Tag Archives: healing.

Everyone Needs a Little Nietzche in Their Life

Posted on by learning to live like water

dancing

Well, here I sit, ever so slightly hung over and tired. I went out with a girlfriend last night, for a couple glasses of wine and a bite to eat. We generally have gone to one of two fairly local places, but last night tried a new place. We prefer a kind of smallish place with good food, a bar, and live music. This place had all 3, and we had a ball.

We were sitting next to a table of 3 people, and by the end of the night we were sitting with them. We were all dancing, joined by another woman who was at the bar with a man I assume was her husband. Anyway, she was clearly older than me, maybe in her 70’s but was dancing with us. The music was great! My generation music, and a complete band, with lead guitar, bass, drums, GREAT keyboard player, a woman saxophonist, and a guy just on harmonica. The woman was playing the sax on the dance floor with us. One of the guys was buying shots for us while we danced, (I only had 2).

I have not danced in YEARS, except at my high school reunion. I was always at dances in high school, because my boyfriend played lead guitar in a good band, they had gigs most every Friday and Saturday, so I was always dancing with my girlfriends up by the band. But my ex-h could not dance, had no rhythm, lol. So we never danced, and I have found myself now self conscious about it. Lately though, going out with this friend who loves to dance, I have been freeing myself up from that feeling that I was making a spectacle of myself, and just decided to “dance as if no one was watching.” It was so much fun!!

Generally when we go out, we are home by 11 or so. Last night I didn’t get home til midnight…and was exhausted, after working my butt off on the house. But my garage is now acceptable, except for the stuff I need to take to the dump Today I’m going to attack the storage area in my basement. Then really, all I need to do is to clear the kitchen counters, etc. My yard needs a spring clean up, but I’m calling someone to do that. I just can’t…I have shrubs that need cutting back, and beds that need to have the leaves cleaned out of, trees that need pruning. I just can’t do that. And my fireplace, lol. Not sure what to do with that.

My brother-in-law called me yesterday, and talked to me about some of the issues the inspection on my house turned up. He didn’t feel any of them were really anything to worry about. The report said I didn’t have sufficient amperage in my electric service to run the house. I have 100 amps. But he talked to people who know, and said I should never be drawing more than 60. And that if the 100 isn’t enough I will know soon enough and can get it fixed then. So we will just use that to negotiate, but perhaps I don’t need to spend the $2000 to get it upgraded after all. The report said the hot water heater needs a relief valve or something, that it could cause the heater to leak or drain, which could cause a flood. Well, this is true….but the hot water heater is outside, so who cares if it leaks? It’s not like it’s in the basement (which would be the case where I live now) and going to flood the basement. So that’s all good news. I’m feeling good about the whole thing. I think I’m getting a really good house for the money right now.

I am getting more excited by the minute to get moved down there. I’m seeing it come closer and closer. Feeling the life I dream about becoming reality. Feeling blessed.

Love and light to all.

Closure is Vastly Overrated

Posted on by learning to live like water

No closure

I’ve been doing the Deepak Chopra / Oprah 21 day meditation on losing the weight.  I’d like to lose another 10 or 15 lbs before I move. Just to be a new me, really the old me, long ago, when I was young..  I’ve lost a couple lbs (first I had to lose the 4 lbs I gained on vacation, lol.)

As it turns out though, being overweight has so much to do with our emotional state, at least I know that’s true for me.  Being hungry for lots of things, often manifests in food. For the longest time, I’ve wanted real closure with S.  All the endings, lol, and there have been many, have always been ugly, have always left me confused, and in pain, or angry. This morning during the mediation I realized that what has happened is my head gets stuck on replaying over and over the words, the scenarios, looking for hints, looking for something to hold onto.  It’s a loop, that I get stuck on, and I’d say many of us do.

Today I woke with no angst, or desire for that old life.  Then listening to Deepak’s quiet voice, I realized that I have to question that loop I get stuck in occasionally.  Is it real?  Is it true?  (And I say that in my best Byron Katie voice.) And, does it matter?  Does it have anything to do with what goes on now?

