Category Archives: Gratitide

Dancing Through the Insanity

Posted on by learning to live like water

Rumi

I am starting to find out exactly what’s involved with putting a house on the market. It’s not like there’s a choice, if I want top dollar for the house I have to do it. Today I spent a little time getting stuff together for Easter…some of the traditional Polish treats. My son is half-Polish, his father was 3rd generation 100% Polish, so I like to keep up some of the holiday traditions for him.

Started clearing out the stuff that needs to be out of sight when the house goes on the market, especially for the pictures. Up and down the stairs. Biggest problem is all my jewelry making stuff. Trying to put it in some semblance of order, out of the way. It’s not a neat hobby, lol.

I sat down on the couch to rest around 2. I was so exhausted, and I slept a good 7 hours last night. Why so tired? It occurred to me as I sat, on the computer, with my music from my phone playing on the stereo, that I hadn’t eaten but a protein bar at 7 AM and some coffee. So I got a yogurt, and a tall glass of water, and ate it while I perused WP and FB. Felt much better after about 10 minutes, I think my sugar had crashed.

I decided to brave the basement storage area. It’s attached to my son’s space, and his mess is like water, seeking it’s own level, spreading across the floor. I worked down there for awhile, just cleaning up, straightening up, throwing stuff away, emptying junk out of cabinets…. Maybe a couple hours. Changed the furnace filter while I was at it.

About 4:30 or so I sat down again in the TV room on the couch, opened the computer and next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes and it was about an hour later. I had fallen so dead asleep, I was disoriented waking up. And I was hungry! I made a little dinner, and then got some estimates on moving stuff to Florida. That will require some thought. A mover would be nice, but would cost about $800 more than a POD. Which is expensive enough, but how to get the furniture from upstairs down into the POD? I have no idea….. My move into this house was about 2 miles, from a small condo, and cost me $300. Will have to work on that issue.

Tomorrow, no time to rest. I have to get to the grocery store, hopefully before the rest of the town. Make a carrot cake, traditional for Easter. Why? Idk…Bunnies like carrots? No idea, but it wouldn’t seem like Easter without it. I usually give most of it away, take it to work, whatever. Then start on the garage. I have a ton of stuff that needs to go to the dump, so I looked up how that works on line. I have to get a permit from the town for $10 and can only take stuff there on Saturday. It looks like at least 2 or 3 trips. UGH.

I talked to my BFF’s husband today, who is like a brother to me, and asked him if he would look at my fireplace and just tell me what I need to replace, because for the life of me I can’t figure it out. He said he’d come over this week sometime. He is truly one of the good guys.

If I weren’t moving to a house a mile from the beach, I’d say I was gonna need a vacation when this is all done. But I will be on a permanent one, lol. I guess it’s just getting the house ready now that seems the big job. Once it’s done and on the market, I only need to keep it that way, not get it that way.

This must be the most boring blog ever, but I’m trying to document what has been done, what has to be done, and this helps me to organize my thoughts. I think I’m going to need at least 2 more weekends before pictures, but no longer. I need the house on the market by the middle of April.

The realtor texted me today that the seller has decided to get the gas hooked up in her name, so we can test the stove (and I’m so excited to have a gas stove, I’ve always had electric) and hot water heater. It was really a small thing, but I’m glad about that. The stove is brand new but not the hot water heater, so will be glad to have it checked out. We had the mold test done today, will get the results back Tuesday or Wednesday and then go in for the final negotiating. So, I have from now til then to kind of relax and let it be.

Tonight, all the emotional kind of angst I’ve had for days seems to have subsided, really disappeared for the time being. I know it’s a huge part of why I’m so tired. When the medium told me I needed to nurture myself, she said, that’s why you’re so tired all the time. I didn’t think I was tired all the time then, but it was like a prophesy! Because man, am I tired now that I’ve let it go. It’s not completely gone I’m sure, but I’m in a way better place. Probably because I wrote so much about it, and then because I spent the day working toward my new dream.

