Today is my day
To live, to love, to enjoy.
It’s yours too, my friend.
How will you spend it,
This gift, a glorious day?
Let yourself feel love.
Don’t let the pain steal
From you the joy that is yours.
Your birthright, my friend.
Let the pain transform
You, more lovely than before.
Don’t let it own you.
Feel it til it’s gone,
Then see who you really are.
Rise, my friend, rise strong.
I woke at 4:15 this morning. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised because I was asleep at 9:30. I lay in bed for about 45 minutes, just thinking about things. Moving, the foundation cracks, lol, the men I’ve loved.
The moving, the house selling, it will all be over soon. So, I just have to make my way through each day, and do what needs to be done. Taking it one thing at a time, I’m sure I’ll get it all done, easily.
The men, idk. I was thinking about my ex. His name is the same as my son’s so I don’t use it on here, because I don’t want to confuse anyone. But it’s Bruce. I was thinking about the fondness I still feel for S, and how I have none for my ex, who I was with for 40 years. I guess the difference is my ex, B, eroded that love every day for years with his control and abuse of me, and my son. I don’t wish him any ill, I don’t have to, lol. He’s done a damn fine job of fucking up his life with no help from me. I wish him love and light, all good things, but I know with his last breath he will blame me for his problems.
I thought about how, when he was in control, he used to occasionally have these 2 or 3 day brain-washing sessions with me, before my son was born. He would brow beat me, and yell at me, and threaten me for days. I couldn’t leave the house. I was his captive scapegoat for all the ills in his life. And back then we had very few ills. We had enough money, a decent home, a yacht, but still he had to make me feel less than human anytime I began to feel happy and secure. And then he’d say, “I love you, I would think you’d listen to me, knowing it was for your own good.” Geezus. It was for his. To have himself a servant who would do everything, who was dancing around trying to win his favor.
One particular time, during one of those brain-washing sessions, he decided that I did not deserve my 1 1/3 carat heart shaped diamond. He ordered me to give it to him. I refused. He got up from the couch as I sobbed, went in the kitchen and got a pair of pliers out of a drawer where he kept a few tools. He came back, and grabbed my hand and broke the setting, so that the diamond fell out. I am sure, 100% positive, that if I’d fought him he would have broken my hand. He was 6’2”, about 240 lbs, and had arms like most people’s thighs. Very strong, he was a nationally ranked swimmer at one time.
He put the diamond and the broken setting in an envelope and put it in a kind of jewelry box in our bedroom. Folded up tight, so it was about a 1” square. I always knew where it was. I believed that some day he’d realize what a good wife I was, and how I was trying so hard to do everything he asked (while he did nothing at all for me, but I guess I believed I didn’t deserve it) and he’d get it reset one day.
He never did.
When I moved out of the house in 2007, I opened the envelope and took the diamond. I left him the broken setting.
But that just illustrates how dysfunctional he was, and I was, and we were. That we managed to have my son after that is amazing. But thank God, my son is a blessing to me borne of that pain.
S…..well, he betrayed me when I loved him the most. My love for him didn’t die over time. It never had a chance to die a natural death. I grieved and grieved, and still do some days. It’s easier when I never hear from him, I’m much more able to see the dysfunction that surrounds him, and was part of our relationship so much more clearly. I know it would never have lasted, even if there were no B, because I wanted more that he’s capable of giving. It’s been almost 2 months now since I’ve heard from him, and I am fine with it. I have some fond memories, tempered by the reality of his nature. I can love him, who he was to me, I can be grateful for that time in my life. I am so happy to know that after my long miserable marriage, (and long miserable divorce) I can still love someone so passionately, so intensely.
I don’t think he and I can be friends, though. I’d like to be, but I don’t think B will allow it. Even if I’m in FL, 1500 miles away, she would be jealous. He says she’s not, I say, you don’t see it. She’s a master of the passive aggressive stuff. Never wants to talk to him again, until I do. Then she does. Never wants to be with him again, until I am, then she still loves him. Whatever.