No, is the answer to all of it.  It has always been chaotic with him, it has always been extreme, it never made any sense and never will.  I have to stop the loop in my head that wants it that way. Just shut it down, and realize that my life and his no longer intersect because they are not supposed to.  The love and the passion that we shared is really the only thing that I choose to remember. Whether or not he perceives it, or chooses to remember it that way, I have to let go of.  And just move on.

There is no closure.  There wasn’t with my ex either.  My ex, is a mess…..I love him, I don’t want him in my life in any way.  There is only chaos, and still…he seeks power and control by trying to make me feel bad that I left, that he’s broke, that I salvaged what I could.  S…I love him too, but also can’t have him in my life.  Again, there is only chaos, of a different kind, but chaos nonetheless.  I saw, in January, how he was quite willing to bounce back and forth between me and B, when it suited him.  I hope he finds happiness, but I don’t expect he will.  There is no closure with people who live in their ego.

So…we have to break the loop that keeps asking for it.  The one that keeps asking “But why?” to all the myriad questions.  Suffice to say it’s over, there are better things ahead, and just move on.  Trust in the universe to right the wrongs, to bring your dreams to you.

In the meditation….he talks about breaking the loop that always brings us to eat as the answer.  That identifies all hunger as actual need for food.  I think those of us who have loved narcissists, or abusers stuck on power and control, just have to give ourselves closure, by breaking that endless loop that races through our minds.

And really move on.

Every day, I am able to do that more.  Yesterday I was stronger than the day before.  Today, I am stronger than yesterday.  The memories I choose to keep, are tempered by truth, and I detach myself from them.

Moving on….it starts slowly, one small weak step, then another.  At first away from the pain and heartache, but at some point, we begin to walk toward something, our dreams, ourselves.  I have begun to walk briskly toward my dreams.  Those memories are shrinking into the distant past.

Was it real?  Wast it true?  It doesn’t matter.  It’s over.

Life is good.  Make yourself a beautiful dream, and start taking one small step toward it.  You don’t need closure to do it. You just have to start walking.

Love and light.

 

Tuesday Updates

Posted on by learning to live like water

desert sunrise

The house.

My sis has been making calls about the mold. There is a test that can be done for $375 to see if there’s a mold problem. So we’re going to order it, and try to get an extension on the contract until that test is in. All these inspections are gonna run about $1000. But at least I’ll know what I’m buying. My sis is building lots of good karma, I’ll tell you. I could never do this without being there without her. So much to organize. My sis is good at that stuff, lol, but I will be forever grateful.

Addie

I texted with Addie again today, 3 days in a row. After only intermittent convos over the last 2 or 3 months. He sent me the picture he took of the desert sunrise this morning (above). He used to do that every morning. And send a selfie of him waking up. He would always ask for one of me. I would protest. I had bed hair, no make up, you know….. He would always say, “But that’s when you are the most beautiful.” Sigh………

He is such a good guy. I hope everything is ok with the gf, and I hope he’s not falling for me again. Much as I love him, and love having him in my life, I can’t go there with him. It’s just never worked, and I’ve tried. I keep breaking his heart, as he rather succintly reminded me back in December.

The first time was because S was doing his thing, to get me back from Addie. I’d been seeing Addie for about a month, after the prison whore. But I still loved S, and S was really working it. He said everything I’d ever dreamed of hearing from him, and did everything I’d ever wanted, and I left Addie in a heart beat. (I guess that’s when he cared for me, as B said, “not in the way I wanted or dreamed of” except it was everything I’d ever wanted from him.) I was unbelievably happy for about 6 weeks, till B decided she wanted him back. Then began the S torture. Not letting me go, not seeing me much, pushing, pulling. Having a great time watching me cry over him. Getting his huge ego boost from all the tortured poems I wrote last summer. Playing the game, the great player. See how long he could get away with it. No wonder he thought I was weak, that I “broke like a little girl”. Well, I bet he doesn’t think that now.