It’s quite a journey, from unconditional love and forgiveness, to betrayal yet again, to understanding, to anger over people trying to involve themselves in something that was none of their business, and then trying to let it all go again. Egos are so destructive. I think I’m pretty much back to the place of unconditional love from an unattached place. Back to the knowing I will always love the man, and also that I can never let him into my life again. I would say, we could be friends only, but really, even that….would be hard. We’ve never been in the same place and been able to keep our hands off one another. So how could we be friends only? Just let it go. I’ll soon be 1500 miles away, and creating a new life. He’ll have his old life, maybe. IDK. Maybe not, maybe she will realize she can never trust him, even if she loves him. Same as I did. It doesn’t matter to me any more. Moving forward. Rising strong.

Going to bed, lol. Love and light.

Tuesday Updates

Posted on by learning to live like water

desert sunrise

The house.

My sis has been making calls about the mold. There is a test that can be done for $375 to see if there’s a mold problem. So we’re going to order it, and try to get an extension on the contract until that test is in. All these inspections are gonna run about $1000. But at least I’ll know what I’m buying. My sis is building lots of good karma, I’ll tell you. I could never do this without being there without her. So much to organize. My sis is good at that stuff, lol, but I will be forever grateful.

Addie

I texted with Addie again today, 3 days in a row. After only intermittent convos over the last 2 or 3 months. He sent me the picture he took of the desert sunrise this morning (above). He used to do that every morning. And send a selfie of him waking up. He would always ask for one of me. I would protest. I had bed hair, no make up, you know….. He would always say, “But that’s when you are the most beautiful.” Sigh………

He is such a good guy. I hope everything is ok with the gf, and I hope he’s not falling for me again. Much as I love him, and love having him in my life, I can’t go there with him. It’s just never worked, and I’ve tried. I keep breaking his heart, as he rather succintly reminded me back in December.

The first time was because S was doing his thing, to get me back from Addie. I’d been seeing Addie for about a month, after the prison whore. But I still loved S, and S was really working it. He said everything I’d ever dreamed of hearing from him, and did everything I’d ever wanted, and I left Addie in a heart beat. (I guess that’s when he cared for me, as B said, “not in the way I wanted or dreamed of” except it was everything I’d ever wanted from him.) I was unbelievably happy for about 6 weeks, till B decided she wanted him back. Then began the S torture. Not letting me go, not seeing me much, pushing, pulling. Having a great time watching me cry over him. Getting his huge ego boost from all the tortured poems I wrote last summer. Playing the game, the great player. See how long he could get away with it. No wonder he thought I was weak, that I “broke like a little girl”. Well, I bet he doesn’t think that now.

The second time I broke Addie’s heart big time was last November, when we were talking about him coming to visit. I suggested New Year’s Eve, for a few days. He wanted to come for 2 ½ weeks. “I’ll rent a car when you go back to work, I’ll make you dinner every night….” I know he meant it to show how he loved me.  He was so excited about it. But I didn’t want it. I was not, am not, ready to have someone here every night. It’s like a commitment, and I didn’t want it. I called it off, the whole thing. I told him I wasn’t ready, that I hadn’t gotten over S yet, and I hadn’t, that was true. I had just found out a couple weeks before, the full extent of S’s deception, and I was still trying to assimilate all that bad news. I was still rebounding from all the push pull, which continued right up to the moment I found out the whole truth.

That’s my biggest problem with Addie, is that he won’t allow time for a relationship to just grow. But also, because I don’t want to be in love with someone who lives 2000 miles away. And in the desert…I could visit, but I need the water. I have to be by the ocean. There were some physical issues too, which I never mentioned to him, because he couldn’t do anything about them, and I didn’t want to make him ashamed or even feel bad because of them.

For whatever the reason, it’s nice to have Addie in my life again. No games, just a good, intimate friend. Someone you can count on. Someone who constantly fills up my marble jar. It is so nice to be reminded, reassured that there are men in the world capable of selfless loving. Who take pleasure in pleasing their woman. I hope all is well with his gf, and he’s not talking to me every day because there’s something wrong, or worse, because he’s still in love with me. I don’t want to break his heart again. But I love having a man in my life who wants nothing from me, except a little of my time, and a little of my affection, and is never anything but loving and kind. I want nothing from him but his friendship. We are more than friends, we are very close. There was a tenuous time, when I broke his heart, the last time, that I didn’t know if we would make it through as friends. But we have, and I couldn’t be happier about it.  I’m so grateful the Universe has brought him back to my life right now.  Just so glad.

All is well, as I watch the Universe self-correct, and self-organize, and help me along the way to the fulfillment of my dreams. Love and light.

