the summer.  And kept our independence, both owning a home.  We could have just visited each other. It turns out it became my escape route, from the devastation he wrought on my life for a time.  I’m so glad it’s one dream I never gave up.

I think at times, well he wanted a relationship, just not with me.  But then, did he want one with her, really?  If he did, why did he do what he did, knowing it would kill it.  And if it wasn’t dead, then spending January with me, certainly didn’t help breathe life back into it.  It’s not my problem any longer though.  I look so forward to loving a man who knows what he wants, and who doesn’t engage in self-destructive behaviors constantly.  There is another side of life, and I intend to experience it fully. 🙂

Lovely to have slept a good night’s sleep last night.  Today is supposed to be warm, at least warm enough to go to the cove for lunch.  It’s been so long, I am looking forward to it.

Off for my 2nd cup of coffee…..Love and light, all.

 

Sleeping Under My Own Power

Posted on by learning to live like water

Before-I-Sleep

I have discovered a secret to sleeping well, I think.  I suppose it’s not a secret, and well-known by people more enlightened than me.  I’m not, historically a good sleeper.  I used to be, when I was much younger, until I spent years in an abusive marriage.  Being hypervigilant every minute is not good for sleep.

The last few nights I’ve had trouble getting to sleep, or staying asleep.  I’ve resorted to a low dose Ambien a couple times, because I have to have at least 5 hours of sleep to be functional at work for 9 hours.  6 or 7 is better, but 5 is the minimum.  I don’t like doing that, though, and don’t want it to be the habit it was for 6 months, when I had carpal tunnel, and after, when S did his thing to blow my world apart.

Last night, when I shut my light off, I snuggled under my comforter, and began to recite a list of things I was grateful for.  Actually saying, thank you thank you for things like, my warm bed.  My warm house.  Food in my pantry.  My son in his space.  My upcoming trip to Florida.  My sweet cat.  The ability to pay for the muffler that I just had put on the car.  My friends.  That I have two wonderful sisters.  That I had such loving parents.

On and on.

And I slept well, and easily. When I woke at 12:45, I did the same thing, and fell back to sleep easily.  Same when I woke around 3:30

Another benefit was that I woke this morning in a good mood.  I actually woke in a state of happiness, and that’s been a long time coming.  It’s so lovely to wake up and look forward to the day, not to wish I could just stay under the covers for 3 more hours.

Tonight I have gongs again.  Gongs and crystal bowls and drums and bells, I am looking so forward to it.  Always.  It always seems like perfect timing.  Such a good place, a good way, to let go of anything that no longer serves.  If you follow my blog, you know I have plenty of that!

So here’s to letting go of the stuff that keeps us up, and being grateful for the things that make our lives beautiful!  Love and light, all.

Stained Glass Windows

Posted on by learning to live like water

stained glass

My book club is reading Brene Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection this month.  It’s a quick read, and kind of sets the basis for her next two books, Daring Greatly and Rising Strong, which for me had a huge impact on my life.  The quote above was in the book, and I read it last night.

Isn’t this true?  I could go on, about people who never let their light shine, people who want the external light to make them become beautiful, people who don’t believe they even have a light. I have known these people.  But lately, I feel like that has been me.

My light hasn’t been shining lately, from within.  I have been angry, hurt, disappointed, betrayed by the actions of others.  I read this quote and realized I need to stop.  I need to cut the cords (again) that connect me that way.  It’s not the kind of energy I generally like to carry around with me.

Everyone has their own journey, and I know mine doesn’t include constant unhappiness any longer.  No one can be in a constant state of happiness, but I can get back to my overall normal state of being happy,  being grateful for all my blessings, of forgiving and letting go, of seeking the light, not the darkness, and it’s the light within me that I want to pull the layers of darkness off of.

My lesson at the moment, is that when people behave in ways that dim my light, to walk away from them.  To let them go.  There are so many people who are innately unhappy.  I feel for them.  I have had an overabundance of empathy for them, and tried to help them find their way out of the dark.

It’s not my job.  Not to be cold, but to be real, to acknowledge that everyone has their own journey, and I can’t over-invest myself in trying to help those who are determined to live in darkness.  Everyone has a light buried somewhere in there.  They can deny it, they can cover it up, it still burns.  The fact that I could see it and want to see it shine, doesn’t make it my job to uncover it.

Everyone has autonomy over their journey.  We can’t know what anyone’s soul’s journey is, and there is always free will added to the mix.  Everyone has their karmic lessons to learn, and everyone has the choice to learn them or not.

It’s not my job to teach them.  It’s my job to learn my own lessons, and let the light within me radiate out.  If I am to teach them, let it be by example. Rumi says “The wound is where the light enters you.”  Leonard Cohen says, “There is a crack in everything.  That’s how the light gets in.”  I think I’ve been wounded again recently, that cracks have been reopened.  But I hope now, that enough light has gotten in, that I can continue my journey back to source.  I wish those well, who still cover their light.  My journey takes me away from them, from that sadness and pain.