The second time I broke Addie’s heart big time was last November, when we were talking about him coming to visit. I suggested New Year’s Eve, for a few days. He wanted to come for 2 ½ weeks. “I’ll rent a car when you go back to work, I’ll make you dinner every night….” I know he meant it to show how he loved me.  He was so excited about it. But I didn’t want it. I was not, am not, ready to have someone here every night. It’s like a commitment, and I didn’t want it. I called it off, the whole thing. I told him I wasn’t ready, that I hadn’t gotten over S yet, and I hadn’t, that was true. I had just found out a couple weeks before, the full extent of S’s deception, and I was still trying to assimilate all that bad news. I was still rebounding from all the push pull, which continued right up to the moment I found out the whole truth.

That’s my biggest problem with Addie, is that he won’t allow time for a relationship to just grow. But also, because I don’t want to be in love with someone who lives 2000 miles away. And in the desert…I could visit, but I need the water. I have to be by the ocean. There were some physical issues too, which I never mentioned to him, because he couldn’t do anything about them, and I didn’t want to make him ashamed or even feel bad because of them.

For whatever the reason, it’s nice to have Addie in my life again. No games, just a good, intimate friend. Someone you can count on. Someone who constantly fills up my marble jar. It is so nice to be reminded, reassured that there are men in the world capable of selfless loving. Who take pleasure in pleasing their woman. I hope all is well with his gf, and he’s not talking to me every day because there’s something wrong, or worse, because he’s still in love with me. I don’t want to break his heart again. But I love having a man in my life who wants nothing from me, except a little of my time, and a little of my affection, and is never anything but loving and kind. I want nothing from him but his friendship. We are more than friends, we are very close. There was a tenuous time, when I broke his heart, the last time, that I didn’t know if we would make it through as friends. But we have, and I couldn’t be happier about it.  I’m so grateful the Universe has brought him back to my life right now.  Just so glad.

All is well, as I watch the Universe self-correct, and self-organize, and help me along the way to the fulfillment of my dreams. Love and light.

Exorcising The Ghosts

Posted on by learning to live like water

I took a walk on the beach alone this morning. I have only been twice now, because I was gone for the weekend. My sis went with me last time. It seemed I had some emotional processing to do, when I got there.

It was low tide. My head kept echoing “Low Tie…..” Which was what S always called it, from his days fishing.

I had a hard time silencing his voice in my head. I took pictures, of waves breaking on the sand bars. Of the waves breaking on the shore, leaving shells, broken sand dollars, pieces of coral and coquina. I took this picture, and also a video, which I can’t seem to get to transfer here..

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I kept wanting to send the video to him, with the sound of the waves breaking, and just say, “Lo Tie….” He would have appreciated it I think. At least for a moment, before he deleted it.

I walked along the dunes, remembering last March, when I was there. We had broken up, because of the prison whore. I had been seeing Addison. S was working all his magic on me, while I was gone, to take me back from Addie. I was walking on the beach, I was talking to him, I was falling so in love with him again, missing him so much. He was sweet, contrite, he wanted me. There was no her, there was nothing but he and I. Addie….loved me, like crazy. But I never stopped loving S.

We planned for S to come over the night after I got back. To talk, to see if we could repair the damage that had been done by the prison whore episode. But in my head, I already knew who it was that I wanted to be with.

Addison was picking me up at the airport at midnight. He had my car, there was no way around it. He expected to spend the night with me. “Please don’t sleep with him Deb.” “I won’t have sex, S. He’ll just sleep there, it’s going to be late.” “Even sleeping together is intimate….”

I knew it was, I knew that it wasn’t fair to Addie to sleep with him when my head and heart were with S.  I really didn’t want to either.  I knew I had to tell him on the ride home from the airport. I was dreading breaking that sweet man’s heart.

God that was a hard  beach walk. I guess there were a few ghosts here anyway, even though he never came here with me.