Life is Moving Along Happily

Posted on by learning to live like water

Forward-motion-forward-life

My sister and brother-in-law put in an offer on the house yesterday.  Someone else had come in with an offer contingent on financing, so we needed to get our cash offer in.  I’m pretty sure they will take the cash offer, though they may counter.  I’m prepared for that.  I should find out this weekend, maybe even today!

I’m so excited about this, though trying to hold back a little.  It will require a home inspection, which hopefully will take place next week.  They could find something that’s big and hidden, but I’m hopeful not.  The seller says it was inspected when the remodeling was done.

If it goes through, it will so simplify my move to have a place waiting for me.  I won’t have to store my stuff and rent a place in Florida while I look for a house.  I’ll be able to move it right in.  I can even go down there before hand, and start getting things in place, measuring to know exactly what I can bring from my house in Connecticut, what I have to sell off or give away.

I can’t believe how lucky I am to have a sister and brother-in-law who would loan me the money, that much money….  I keep pinching myself.  Really.  I’m almost giddy, but I’m reserving that for acceptance of our offer, and a good inspection.

My focus here needs to be on getting this house ready to sell.  That has begun in earnest, I’ll get even more into it this weekend and next. I keep asking that it sells easily and quickly.  That’s the intention I’m setting.

It’s supposed to snow here Sunday.  It was in the 60’s for the last few days, and now a return to winter with a major nor’easter on Sunday afternoon and Monday, up to a foot of snow.  My son and I are so disgusted, and I’m sure we’re not the only ones. I am so ready for shorts and flip-flops, lol.  I’m praying they change the forecast.

Lots of exciting things going on.  Big changes, welcome changes.  Facing forward, always.

 

Better Things Await

Posted on by learning to live like water

low points

First day back at work.  I had over 1000 emails to sift through. My boss promised a half dozen people I’d ship their orders today.  Like, yeah, sure.  While I’m reading my 1000 emails.  It was crazy, but….I laughed my way through it, thinking, I won’t have to do this much longer!  LOL  I was so happy, even though the normal absurdity of the workplace was creating chaos all around me.

I am not telling the people at work about the house.  There are too many people who can’t keep their mouths shut.

My sis called me today, and the real estate agent called her today and someone else has made an offer, contingent on financing.  So my sis and brother-in-law are going to meet with her at the house tomorrow and barring something unforseen, will make a cash offer to them.  Then I’ll pay them back when my house sells.

I can’t even believe they would do this for me.  I mean, I can, they are loving and grateful to have the ability to help their family out, but I can’t believe it anyway.  It’s just beyond what I ever would have dreamed of.  This means that I won’t have to rent a place when I head down there, I’ll have a place to just move into.  It’s crazy.  Just crazy.  I am so friggin blessed.  Just blessed.

My son is a little nervous, but I told him we will work it out.  He doesn’t think he’ll be ready to head for Colorado when I’m ready to move, but we will figure it out.  The universe will make it work, I’m sure.

I am so excited, and happy, and so looking forward to this move.  For awhile I felt like I was running from things. From S, mostly, from my ex, from so many bad memories, so much pain and sadness. But now…idk.  I don’t feel any attachment to any of the past, only a lot of excitement to get on with this chapter of my life.  Not having to go to work every day, being able to follow my passions, to ride a bike everywhere, to get to the beach on a daily basis!  To smell the salt air and feel the sea breeze all the time.

I think my ex and S were the two most difficult relationships of my life.  My ex for sure, and S, even though it wasn’t that long, I loved him soooo fucking much, and he hurt me sooooo badly.  But you know what?  I learned from both of them, both relationships, lessons I would not otherwise have learned.  They were without a doubt my best teachers.

Now I’ll take those lessons into a new life, and I feel like joy and happiness are just waiting for me to take their hand and walk with me.  I, honest to God, finally feel no pain with either of them, nor any longing, or desire.  They were part of my life, past tense.

Better things await.  I used to say, while waiting for my divorce to finish, my abundance has already been created, it just hasn’t manifested yet.  And that’s how I feel now.  I can feel joy and happiness in the works, it is manifesting…..slow but sure, every minute it comes clearer into view.