As usual, my prayer is that the Universe work it all out for the highest good of all.  Love and light to all.

 

 

Stepping Away From The Edge This Morning

Posted on by learning to live like water

stay away from the edge

The edge is off this morning.  I slept fairly well, without any help from Ambien, though I did have my weird drink which may have helped.  It’s a new day.  A COLD one, and it’s snowing again.  Which makes it every day this week, 4 days, it has snowed.  Thankfully not a lot.  But it gets old, just like when it rains all week.  They say this weekend it won’t snow, but the overnight lows will be -2°F.  That’s frigging cold.

UGH.

I think I need to focus on gratitude today.  I have so much to be grateful for.  And I forget, at times, like last night.  Like when I’m bitching about the snow and cold.  I have a warm house, a lovely house, a decent car, a decent job.  A family who loves me, and friends.  And my health, which while I have my issues (diabetes) they are well controlled and my overall health is fine.

When we come from a place where we have enough, we always have enough.  When we come from a place of lack, we will always lack.  Like Byron Katie says, I seem to always have exactly what I need.  I have enough.

It’s a wish I have for everyone, that they always have enough.  Enough food, heat, love, money, friends, family, hope, joy.  Enough.

I have  gong bath tonight.  My sound healing meditation, where I will spend an hour or so in some other place, allowing things that need releasing to release, healing my confused soul.  I am so looking forward to it.  It is timely, this one, but then…so often they are, there is always something to work on.  There is always another layer to peel off to find my way to my inner peace, to become more authentically myself, and the person I strive to be.

I’ve often said, I’ve never been addicted to anything, except coffee, lol.  Don’t mess with my morning coffee….  But maybe I’m addicted to the sound of 8 gongs crescendo-ing into a tsunami of sound and vibration.  If so, it’s an addiction I’ll hold on to, at least until I move to Florida.  Maybe I’ll have to buy a gong and hold my own down there.

Life looks much more hopeful this morning.  Love and light to all.

 

 

 

 

Christmas Morning Epiphany

Posted on by learning to live like water

Christmas Sunrise 2015

It’s Christmas morning.  I’ve been up since before dawn, and managed to catch the sunrise, which was beautiful.  It is such an unusual Christmas morning. It’s warm out, I went out on the deck to take this picture, and left the slider open, it’s almost 60° outside!  Certainly not a normal New England Christmas!

I have had a few epiphanies this morning.  One was while I lay in bed, luxuriating in the fact that I did not have to get up, and go to work.  For the last couple of months, my elbows, forearms and wrists have been in a lot of pain while I slept and when I wake.  I believe it’s just arthritis. At least that’s what I’ve been saying.

I did realize this morning, that the pain has increased substantially since the break-up.  I also realized I have not been dealing with it, just trying to ignore it, and have been focused more on obsessing about the break-up.  What he did, to me, to her, to himself.  Trying to understand that mindset that would create a situation that was bound to fail, to hurt himself most of all.

I decided that starting today, I was going to redirect that energy to myself, and find out what the emotional components of arthritis presenting in my arms was.  Louis Hay’s book “You Can Heal Your Life” has a permanent place on my coffee table.  I got up, I did my morning meditation, (which I gave a little extra time today), and then consulted the book.  I was not surprised at what I found, because I knew there was an emotional component linked inextricably to my recent experience.  But here’s what it said.

Elbows (I have a limited range of motion at the moment):  Represents changing directions and accepting new experiences.

Wrists (also limited range of motion):  Represents movement and ease.

Arms (specifically for me, throbbing pain in my forearms when I rest):  Represents the capacity and the ability to hold the experiences of life.

Wow.  I am obviously not accepting, nor moving through the experience of the break-up, the deception that was visited on me, well.  It is manifesting in my body.

It had also caused sleep issues, causing me to be dependent on taking a prescription sleep aid.  I have not taken any this week, and I am finally getting back into my own old sleep patterns.  Which probably allowed me to re-evaluate this pain in my arms.

I have to look at the lies and deception that culminated in such a painful break-up as an experience. An experience from which to learn something, about myself.  I learned about trust, about loving myself first.  And I also learned that I still have the capacity to love someone intensely and passionately.

These are lessons that I would not know, if I didn’t live through that experience.  It is now my task to accept the experience, without regret.  To embrace the lesson.  It is said that those who make your life the hardest are your greatest teachers.

Perhaps, if my purpose in his life was to remind him of his intrinsic value, his was to teach me those invaluable lessons.  That trust is something earned, not given freely like love.  That we have to love ourselves first, and enough, to walk away when we recognize that a relationship does not serve us and only takes from us, causing us pain.  To know that I can love passionately and intensely?  Well, that’s just a gift.