Anyway, I was overcome with the desire to communicate with him, and of course. I mean how could I remember all that and not want to just say hi. Just let him know that I was thinking kindly of him after all that ugliness last week.

I tried to send him the video, just as I’d imagined.

I say tried, because it couldn’t be delivered. The cell reception here was not good enough.

I let it go. I just acknowledged, it wasn’t supposed to go.

And I thought, “thank you universe, for watching out for me.” Because no good would have come from sending it, from opening the communication back up. None.

I said to myself, well, last year you were here, falling in love with him all over again. This year you are here, letting him go again.

The breeze blew gently, blew my hair off my neck, the sun shone on my face, the sand was soft, the sky was blue, and I turned to walk back to the bank of cubbies that are there to hold your flip-flops when you walk on the sand.

By the time I got there, I was just so grateful it didn’t get sent. I didn’t want it sent. I would have been horrified with myself if it had gone through. All it would have done, even if there was not response, or even a positive one, would have been to reconnect all the connections I have tried so hard to break. I would have undone weeks, months worth of work.

I had thought, while doing it, that I might unblock his phone. I hadn’t decided yet. When I got my flip-flops back, I sat on the bench nearby to dust the sand off my feet. I looked at my phone, and deleted the text to him. I put my flip-flops on and began the walk home, 2 blocks. Grateful, ever so grateful, that the universe stopped me from doing something that would have damaged my psyche again, and set me back so far. That would have in the end caused me more pain that I already have around that man.

I was able to remember his callousness. The way he now tried to negate memories like that one.  His last advice, “why don’t you focus on finding Mr. right?” As if, as if, you can just stop loving someone you love and replace him with another. He of all people should know. It was a stupid thing for him to say. “I’m sorry” might have been better. I know what a shit he is. I know how unreliable, how self-absorbed, how disingenuous he is. I know he uses people, and makes the wrong decisions all the time. I know all his bad traits.

Just, today, I remembered “low tie” and “high tie” and those moments when he wouldn’t be any of that shitty stuff, and how he could make me feel like he loved me. Those times when the light I always saw would break through, and blind me from its pure beauty.

But I made it through, by the grace of God, back to myself, back to my path, away from that pain. Away from all the craziness, the chaos, the mixed signals, the drama. Away from him and the darkness he spread into my life.

I made it.

Promise of the Sunrise

Posted on by learning to live like water

Just a promise of a sunrise this morning, hidden behind some clouds. There were breaks of blue sky, tinted with pink, there was a pink and golden glow on the horizon, beneath a tower of gray clouds. It was lovely, in a different, subtle, way.

IMG_2229

I stopped at the beginning of the dock, to talk to my sister’s neighbors. The one who lives across the street, in her golf cart, has felt like a good friend since the day I met her a few years ago. She asked about my weekend with my girlfriends, I showed her pictures of the house I fell in love with. Another neighbor was there, with his dog, Penny. I remembered him from last year. He is married, his wife doesn’t come to sunrise. I pet the dog for a few minutes. Then we all walked down the dock together, and the new friend I made the other day whose wife had to go home was there taking pictures. He also asked about my weekend, and told me he’d gone to St. Pete yesterday and had lunch at a lovely restaurant on the inland waterway near where I’d been.

You can always tell us tourists, we have the cameras, trying to catch and preserve every moment of the sunrise, to carry us through until we come back again. I have more pictures of sunrise from the Longboat Key town dock than anything else on my camera, lol.

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The sun came up, as it always does. It still put on a beautiful show. One that reminded me that clouds come and go, the sun is always there behind them, waiting to shine. The clouds that cover the sun can’t stop it burning brightly, and bringing daylight to a darkened world.

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Then it began to sprinkle, and then rain harder. We all left quickly, and the neighbor with the golf cart gave me a ride the 800 ft back to my sister’s house.