I know that I can’t go there again. I can say never say never, but I gotta be real. He is never going to want to make the changes that I’d like to see in him. I think he is much more comfortable with the game playing, the push pull thing, and with misery and unhappiness than happiness, because he sabotages his own life constantly in an effort to prove to himself he’s not worthy. I will always tell him he is. I would, am, always here for him if he wants to talk. But I know he can’t trust himself, so he doesn’t trust me.
I will say, one reason I loved him so, was because he let me be me. All the time. Even though I talked too much, lol. He knew how to quiet me down. Take me to the beach, or somewhere, tell me a story, put on some music that was new to me and tell me about it, or take me to bed. But the freedom I felt with him, after being with a man who tried to control what I said, wore, how I wore my hair, how I walked, yada yada yada, was blissful for me. For that I will always love him. Now that I know what that’s like, I intend to find it again, in a man who is capable of loving, who seeks the light, and is happy and likes himself.
All good lessons with these men. Painful, but good. I know myself, I’ve found myself through the pain that I experienced with them both. I can say to my ex, I love you and I wish all good things for him, he is making himself pay for sins he thinks he must have committed, I am sure. I can say to S, love always and all ways, because that too is true. Because I do. I will. All the betrayal, really, that S orchestrated, was him, sabotaging himself, setting himself up to fail. He hurt me, yes, but for me it’s temporary. I can find my way out. I don’t look into the abyss. I walk away from it, even if I’m on my hands and knees crawling.
At peace this lovely morning. Nice to put things into perspective.
Love and light, everyone.
I meditate most mornings, for 15 or 20 minutes. To start my day, to center and ground me. I prefer guided meditations in the morning. Usually I choose a meditation that guides you in, with an intent, but then, lets you go off in silence, with only the music. I find the music helps block the internal chatter that might otherwise distract me. I find a mantra to repeat is also good to help keep my mind silent.
I have a favorite meditation from Youtube. This meditation uses the mantra “So Hum”, which is traditional for meditation. It means, “I am”. Since “I am” is traditionally God’s name, they say (the wise spiritual teachers of the millennia) never to follow the words “I am” with anything that God could not be. Like, never say, I am stupid. I am ugly. I’m an asshole. Because, God is not, could not be, those things, lol.
And God lives within us, as us. (Lesson from Eat Pray Love, thank you Liz Gilbert.)
So this morning, I listened to this meditation, and as she guided us to say “So Hum” I began to cry. It surprised me, seriously. I have not felt sad this morning. I slept well last night. But…crying I was.
I realized, when I got to the place where I could just observe myself, that I just have a lot of emotion I am afraid to let surface, over this move. Not that I don’t want to do it, I do. I have dreamed of it. It’s just, all the goodbyes I have to say. To my friends, who are my family here. Mostly, though, to my son.
It brings so much pain to know he will be so far away. It has just been the two of us for so very long. We have gone through so much together. We’ve grown, we’ve had our joys, and our growing pains. I remembered when his father would pass out on the floor watching TV, and we’d both go to bed. He in his room, me next to him in the guest room that became my room for the last 5 years of my marriage. We’d talk, he’d make me laugh so hard. He and I had our own separate world then, about which his controlling father knew nothing. I swear those nights, my son sitting on my bed talking and laughing, made it all bearable, as I planned and plotted a way to get us free.
We created a bond which will never be broken, it is a connection that miles cannot stretch. He will always be my best friend, and I his.
This last thought made the tears stop, and I caught my breath. I am. He is. We are.
The meditation starts out with a centering thought. I am perfection, I am healthy, I am strong.
I am, we are, you are.
Love and light……
For years I was such a bad sleeper. I guess that’s normal, living with a sociopath whose purpose in life was to create chaos in yours, and your sons. Never knowing what you might wake up to. Wondering if the earth would tilt on its axis by morning. I took over the counter sleep aids for years on end. Never went to bed without some sort of help, and often, they didn’t help. I’ve taken 4 Tylenol PM and not gone to sleep.
I often wonder if I did any damage to my body all those years. I figure not sleeping probably would have done more.