Flying Home

Posted on by learning to live like water

Sunset

I woke unsettled on my last morning here.  My plane leaves at 10:45.  I am usually unsettled when I travel, so I’m not surprised.  I think there’s something just non-sensical about flying from Sarasota FL to Chicago IL to Hartford CT in 7 hours in a large heavy metal container with 300 other people.  I don’t understand the physics of it, but I accept that they are.  Yet, I think somewhere deep inside, there is a primal scream, lol, saying “It’s not possible!!”

That being said, I have learned to sleep on a plane quite easily, or read, and I don’t get nervous.  I know there is a logical reason.

I once had to fly from Connecticut to Texas, to the funeral of my beautiful niece, who was killed in a car accident while visiting Australia.  She was 24.  Brilliant, valedictorian of her class, spiritual, funny, OMG, so funny.  And beautiful.  She was the star of our family, the 2nd of my younger sister’s 5 children. She was, without a doubt, an old soul.  We all knew it, her wisdom was far beyond her years.

I flew by myself to Chicago, where I met up with my older sister, brother-in-law and my mother, and we flew together to Dallas.  On the first leg, I don’t know if I’ve ever been so sad in my life.  My marriage was breaking up, I was broke, (my older sis paid my plane fare),  and now I had to face saying goodbye to one of the really most beautiful people I’d ever had in my life.  We had a special bond, she and I.  Everyone remarked on it.

So, I was looking out the window of the plane.  We  flew above clouds that whole trip, so it was blue sky above, and white clouds below.  Staring out the window, thinking, trying not to cry the whole time. Wondering why this had to happen, why we had to lose her when everything else was already falling apart.  Suddenly I saw the shadow of the plane, perfectly, on the clouds.  And then I realized the shadow had a rainbow aura all the way around it.  It followed us all the way to Chicago, for 1100 miles.

It was one of those signs.  I was suddenly not alone, and there was promise.  I think now, it was my niece’s way of comforting me, of helping me to get through that sad lonely flight.  It was a sign that she was ok, she was around.

I’ve had many times that I’ve felt her energy around me since.  Many unique experiences that have let me know she is close by.

I don’t know why I went here this morning, except I am flying to Chicago to get home, which makes no sense to me, but it’s no different than flying to Detroit, to get home on another trip.  So far out of the way, but it’s how they do things in that crazy business.

Today I’m flying back to my present life, while I’ve spent the last week beginning to prepare for the future in a big way.  I think I’ll be glad to be back to my routine.  I’ll be glad to see my son, my cat, sleep in my own bed.  I’m going to have to continue the work I’ve done down here in preparing for a move.

The realtor has not gotten back to me since Sunday, I’ve left voicemail, email, and texts with her.  She was getting back to me within minutes up until Sunday night when I had some questions about the way a contract needed to be written.  Not sure what’s up with that, but if I don’t hear from her today, I’ll call the listing agent on the house, and cut her out of the loop.  I’ll meet with my realtor at home next week, finish getting the house ready to put on the market, get the pictures taken, get it listed by the end of the month.

I do know if the house I like doesn’t become mine, it’s because the Universe has something better in mind for me. Just staying in the flow, taking one thing at a time as it presents itself.  Looking at the entire process at once can terrify me, it seems like such a huge undertaking for a single 65 year old woman.

My thoughts of S are far from where they were at the beach yesterday.  I’m not feeling badly about him at the moment, just not feeling much at all.  He still can get on my mind, but I think that the walk on the beach was very instrumental in the letting go process.  Not feeling an attachment at the moment, and that’s a good thing.  Making room for new things, letting go of those things which don’t bring me any happiness, or add to my life in any way except negatively.

My sis and I drove down at the last minute last night to see the sunset over the Gulf of Mexico.  There apparently wasn’t one, lol.  There were clouds all through the horizon, covering the sun on it’s way west.  But still I got the picture above, which was kind of mystically cool, as it was hazy, and tinted light pink anyway.  I think the ocean is just good subject matter, lol.  It is such a metaphor for our emotions. I hope you all enjoy it.

Life is good.  I’ll be back tonight, from the comfort of my family room at home.

Love and light, all.

Exorcising The Ghosts

Posted on by learning to live like water

I took a walk on the beach alone this morning. I have only been twice now, because I was gone for the weekend. My sis went with me last time. It seemed I had some emotional processing to do, when I got there.