When I came in the house, my brother-in-law was up, had made me another pot of coffee. He said it hadn’t rained here in about a month, so they were glad for the rain. It didn’t last long though, probably about 10 or 15 minutes. There may be more today though.

Thinking about the gray clouds of my life, the storms, the dark days of fear, and heartbreak, and yearning for life. And then the sunrise, always there, always managing to get through the clouds, always bringing the light back to my life. Never letting me get stuck too long in the darkness. Bringing me my son, my family, my friends, my joy. Always remember, the fact that the light is covered in darkness, can’t stop it from burning brightly.

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Gratitude and Release

Posted on by learning to live like water

thankful

I didn’t think I’d sleep last night, but I slept well.  I went to bed and lay under the covers with the kind of chill I get at the gong baths that starts from the inside, my heart and solar plexus chakras, releasing.  I did my gratitude list, I was grateful for my son, my warm bed, my home, my two sisters, my parents, my life.   And then I fell fast asleep.

It did me a lot of good, to speak my mind, to say to him, and to her, what the truth was from my perspective, and demand that I not be made into something I was not.  That my relationship with S not be made into something prurient, and shallow, because it so was not.  Anyone who reads my blogs consistently can see that.

When I was being grateful for all those things, I also was grateful that I am strong enough to stand in my story.  That I could articulate what was true, what was undeniable.  That I didn’t have to sit in the shadows and swallow a lie.  I am so grateful that my life has taught me to stand up for something.  To stand up for myself.  The fact that someone I loved cannot stand up for himself, or me, is his problem.  He will live with that karma.  If she stays with him, she will also have to deal with it.

He has so much fear.  For some reason, he feels that if he admits to caring for me, not even loving me, that it will take something from her.  How silly.  Caring for one person doesn’t negate the love you have for someone else.  She can’t be that jealous, that he couldn’t care for someone else when she wasn’t in his life.

My conscience is clear this morning.  I am ready more than ever to go on my vacation, free of emotional encumbrances that bind me to the past.  I am more ready than ever to make this move for the same reason.

It’s all been hard, so hard.  Some of the hardest shit of my lifetime.  And trust me I’ve been through a lot of shit. It’s not as hard as the problems I had when my ex was trying to keep my son from me, but it’s running a close second.  I trusted my gut now, as I did then, and as I freed him from abuse, I have freed myself from betrayal.

I always have to remember, that everything that happens to us brings us to where we are.  I like where I am, I like who I am.  Therefore, I am grateful for all of it, and all the lessons I was taught.   I also try to remember that many wise people say our purpose in this life is to learn lessons and evolve our souls.  I have felt the power of speaking up for myself, not because of it’s affect on anyone else.  If there is, or isn’t, an affect on anyone else, I likely won’t ever know.  But I feel the power within me, that I loved myself enough not to swallow another lie.  And that’s a wonderful thing to know, that I can do that.

 

On Being Half-Dead

Posted on by learning to live like water

Burial Cost

This poster was hanging from the ceiling of the bar I went to Friday night.  It’s kind of a western themed bar/cafe.  This sign tickled me, lol.  I took a picture, but I’m sorry about the quality.  I had to zoom in to make it legible, and it lost a lot of definition in doing that.

It made me think about how people walk around so unaware of the beauty and possibilities that life has.  If you’re walking around half-dead, then you can choose to be buried, quite inexpensively!  Or, you can choose to breathe in life, and rise.  There is always another choice.  As long as we breathe, there is another possibility.

There are thousands of them actually.

How do we choose?  It’s so easy to make the wrong decision, and end up far from where we want to be.

I think first, you have to believe that inside of you, and every sentient being, there is a center, connected to the One Thing, borne of the unconditional love of the universe.  Even if you don’t feel it at the moment, believe it is there.  That’s the  beginning.

And then, trust your gut.  Trust your third eye.  Trust your intuition.  Trust the way a choice makes you feel.  Don’t think about it, FEEL it.  Feel what is right for you.  And trust that.  It may seem harder.  It may seem unreasonable.  It may seem stupid.