Since I moved out of that house, it’s been rare that I take anything. It took some time to wean myself off of the fear of not sleeping. I wasn’t physically addicted to the sleep aids, but I had a lot of fear of not sleeping at all, and having to go to work and be functional the next day. Now, I know if I don’t sleep one night, I will sleep the next. So I don’t generally take them.
Last summer though, when the carpal tunnel was really bad, I got prescription Ambien which helped me to sleep through some of the pain. That particular ailment gives you the most pain when you are sleeping. I’d have to get up multiple times during the night to run my hand under warm water, to relieve the throbbing. The Ambien got it down to just once usually.
As soon as I was through the surgery and the carpal tunnel was no longer an issue, I found out about Betty Boop. Which sent me into another tailspin, in which heartbreak combines with trust issues, mostly, not trusting myself. After all, there were myriad flags flying, and I chose to believe the obvious lies I was being told, and not to see the truth that had been slapping me in the face all summer trying to wake me up.
If you follow my blog, you know that relationship did not end there. You know that he tried to keep me in the periphery of his life, that he could not let me go, even though he’d chosen her. He continued to break my heart on a regular basis until really, about 6 weeks ago, when he asked to come see me after leaving me about a dozen voice mails and I finally talked to him and said, no. No, we aren’t going there again.
I reclaimed myself.
I have not talked to him since. I had some short communications with Betty Boop, but then blocked her so I won’t even see another email from her. She made up a lie, for her own benefit, telling him I’d done something I had not done. It wasn’t a big thing, but it just doesn’t sit well with me. She and he are welcome to play all the games they want, and feed each other the lies they need to hear, but leave me out of it. I’m not angry, I just can’t get drawn into that childish adolescent stuff again.
I realized last night that when I called him and left a voice mail just telling him that it was a lie, I’d unblocked him, and had not reblocked him. I reblocked him again last night. Again, not because I’m angry. Not because I have any bad feelings at all for him. But because I am moving on, I don’t want to be part of that little drama any longer. He loves the triangulation. He’ll have to find another 3rd leg to make her jealous with.
The point is….after I did it, I slept a solid 7 hours. I’ve done that a lot lately. Even with all the agita over the hot water heater, and trying to find a mover, and trying to train 2 people at work, I’ve been able to sleep. Because none of it is emotional. None of it makes me question who I am. I’m beginning to trust myself again.
Today I woke refreshed from a good night’s sleep. There is a very gentle rain falling outside, so I can’t sit out there, but I opened the slider to my deck to let the fresh air in, and listen to the peace of it. The stillness.
I am beginning to absorb, assimilate, that my dream of moving to Florida and retiring is manifesting. I guess there is always a ying yang with it, and the yang to that ying is that my son won’t be with me any longer. I know it’s time for him to fly on his own, I know he will love Colorado. I know it’s an adventure for him. I know I’ll still talk to him every day, and that our bond can never be broken.
But God, I will miss his chaotic energy in my life, his youthful exuberance, the plethora of friends and young people constantly running through my house.
I’ll get through it. I’m trying to just look forward to driving cross country with him. That will be a wonderful way to say goodbye to our old life.
I’ll keep the Ambien by my bed, for those few nights when it’s hard.
The rest of the time, I’ll just sleep. I’ll have my life back, completely. There will be no triggers down there to remind me of what I thought I had, and didn’t, nothing to remind me of all the pain I endured. I will just enjoy the fruits of my work to heal, and continue that process in my “Avalon”. My place of healing and new beginnings.
Love and light, all.
A thousand bees hum
A thousand fireflies flicker
A thousand dreams born
A thousand eyes see
A thousand hearts beat as one
A thousand songs sung
A thousand prayers raised
A thousand hopes enjoining
A thousand lives lived
A thousand, or more
Looking to the light for peace.
Be, of the thousand.
I was home alone much of this weekend. While dealing with the damn water in the basement, and cleaning the house, and all the other weekend chores that have to be done, I was going deep, and peeling back layers.