It was low tide. My head kept echoing “Low Tie…..” Which was what S always called it, from his days fishing.

I had a hard time silencing his voice in my head. I took pictures, of waves breaking on the sand bars. Of the waves breaking on the shore, leaving shells, broken sand dollars, pieces of coral and coquina. I took this picture, and also a video, which I can’t seem to get to transfer here..

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I kept wanting to send the video to him, with the sound of the waves breaking, and just say, “Lo Tie….” He would have appreciated it I think. At least for a moment, before he deleted it.

I walked along the dunes, remembering last March, when I was there. We had broken up, because of the prison whore. I had been seeing Addison. S was working all his magic on me, while I was gone, to take me back from Addie. I was walking on the beach, I was talking to him, I was falling so in love with him again, missing him so much. He was sweet, contrite, he wanted me. There was no her, there was nothing but he and I. Addie….loved me, like crazy. But I never stopped loving S.

We planned for S to come over the night after I got back. To talk, to see if we could repair the damage that had been done by the prison whore episode. But in my head, I already knew who it was that I wanted to be with.

Addison was picking me up at the airport at midnight. He had my car, there was no way around it. He expected to spend the night with me. “Please don’t sleep with him Deb.” “I won’t have sex, S. He’ll just sleep there, it’s going to be late.” “Even sleeping together is intimate….”

I knew it was, I knew that it wasn’t fair to Addie to sleep with him when my head and heart were with S.  I really didn’t want to either.  I knew I had to tell him on the ride home from the airport. I was dreading breaking that sweet man’s heart.

God that was a hard  beach walk. I guess there were a few ghosts here anyway, even though he never came here with me.

Anyway, I was overcome with the desire to communicate with him, and of course. I mean how could I remember all that and not want to just say hi. Just let him know that I was thinking kindly of him after all that ugliness last week.

I tried to send him the video, just as I’d imagined.

I say tried, because it couldn’t be delivered. The cell reception here was not good enough.

I let it go. I just acknowledged, it wasn’t supposed to go.

And I thought, “thank you universe, for watching out for me.” Because no good would have come from sending it, from opening the communication back up. None.

I said to myself, well, last year you were here, falling in love with him all over again. This year you are here, letting him go again.

The breeze blew gently, blew my hair off my neck, the sun shone on my face, the sand was soft, the sky was blue, and I turned to walk back to the bank of cubbies that are there to hold your flip-flops when you walk on the sand.

By the time I got there, I was just so grateful it didn’t get sent. I didn’t want it sent. I would have been horrified with myself if it had gone through. All it would have done, even if there was not response, or even a positive one, would have been to reconnect all the connections I have tried so hard to break. I would have undone weeks, months worth of work.

I had thought, while doing it, that I might unblock his phone. I hadn’t decided yet. When I got my flip-flops back, I sat on the bench nearby to dust the sand off my feet. I looked at my phone, and deleted the text to him. I put my flip-flops on and began the walk home, 2 blocks. Grateful, ever so grateful, that the universe stopped me from doing something that would have damaged my psyche again, and set me back so far. That would have in the end caused me more pain that I already have around that man.

I was able to remember his callousness. The way he now tried to negate memories like that one.  His last advice, “why don’t you focus on finding Mr. right?” As if, as if, you can just stop loving someone you love and replace him with another. He of all people should know. It was a stupid thing for him to say. “I’m sorry” might have been better. I know what a shit he is. I know how unreliable, how self-absorbed, how disingenuous he is. I know he uses people, and makes the wrong decisions all the time. I know all his bad traits.

Just, today, I remembered “low tie” and “high tie” and those moments when he wouldn’t be any of that shitty stuff, and how he could make me feel like he loved me. Those times when the light I always saw would break through, and blind me from its pure beauty.

But I made it through, by the grace of God, back to myself, back to my path, away from that pain. Away from all the craziness, the chaos, the mixed signals, the drama. Away from him and the darkness he spread into my life.

I made it.

Promise of the Sunrise

Posted on by learning to live like water

Just a promise of a sunrise this morning, hidden behind some clouds. There were breaks of blue sky, tinted with pink, there was a pink and golden glow on the horizon, beneath a tower of gray clouds. It was lovely, in a different, subtle, way.