People asked me why I would even want to talk to S, let alone be with him after what he did, last summer and fall.  But I trusted my gut.  There was something else I needed to know, to learn from one last go-round with him.

I don’t regret it.  I learned what I needed to.  And it allowed me to have clarity and let go.

I am trusting my gut on this move to Florida.  I am terrified, if I think about it.  Overwhelmed.  The logistics alone, of getting the house ready for sale, selling it, retiring, getting my house packed up and moving to a new place where I know 3 people well, 1500 miles from the place where I am comfortable every day of my life, all by myself?  It seems crazy.

I trust my gut, that it is absolutely the right thing for me to do. And I move ahead.

I got through my long contentious divorce, trusting my gut, going with the flow.  It’s how I freed my son, just listening to that inner voice.  Making choices that absolutely freaked my attorney out, and proved to be the exact right thing to do.

Sometimes, it requires stillness.  Sometimes you need to sit somewhere, and just clear your head and let the energy of the Universe fill you, and guide you.  Giving yourself a few minutes of stillness every day can give you the space to just know.

If you make a mistake, so what?  There is always a way back, or another path you can choose to get where you want to be.  If you know where it is you really want to be.

Sometimes we think want to be with a specific person, that we won’t be happy unless we are.  We make a mistake that sends that person packing, never to be seen again. Is that cause to lay down and die?  To spring for the $22.95 and get ourselves buried?

What did we really want?  What were we expecting to feel when we were with them?  Can we just realize that what we wanted them to fulfill in us, can be fulfilled in another way?  By ourselves, by our passions, or by finding someone else?  Was the mistake that we made a mistake?  Or just, a lesson, a signpost to point us in another direction, towards more personal fulfillment?

Thousands of choices. Every step is a choice.  If you run into a wall, change your course.  Find a way around it. Even the great wall of China has a beginning and an end.

Why waste a lifetime walking around half-dead?

 

Energetic Discomfort This Morning

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

energy cordsI am feeling an attempt to energetically cord me again this morning, despite my deleting the song, despite my determination to stay on the road I’m on.  It’s irritating.

I find myself feeling negative emotions for no reason.  Unsettledness in my solar plexus and sacral chakras, which is always where I feel it.  I am determined to send it back where it came from.

I’m not sure it’s intentional.  It’s probably not. In fact, I doubt the sender is even cognizant of the fact that it’s being sent. But it doesn’t matter, it’s here this morning, and it disrupted my sleep last night.  Time to do reiki, I think.  Time to do a gratitude meditation. Time to cut the cords, once more. Time to make space for the positive emotions to take over and crowd this crap out.

I have no idea what’s happening at the source of this energetic cord.  Nor do I want to know.  I think the whole point of it is to encourage me to find out.  But I don’t want to know.  It’s of no purpose, it brings nothing to my life but magnification of negativity that manages to stretch across the miles to me.

I hold no grudge about it, I have no anger. I wish no ill on this person.  I wish for them all good things.  I understand that the person at the other end of this energetic cord that is trying to wrap around me is doing the best they can from the level of consciousness.  I forgive, because of that.  I am done with that chapter of my life.  I just want to be left alone by this person, on every level.

So much nicer to have my son’s laughing energy when I wake up.  I’m going to get back to that place, and send this energy on it’s way, back to the source, out to the Universe to atone for everyone’s highest good.

Love and light, everyone.

Don’t Look Back

Posted on by learning to live like water

don't look back

Maybe I tried too hard to dig down and let stuff go last night, because he’s been in my head all day. Not all good, not all bad, just is there. It could be just those bottom layers, coming up, needing to be sat with before they will depart for good. IDK. You’d think with all the work, and cord cutting he’d be gone from me. It scares me to think I may never be rid of this connection with him.