Layers of pain, layers of fear, layers of love. I took a ride, on the emotional roller coaster, and missed some people to the point of tears, and feared losing others to the same extent. I sat with my feelings, I allowed myself to feel all of them, and it wasn’t always pleasant. Then I talked to good friends who helped me to get through. One on Saturday from here, who always gets me back to the present moment. One in Montana, who always reminds me of what’s important. My friend here who is going to drive to Florida with me, who brings me right to my present life, and all the joy I have in it.
At the end of the 2 days, I had done some real work, I think. Last night’s “Goodbye” haiku ( https://learningtolivelikewaterblog.com/2016/07/25/haiku-no-125-goodbye-5-parts/ ) kind of spilled out of my heart, and I think it was real. I think it’s time to let that all go. I hope I left it in a good place, a place I can remember fondly. A place of forgiveness and love, because I just don’t want any of the angst of holding onto negative stuff. Our paths crossed for awhile, the lessons were there, almost in an explosion of emotion, and we both have to move on. Always and all ways, I can live with that.
This morning, there is peace on this hillside, in the trees, in the morning sun on my face and skin, the cool but balmy air silently soothing me. All I can think of is Beth Harts song, “Life is Calling” so I’m going to put the link below.
Love and light, all.
I woke unsettled on my last morning here. My plane leaves at 10:45. I am usually unsettled when I travel, so I’m not surprised. I think there’s something just non-sensical about flying from Sarasota FL to Chicago IL to Hartford CT in 7 hours in a large heavy metal container with 300 other people. I don’t understand the physics of it, but I accept that they are. Yet, I think somewhere deep inside, there is a primal scream, lol, saying “It’s not possible!!”
That being said, I have learned to sleep on a plane quite easily, or read, and I don’t get nervous. I know there is a logical reason.
I once had to fly from Connecticut to Texas, to the funeral of my beautiful niece, who was killed in a car accident while visiting Australia. She was 24. Brilliant, valedictorian of her class, spiritual, funny, OMG, so funny. And beautiful. She was the star of our family, the 2nd of my younger sister’s 5 children. She was, without a doubt, an old soul. We all knew it, her wisdom was far beyond her years.
I flew by myself to Chicago, where I met up with my older sister, brother-in-law and my mother, and we flew together to Dallas. On the first leg, I don’t know if I’ve ever been so sad in my life. My marriage was breaking up, I was broke, (my older sis paid my plane fare), and now I had to face saying goodbye to one of the really most beautiful people I’d ever had in my life. We had a special bond, she and I. Everyone remarked on it.
So, I was looking out the window of the plane. We flew above clouds that whole trip, so it was blue sky above, and white clouds below. Staring out the window, thinking, trying not to cry the whole time. Wondering why this had to happen, why we had to lose her when everything else was already falling apart. Suddenly I saw the shadow of the plane, perfectly, on the clouds. And then I realized the shadow had a rainbow aura all the way around it. It followed us all the way to Chicago, for 1100 miles.
It was one of those signs. I was suddenly not alone, and there was promise. I think now, it was my niece’s way of comforting me, of helping me to get through that sad lonely flight. It was a sign that she was ok, she was around.
I’ve had many times that I’ve felt her energy around me since. Many unique experiences that have let me know she is close by.
I don’t know why I went here this morning, except I am flying to Chicago to get home, which makes no sense to me, but it’s no different than flying to Detroit, to get home on another trip. So far out of the way, but it’s how they do things in that crazy business.
Today I’m flying back to my present life, while I’ve spent the last week beginning to prepare for the future in a big way. I think I’ll be glad to be back to my routine. I’ll be glad to see my son, my cat, sleep in my own bed. I’m going to have to continue the work I’ve done down here in preparing for a move.
The realtor has not gotten back to me since Sunday, I’ve left voicemail, email, and texts with her. She was getting back to me within minutes up until Sunday night when I had some questions about the way a contract needed to be written. Not sure what’s up with that, but if I don’t hear from her today, I’ll call the listing agent on the house, and cut her out of the loop. I’ll meet with my realtor at home next week, finish getting the house ready to put on the market, get the pictures taken, get it listed by the end of the month.