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I stopped at the beginning of the dock, to talk to my sister’s neighbors. The one who lives across the street, in her golf cart, has felt like a good friend since the day I met her a few years ago. She asked about my weekend with my girlfriends, I showed her pictures of the house I fell in love with. Another neighbor was there, with his dog, Penny. I remembered him from last year. He is married, his wife doesn’t come to sunrise. I pet the dog for a few minutes. Then we all walked down the dock together, and the new friend I made the other day whose wife had to go home was there taking pictures. He also asked about my weekend, and told me he’d gone to St. Pete yesterday and had lunch at a lovely restaurant on the inland waterway near where I’d been.

You can always tell us tourists, we have the cameras, trying to catch and preserve every moment of the sunrise, to carry us through until we come back again. I have more pictures of sunrise from the Longboat Key town dock than anything else on my camera, lol.

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The sun came up, as it always does. It still put on a beautiful show. One that reminded me that clouds come and go, the sun is always there behind them, waiting to shine. The clouds that cover the sun can’t stop it burning brightly, and bringing daylight to a darkened world.

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Then it began to sprinkle, and then rain harder. We all left quickly, and the neighbor with the golf cart gave me a ride the 800 ft back to my sister’s house.

When I came in the house, my brother-in-law was up, had made me another pot of coffee. He said it hadn’t rained here in about a month, so they were glad for the rain. It didn’t last long though, probably about 10 or 15 minutes. There may be more today though.

Thinking about the gray clouds of my life, the storms, the dark days of fear, and heartbreak, and yearning for life. And then the sunrise, always there, always managing to get through the clouds, always bringing the light back to my life. Never letting me get stuck too long in the darkness. Bringing me my son, my family, my friends, my joy. Always remember, the fact that the light is covered in darkness, can’t stop it from burning brightly.

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Sacred Sunrise

Posted on by learning to live like water

I woke at 5 am this morning, listening to the peacocks behind the house with their loud cawing. It was first I’d heard them, and I smiled, knowing “I’m in Florida now for sure.” Not that there are peacocks everywhere in Florida, but they seem to flourish in this old historic neighborhood.

I had plenty of time to get to the town dock for the sunrise. There were 5 or 6 of us this morning, and it didn’t disappoint. The sky was glowing pink when I left my house for the 3 minute walk to the dock. It was breathtaking. I got a couple of shots.

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Then as it came up over the horizon, due to the cloud cover it was a perfect, well-defined golden orb, not unlike a full moon.

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It felt like a sacred experience, for a few moments. I thought about how every incident in my life brought me to this place at this time. I’m grateful for it all. Even the last few days, as unpleasant as they were, gave me clarity, and definition. About what I want, what I want to attract into my life, and what I want to let go of and never experience again. A new day dawns, ripe and ready for all the good things in life to come a little closer to us all, if we allow it in.

I know that still, everyone does the best from the level of consciousness that they are in at the time. I have been frustrated and angry that my life, my history, my memories have been toyed with by someone else, for purely egoic reasons. And denied, to please the one with the big ego. It is dysfunction at it’s highest.  I allowed it to wrap around my level for a time, and bring it down.  I have let go, unwrapped it, cut the cords binding it, and rise again.

I still have to recognize that that’s where they are, and that I can’t expect more, nor stay angry about it. It’s done, it won’t happen again. I feel like I was a distraction to them, that they could agree on. Like Brene Brown calls it “common enemy bonding.” It’s not real, it’s not lasting. There are still lies that haven’t surfaced, but they just don’t matter now. Who cares? The issue with the lies is between them, I am removed from it, thankfully. I always say the truth will float to the top at some point. My life moves on, theirs does too, and how that story ends is anyone’s guess, and I’ll never know. Nor will I care. I don’t know that I’ve gotten to a state of forgiveness over it yet, it’s a little fresh, but I know I’ll get there. I work at that, it’s something I want to achieve, so I can go on without holding onto the anger and negative emotions of a past which really has no bearing on me or my life now.

I’m going to my high school friend’s today for a couple of nights. I’m so excited. We don’t know what we’re going to do, but I know we’ll have fun. I know even though we haven’t seen each other for a couple of years, we will fall in like we were never apart. These girls know how to laugh, and love and have a great time, and bring in the goodness of life. WE’ve been friends since we were 13 or 14. It is going to be a welcome change, as it has been with my sister here.