I’m cleaning the house, and once again, ridding it of things that remind me of him. I need to put away the prism light he gave me, taken out when he came to see the day after my mother died. I was so bereft, and he offered, and I was so glad to see him, and have him here. His presence was comforting, and sweet, and caring. We didn’t intend to do what we did, but I guess it’s’ just how we are. I remember putting my hands over my face, wondering what I was doing, but not stopping. It felt like I was undoing some of the torture from the way we ended last October. I remember not wanting him to leave.

I have to put away the coaster I put back on his side of my bed, taken out when he spent the night here a few days later. And used again, a few days after that.

Small things…..that’s all I have are small things. Except memories. None of them are small enough.

I wasn’t looking for a commitment. I knew he was confused, hell, I was SO confused, and he professed to love her but be mad at her for “running”, after telling him she could deal with whatever was in my blogs. She couldn’t, not many women could. I told him that. I was just happy to be with him. We felt close, he confided so much in me, I talked him down, I made him see that all might not be lost. I probably also thought, how much could he love her, if he’s in my bed a week after she leaves him? But never said so, I didn’t want to know the answer. I was in the moment, I loved him, I wanted nothing but his happiness, and to be with him. I saw him in pain over her, and tried to help. It wasn’t even hard to do. We pledged our close friendship always.

And then he turned on me, when she found out that the following weekend I’d spent it at his house with him. He’d already said he wanted to cool it between us, he needed time to think. I was ok with that. But I wasn’t ok when he found out she was hurt by it, and said he hadn’t wanted me there. That I was pushing. That was so untrue, that was such an attempt to rewrite history. He wanted me there, just like he wanted to come up here the week before. 3 times in a week. Even that day, that he found out that she knew. Hours before that he’d asked me to call him and wake him from a nap. So, I did, and he kept saying how he wished I was there. To negate that there was something between us, because she was hurt, was so disingenuous, so hurtful, such a betrayal, again. It wasn’t all lust. We spent hours talking, literally hours. More than ever before. Every night, texting in the day, and suddenly he’s telling me I was pushing and he didn’t want me there. It angered me more than hurt me, because I had no expectations of a future with him. I’m moving, he’s a mess….I just didn’t expect him to disown whatever it was that we had. It wasn’t what he had with her, but it was something. It meant something to both of us.

So, today, I will put these things away. I’ll get out my sage smudge sticks and cleanse the energy in the house, and also around me. Someone told me to ask for my aura to be protected from his energy, so I’ll do that too.

I’m going out with a friend tonight. Food, drinks, a band. It will be good to be around people, it will bring me back to this moment, the present moment. To the good life that I have. I’ll remember how little joy there is with him, in the long run, it always ends up being painful, I always end up hurt. I will walk, not run, away. Just walk at my own pace, there’s nothing chasing me, even though I’ve been looking over my shoulder, wondering. I need to remember there’s no joy in the place I’m walking away from. So stop looking back.

Why I Forgive

Posted on by learning to live like water

Someone told me tonight that my ability to forgive is amazing.  While that is a compliment, (I think, lol), I thought about it for awhile, and why that is.  I have endured a lot of pain at someone else’s hand, yet I can’t stay angry, and I am constantly looking for a way to forgive, and move on, move forward.

I think that the poster below says it better than anything I could.  Brene Brown explains human nature to me as no one else has ever been able.  When I read this, I know this person doesn’t believe they are worthy of love and belonging.  I know they are, worthy of it, that’s all.  I know everyone is, just because they exist, for no other reason.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that what was done to me was right, it doesn’t mean I want that person in my life.  It just means that what they did cannot hurt me anymore, and it recognizes that people are generally doing the best they can.  The best they can based on their level of consciousness at the time.  It doesn’t mean that I want that level in my life.  Forgiveness acknowledges a person’s innate worth.  As she says, it’s an irreducible need of all people to be loved.  I will always love this person.  I have forgiven everything.  And I move on with my life.

 

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If you have been hurt by someone, or something, and you can’t seem to get your footing back, I highly recommend Brene Brown’s book, Rising Strong.  She will help you get off the floor and back to a standing position, to heal your wounds and move on with your life.