The break-up also has brought me to feeling compassion for the man with whom I spent most of my life.  He also created a situation which was bound to fail.  There could be no other outcome of the way he was living.

It is obvious to me, that there is a healing in the wind.  Healing my bruised psyche of the pain that the lies and deception caused me.  Healing the relationship with my ex, because it may be that it’s possible now.  I will take that as it comes.  The journey back to life is still his to take.

Healing between my son and his father. I can only pray.  It’s not my relationship, I can only facilitate the loving kind of environment that would make space for it.

I hope there is healing for Scott.  Not necessarily the way he wants it, but for him to reconsider the way he lives his life, and change it so that he can live out his life in a rich full way.  But his journey is his, it’s none of my business.  I am hopeful for him, but there is no expectation.  And I doubt if I’ll ever know what the outcome is for him, of all this trauma.  So I wish him love and light, he is in my prayers.  But my life diverges, and I will be leaving that path behind me.  I just deleted the whole text thread with him, which went back almost 3 months to the week after I initially found out about Betty.  I intend also to delete all the emails I have sent him, including a lot of writing I did just for him.  I let it go, I send it to the universe now, where I trust it will be atoned and turned into something beautiful.

I see the break-up now, as a fissure.  A huge crack in my life, which not only allows the light in, but also allows space to grow.  Like a seed breaking ground to become a beautiful flower, or a tall tree, or some other magnificent creation.  Everything reaches for the light.

On this Christmas morning, I change my focus, to accepting fully and with gratitude the experiences which continue to shape my life.  I regret nothing.  I will hold the experiences, not only in my arms but in my heart.  I will change direction gracefully, and let go of the pain and devastation that has been my focus for the past few months.

The best Christmas gift I could give myself.

Merry Christmas everyone.  Love and light to all.

 

 

Reiki, Gongs and Kokopelli

Posted on by learning to live like water

the cove

There were some other notable things that happened yesterday, but I didn’t want to mix them in with my realizations about grief and loss last night.  That was such a big deal for me, because I was able to accept that I will feel it, I was able to release some of that and feel free to let my self cry if I need to.  I’ve been refusing to cry over him any more.  Now I realize that what is left is not about him, but about the emptiness left after the destruction was cleared away from my psyche.

Yesterday I went to lunch at the cove.  It was an incredible day for December, it was in the low 60’s, much more like October, or April, than December.  The sun was out and I had the windows down on my car, breathing in the fresh clean air.  The picture above is one I took while I was there.

But when I got there I felt unsettled, nervous, really out of nowhere.  I suspected it was an energy cord from S.  I sat with it as best I could.  I ate my lunch, I read for a little bit. Finally, I put on some meditation music, lifted my face to the sun with my eyes closed, and decided to send him some reiki.  Again, it can’t ever hurt, it’s God-energy and if he doesn’t want it, he won’t get it, but it’s there if he’s open to it.  Giving it calms me down, because the same energy that I send, passes through me and works it’s magic.  It worked for me, I didn’t feel it any longer after sending it for about 15 minutes.  In fact, I was really in a much better space all afternoon at work.  I’ve kind of decided whenever I get these cords from him, this is how I’ll deal with it.  It is a loving thing to do, which doesn’t attach me to him.  And it always helps me.

Then last night when I got home from the gongs at about 9, I stopped at my mailbox and there was a thick padded envelope from Addie. (“A”).  I smiled, to see his handwriting on the envelope.  He calls me Deborah often, not Deb, and addressed it that way.  Inside was a small box, on which he’d drawn a couple of red hearts.  Inside was a pendant of Kokopelli in southwestern colors.  I love it so much.  Kokopelli is such a happy god, and that’s the way I feel often.

But what a wonderful thing to find, and receive, after that rather intense gong bath.  Here’s a guy who can love with his whole heart, knowing that the outcome won’t be what he wants, but happy to love anyway.  I do love him, so much, because he asks nothing except for me to care about him, which I do.  I am so grateful to have him in my life, he is such a contrast to those who would play games, and wreak havoc on people’s lives and their own.  He owns his story, he stands in it.  He is such a blessing in my life.  I don’t know what I did to deserve him, but his friendship is a gift from the universe.

I guess yesterday was a day of growth, and understanding, and love….I figured out a way to deal with S’s energy spikes that is loving and helps me, I understand why it is so hard to get over this relationship, and then as a reward, had Addie’s unconditional love at the end of the day.

Blessed.  Just blessed.

Change Is In The Morning Breeze

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m running late today.  I had to shut down and reboot my new laptop this morning, the keyboard wouldn’t work.  I miss my old Sony Vaio, lol, never one problem in 5 years.