I do know if the house I like doesn’t become mine, it’s because the Universe has something better in mind for me. Just staying in the flow, taking one thing at a time as it presents itself. Looking at the entire process at once can terrify me, it seems like such a huge undertaking for a single 65 year old woman.
My thoughts of S are far from where they were at the beach yesterday. I’m not feeling badly about him at the moment, just not feeling much at all. He still can get on my mind, but I think that the walk on the beach was very instrumental in the letting go process. Not feeling an attachment at the moment, and that’s a good thing. Making room for new things, letting go of those things which don’t bring me any happiness, or add to my life in any way except negatively.
My sis and I drove down at the last minute last night to see the sunset over the Gulf of Mexico. There apparently wasn’t one, lol. There were clouds all through the horizon, covering the sun on it’s way west. But still I got the picture above, which was kind of mystically cool, as it was hazy, and tinted light pink anyway. I think the ocean is just good subject matter, lol. It is such a metaphor for our emotions. I hope you all enjoy it.
Life is good. I’ll be back tonight, from the comfort of my family room at home.
Love and light, all.
I just watched a documentary on Lama Garchen Rinpochet, who is considered to be a Buddha. My friend with whom I am staying last night and tonight, had the great honor of meeting him.
Evolved, to say the least. He travels the world, for the purpose of bringing love to all sentient beings. All, not just some. People cry, sob, for the love he gives them. You can see pure joy on their faces. .
Unconditional love.
And that’s how we become happy, according to the dharma.
I believe it. I am finally getting back to the place where I know that unconditional love is my way. I know that is when I am happiest, when I am acknowledging that believing in unconditional love means, loving people, without judgement, despite what you may feel on some other, less evolved, level.
The documentary reminded me who I was, who I wanted to be. The nastiness of last week set me back. I felt like I had to reclaim my life, my memories, what was MINE back from those who wanted to take it from me, pretend it never was, that it didn’t exist.
Tonight I remembered, I realized, that it’s mine, and try as they might, they can’t take it, so why get upset? My life, my experiences, my truth, and my unconditional love can’t be taken. By anyone.
So, the investment I had in bringing the truth to light, caused me to experience some really ugly emotions, some mine, some theirs.
I realize that there are people who are attached to their pain, to their story, that believe spreading it around will make it thinner for them. But the opposite happens, and it becomes pervasive.
I have released all attachment to that outcome. I know what is mine, in my heart, and can’t be taken by that darkness. I know what was, what is, and I know where I want to go. And that’s back to forgiveness, and unconditional love, and sending love and light to all, including those who tried to take it from me. They need it most of all.
Love and light….. 🙂
What would you do?
If someone you used to love, told their ex-not-quite-current girlfriend (I don’t know what her status is at the moment.) that the only reason they asked you over for the weekend was for the sex? Because she found out and was hurt, and he couldn’t stand up and own that what happened, happened because he wanted it to?
What if you found out this, in a round about way, from the ex-not-quite-current girlfriend, who was just trying to make sense of what happened to her?
What if, this ex-lover denied and betrayed you to her over and over, and had done the same to you, with her, up until recently? And what if, that whole weekend you’d been trying to help him, while your heart broke, to find a way back to her, because that’s what would make him happy.
What would you do?
Well, I wrote them both an email. I told the story from my perspective. I told her I was not angry at her, it was just a lie that she believed. I was angry at him, for minimalizing and marginalizing our relationship. I made it clear what I believed to be the truth and why.
I am a lover of the truth. I need it out on the table, I need to see it all, I need to allow people to draw their own conclusions from what IS, not what one person wants it to be to assuage their guilt.