It’s all been exactly what I needed. I’m looking out my sis’s window, at the bouganvilla cascading from an old intricately woven tree stump. And reminded how much beauty is in the world, and that that’s what I want to focus on now.

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Life is good. Really, it is. Love and light. And laughter.

Gratitude and Release

Posted on by learning to live like water

thankful

I didn’t think I’d sleep last night, but I slept well.  I went to bed and lay under the covers with the kind of chill I get at the gong baths that starts from the inside, my heart and solar plexus chakras, releasing.  I did my gratitude list, I was grateful for my son, my warm bed, my home, my two sisters, my parents, my life.   And then I fell fast asleep.

It did me a lot of good, to speak my mind, to say to him, and to her, what the truth was from my perspective, and demand that I not be made into something I was not.  That my relationship with S not be made into something prurient, and shallow, because it so was not.  Anyone who reads my blogs consistently can see that.

When I was being grateful for all those things, I also was grateful that I am strong enough to stand in my story.  That I could articulate what was true, what was undeniable.  That I didn’t have to sit in the shadows and swallow a lie.  I am so grateful that my life has taught me to stand up for something.  To stand up for myself.  The fact that someone I loved cannot stand up for himself, or me, is his problem.  He will live with that karma.  If she stays with him, she will also have to deal with it.

He has so much fear.  For some reason, he feels that if he admits to caring for me, not even loving me, that it will take something from her.  How silly.  Caring for one person doesn’t negate the love you have for someone else.  She can’t be that jealous, that he couldn’t care for someone else when she wasn’t in his life.

My conscience is clear this morning.  I am ready more than ever to go on my vacation, free of emotional encumbrances that bind me to the past.  I am more ready than ever to make this move for the same reason.

It’s all been hard, so hard.  Some of the hardest shit of my lifetime.  And trust me I’ve been through a lot of shit. It’s not as hard as the problems I had when my ex was trying to keep my son from me, but it’s running a close second.  I trusted my gut now, as I did then, and as I freed him from abuse, I have freed myself from betrayal.

I always have to remember, that everything that happens to us brings us to where we are.  I like where I am, I like who I am.  Therefore, I am grateful for all of it, and all the lessons I was taught.   I also try to remember that many wise people say our purpose in this life is to learn lessons and evolve our souls.  I have felt the power of speaking up for myself, not because of it’s affect on anyone else.  If there is, or isn’t, an affect on anyone else, I likely won’t ever know.  But I feel the power within me, that I loved myself enough not to swallow another lie.  And that’s a wonderful thing to know, that I can do that.

 

Mercedes Benz

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m considering taking my last blog down. I had such a difficult morning emotionally. I had all these memories from my marriage, a difficult night’s sleep with that picture of my son all bruised in my head. Some overwhelming guilt, and it all blended in with S’s recent actions. I don’t think the gray pouring rain day was helping me either.

But anyway, I pushed through all that stuff. I sat with it, which for me means writing about it. So I did, two blogs on all that nasty, abusive stuff that my ex put us through. And one on S. It’s just that I think I’ve maybe over-dissected the thing with S. The outcome will always be the same, he betrayed me yet again. Even if he didn’t say that to her, he said it to me. He thought it. He is an asshole. I am done. I hope I’m done expending any more energy on his loser ass. If he’s sick, I’m sorry. Actually, I mean, sickER because he’s already sick. I am sorry, but I don’t want to know about it. I don’t want to be encumbered by that knowledge.

Tonight I’m in a good place. I am back to my basically happy self. I know I have a really nice life. So many good things are falling into place, and so many bad things are falling by the wayside.

So…I won’t take it down, because it was cathartic to write it. But it was a wave, it was temporary. The real me is back. Don’t read too much into it, it’s just another level of letting go.

In other news, lol, I was sitting at my desk today, and started singing Mercedes Benz by Janis Joplin. One of the other 60-something women I work with sang with me. I decided at that moment I needed that song on my iphone, so I bought it for 99 cents. I need to go back and look again, because there is so much good music by Janis. But I thought I’d put up Mercedes Benz tonight, because….it’s just the way it is sometimes. Love and light all, and enjoy the song. If you don’t know it, you are young it’s short and pretty funny. And true….