Thinking about change this morning, starting anew.  Change is the only constant in life.  I feel like maybe the past is in the past now, like maybe it’s settled down and won’t be blindsiding me with hurt or anger or regret anymore.  The picture seems pretty complete.  I can see what happened, I can see why, what caused S to do what he did. I’m able to feel sad for him but unattached.  Not sad for the state he’s in presently, because it is a situation he created and obviously was supposed to happen because it did.  I’m sad for his inability to deal with the emotional demons that caused him to do what he did.  I hope  now that he has some time for introspection, he will take it, and take care of that inner child who was acting out so destructively.  I hope he can find the light that I always saw in him.  It’s still there.  Just because he’s covered it in layers of darkness, doesn’t mean it’s not still burning.

I’ve had a few conversations with a couple of men who seem nice, normal, not self destructive.  I am hopeful.  I am not needy.  I have a life, a good life.  Tonight I have a gong meditation, and it will be the first time in a very long time I’m going without some ridiculous drama I am dealing with.  I wonder where it will go, when I’m not looking for a specific answer to something.  Saturday I am going to a cookie swap with my bff at her sister’s house.  Not that I need cookies, but it will be fun to do something Christmasy.

The weekend is supposed to be warm here, 60°, which is absolutely crazy and unheard of in December here.  We are much more likely to be below freezing and have snow on the ground.  We have had two very severe winters back to back, so this mild weather is a reprieve for sure.  We can only hope it lasts til March.

Change, sometimes chaotic, and sometimes just like an tide on a windless day, just coming and going out on a smooth sea.  Just accept and embrace it.  The universe knows what it’s doing.

 

Believing

Posted on by learning to live like water

In gratitude this morning.  I awoke early as usual, about 5:15.  I felt peace, for a lovely change.  No angst over the past, no worry about the future.

I have a ring with a large larimar stone.  This is the stone of the Caribbean, it’s only found there.  It’s metaphysical properties are tranquility of sea and air to the heart and mind.  It is supposed to soothe and uplift hurt, fear, depression, pain of life and changes, with love.  I bought the ring in St. Thomas when I took my son on a cruise when he graduated from high school.

 

 

The day I was decorating my house for Christmas, at about 5 PM I looked at my ring and the stone had fallen out somewhere.  I had no idea when or where.  I had been digging in boxes of ornaments, and decorations, doing laundry, cleaning, run an errand to the drugstore.  I dug through the boxes I’d been in but to no avail.  While I was sad it was gone, I had a feeling that it would just turn up somewhere.  I don’t know why, I wasn’t frantic, I just thought it would.

Two days later I was at work, and my son called me, that he’d found my stone in the washing machine!  It fell out while I loaded the sheets into the washer.  Now I just have to reset it into the setting and I’ll have my ring back.

This is how I am feeling about my life right now.  It isn’t perfect, but what I want I know is going to come.  And I can let go of the angst, at least for today.  The angst, and all the other negative emotions that the last 6 months have brought me, I just let go.  I almost brought the drama back into my life this weekend, but it wasn’t supposed to happen and didn’t.  I am so grateful for that I can’t even express it.  I am so grateful to have a wonderful life to just settle into, and know that if I just believe, the things I want will manifest.  It has always been so, and will always be.

I remember during my divorce, thinking every day, that what I wanted had already happened, it just had not manifested yet.  I feel this now….the things I want, in the vast expanse of the universe in which there is no space and time, have already happened.  They are waiting for the perfect time to manifest.  I know they are coming.

Breathe in love.  Breathe out all that no longer serves you.

And believe….just believe.

 

 

Out of the Darkness, Into the Sun

Posted on by learning to live like water

Happy this morning.  A is fine, I got my “goodnight sweetie.  I love you.”  He feels bad he left his phone at home, and he banged his head with a floorboard and has a big bandaid on his forehead.  But he’s safe and whole, and I’m relieved.

Looking forward to the day.  Making some new friends on here, and elsewhere.  Future looks bright, continuing to be drama free.  I still get the energy vibe from S, I am getting good at recognizing it, and it’s not that I ignore it, its just that I know he needs to work through this himself.  He kept telling me he wanted to be alone, and even though it was an excuse so he could see Betty and keep me, now it’s true for him, so I hope he makes use of the time.  Could be that what he said, the lie, was closer to the truth of his soul.  He set his life up to fail, and bring him where he is.  He manifested the state he’s in.   I hope he comes out of it better, stronger, wiser, kinder, and more whole.  I hope the child who steers that riverboat makes it to the distant shore.

Most of us know that great beauty can be borne of tragedy.  I sincerely hope he can find it.   I think I’m well on my way, to creating a more beautiful life out of the tragedy of loving him.  The picture at the top made me think of this.  There are 3 hands, one for me, for him, for Betty. And the bird, flying….we reach for it, to fly with it.  I know it’s carrying me now.  I hope its carrying them too.  Out of the darkness, into the sun.

Life is good.  Love and light.