What happens now, is what happens. Probably nothing. I hope she’ll forgive him for caring for someone when she was out of the picture, and even when she was in it. Emotions don’t die, but he chose her, and I have to live with that, and can, and I am. I believe he still cares, and feels bad that he’s done it to me again, but didn’t see another way to heal the rift with her, than telling yet another tale
But that’s the problem for me. I mean I’m the loser here. But I won’t live with him lying about who I was to him, and who he was to me, for a short time. I won’t be turned into some bimbo who fucked a man who didn’t give a shit about her. For God’s sake. I don’t regret a minute of of any of the time I ever spent with him, I am not ashamed or embarrassed by anything I ever did with him. I’m sorry it hurt her, and I’m sure she probably feels the same about me now, because she’s a kind person.
It’s over now, I want to let it go. I want to keep the memories I have, unflawed by his lies, his spinning of the truth into something other than it was. I just want to be perceived as someone who loved him, and someone he cared for. And then I want to find someone who can love me the way I can love.
He’ll never be able to love anyone that way. But I know there are other people, men, who can. He was good practice for me. I learned what I want, and what I don’t, in a man.
I want someone who I can trust. Someone whose light doesn’t come on once in a while and shine so brightly that it hurts your eyes because they are so accustomed to the darkness. I want someone whose light illuminates my path, and whose path I can illuminate, and we can keep each other from falling into the pitfalls because we have so much light.
So, what would you do? Did I over-react? Or was it appropriate and necessary? I’d love your thoughts.
I’m a little fuzzy this morning, ever so slightly hung over from staying out and having that one more glass of wine last night. We had a nice time. The restaurant had a blues band playing, complete with a keyboard player, a couple of saxophones, two guitars, a drummer. They were good! We sat at the bar, talked to a guy who was a retired attorney for awhile. Nice guy, but obviously still angry at his wife for custody issues when he got divorced, and his kids are adults with kids of their own. Talk about holding on to something. He was my age, but I think his interest was in my 50 yr old friend, lol. Whatever, we had a nice time. It’s always nice to get out.
My friend and I are in sync with our relationships, both of us having ended one in which we were passionately in love. We can relate. When I got home I was actually missing S, and in my weakened, too much alcohol state, it was all I could do not to text him. I wrote about it instead, but chose not to publish it. I figured I might feel different when I woke this morning. And I do. It was a wave, it wasn’t a permanent state of being. A week ago I never thought I’d ever miss him, lol. And today, I don’t miss him, not that way. I’m pretty sure yesterday’s work on understanding what was going on was just stuff that came up with the help of the gongs, that needed to be sat with, so it could dissipate. It seems to be where I am today. Learning to lean into the discomfort, and deal with it.
This is why I go to the gongs. They facilitate going deep enough, gently enough, in a safe, supportive environment, to allow the stuff that we need to let go of, show up, so we can let it go. The stuff we bury doesn’t die. We have to deal with it, in a healthy way, that is sometimes painful for the moment, but leaves you free to move forward. So yesterday was a kind of rough day, but totally worth it and it ended well.
It was so warm yesterday, so spring like! Almost 60, after being below 0 just a week ago. It was nice to go out and not have to dress in so many layers. Today promises to be the same. It’s bright and sunny out. Such a nice break from winter.
The friend I was out with is the friend who knows someone who might want my house. She told me last night they are very interested, and will probably want to see the house in the next couple of weeks. Which means, I have to continue the deep cleaning I started last week. I took a bunch of pics yesterday of the outside of the house, and my living room, and sent them to my friend. This would be so amazing if it worked. If it gets to the point of them wanting to see the house, I’ll have to get one of those “For Sale By Owner” kits, lol. I’m beginning to think the Universe thinks I need to get moved ASAP, lol!
Well, the coffee pot is on, I’m on my second cup. I need to shake the fog out of my head so I can get some productive work done on the house today. Maybe a couple ibuprofen would help, lol. I started the kitchen yesterday, but have a lot more to do.
I also want to do some cooking today. Making BBQ beef in my crock pot, and I’ve been dying for cheddar cheese cauliflower sausage soup. That will give me left overs for the week.
It’s amazing though to me, that with all this stuff to do, and with a slight hangover, I am motivated to get it done. Feel like I’m picking up speed on the walking away thing.
Love and light to all.
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