The Gift (A Poem)

sun and moon

Dogs barking,
A plane hums overhead,
Crickets chirping,
The smell of fresh cut grass,
Children laughing,
And screen doors slamming.

And then,
The stillness takes over.
Not even a hint of a breeze,
Not a single dark cloud in the blue.
Momentarily,
Not a sound.

Summer.
A peaceful summer’s eve.
She sits in her sacred place
And listens to the sounds of the earth.
This earth,
This planet.
This body.
This heart.

She’s grateful,
Because, what else is there?
Day and night,
The sun, and the moon.
The breeze and the stillness.
The green trees and the blue sky.
The ocean and the stars.
Life, the gift.

Dealing With Unsettledness This Morning

 

unsettled

I’m unsettled this morning. Lots of reasons.

First, concern over my son moving to Colorado. I would feel better if I knew this was something he really wanted to do, not a choice he was making out of necessity, because he can’t stay here. I was happy when I thought he was really looking forward to it. Now, as his mother, I can’t help but feel sad that my choice is making him make a choice he didn’t want to have to make. You know, if you have kids, that your whole life is about putting your kids first. This time, I can’t. He’s an adult, and I can’t stay here and retire. He gets that, he understands. But he doesn’t like it.

Of course, I have made him so comfortable here. No real responsibility here. His own space, really like his own apartment, but he doesn’t worry about the utility bills, or food in the fridge. He pays me $400 a month, he makes his car payment. He does his own laundry. But I’ve always dealt with everything. Why would he want to leave?

I know it will be good for him. I know he needs to do this, even if he doesn’t want to. It’s just that when I was his age, I’d been on my own for about 3 years, a long way from my family, and I was fearless. I had no fear that my life wouldn’t work out the way I wanted. (And it didn’t, but I had no fear about it anyway, lol.)

Then there are the logistics of he and I moving. If the house sells quickly, I’m afraid the closing date will fall in the middle of June which will be a problem for me. We are going to VA in early June, to have a memorial for my mother, and bury her remains next to my dad. In the middle of June son is going to Las Vegas to a music festival he’s been planning for a year. He’ll be gone a week. I am afraid I will be packing up the house before he’s gone. I will have to insist on the end of June for the earliest closing date, if I should get an offer. That’s all, I guess.

I had hoped to drive out to CO with him, and help him get settled. And then come back and drive myself to FL. That would be ideal. I don’t want him going by himself. He’s nervous enough as it is. The alternative is, he could come to FL with me, and we could drive to CO from there.

I guess I should stop worrying about it, and just deal with one thing at a time, as it comes. Duh. Stay in the moment. I may not even get an offer til June, and not close til July some time. I need to trust the universe to work it out in my behalf.

Actually, I think this is all that has unsettled me this morning, lol. Aside from the fact that my arthritis in my hands woke me in the middle of the night and I had to get up and take a couple ibuprofen. Louise Hay says problems with hands, wrists and elbows all have to do with handling new experiences and changes well, easily. That makes sense. I had the trauma of my relationship ending, and now this move to Florida, which, while I want it to happen, is anything but easy.

I didn’t handle the relationship ending at all well. For a long time I thought it would kill me. It took me 6 months to see the reality, the truth. To move on and away from it, from him. To see him for the who he is. That’s not to be putting him down, either. It’s just a fact. It was all about him, and always will be all about him. He’ll always be someone, too, who cannot stand up and be counted. It’s not my issue to deal with, it’s just a fact. It’s not what I want in a man. To know that, in my heart, allows me to let go easily. He was another life lesson. That’s all.

As for the moving…I’m not nervous about it being the right thing. It’s just resettling my son so that he’s comfortable and the logistics of the whole thing. It’s overwhelming to have to do it all by myself. It’s the way it is though, so I will just plug away at it.

I need to be grateful, I think. So here’s the list.

Grateful for:

My health

My son’s health

My sister and brother-in-law, and all they’ve done to help me.

The rest of my family.

My friends.

The financial ability to make the dream a reality.

My lovely home here, which I will miss.

That it will be 70 and sunny today.

Ok, feel better already. Love and light everyone.

Life is Moving Along Happily

Forward-motion-forward-life

My sister and brother-in-law put in an offer on the house yesterday.  Someone else had come in with an offer contingent on financing, so we needed to get our cash offer in.  I’m pretty sure they will take the cash offer, though they may counter.  I’m prepared for that.  I should find out this weekend, maybe even today!

I’m so excited about this, though trying to hold back a little.  It will require a home inspection, which hopefully will take place next week.  They could find something that’s big and hidden, but I’m hopeful not.  The seller says it was inspected when the remodeling was done.

If it goes through, it will so simplify my move to have a place waiting for me.  I won’t have to store my stuff and rent a place in Florida while I look for a house.  I’ll be able to move it right in.  I can even go down there before hand, and start getting things in place, measuring to know exactly what I can bring from my house in Connecticut, what I have to sell off or give away.

I can’t believe how lucky I am to have a sister and brother-in-law who would loan me the money, that much money….  I keep pinching myself.  Really.  I’m almost giddy, but I’m reserving that for acceptance of our offer, and a good inspection.

My focus here needs to be on getting this house ready to sell.  That has begun in earnest, I’ll get even more into it this weekend and next. I keep asking that it sells easily and quickly.  That’s the intention I’m setting.

It’s supposed to snow here Sunday.  It was in the 60’s for the last few days, and now a return to winter with a major nor’easter on Sunday afternoon and Monday, up to a foot of snow.  My son and I are so disgusted, and I’m sure we’re not the only ones. I am so ready for shorts and flip-flops, lol.  I’m praying they change the forecast.

Lots of exciting things going on.  Big changes, welcome changes.  Facing forward, always.

 

Better Things Await

low points

First day back at work.  I had over 1000 emails to sift through. My boss promised a half dozen people I’d ship their orders today.  Like, yeah, sure.  While I’m reading my 1000 emails.  It was crazy, but….I laughed my way through it, thinking, I won’t have to do this much longer!  LOL  I was so happy, even though the normal absurdity of the workplace was creating chaos all around me.

I am not telling the people at work about the house.  There are too many people who can’t keep their mouths shut.

My sis called me today, and the real estate agent called her today and someone else has made an offer, contingent on financing.  So my sis and brother-in-law are going to meet with her at the house tomorrow and barring something unforseen, will make a cash offer to them.  Then I’ll pay them back when my house sells.

I can’t even believe they would do this for me.  I mean, I can, they are loving and grateful to have the ability to help their family out, but I can’t believe it anyway.  It’s just beyond what I ever would have dreamed of.  This means that I won’t have to rent a place when I head down there, I’ll have a place to just move into.  It’s crazy.  Just crazy.  I am so friggin blessed.  Just blessed.

My son is a little nervous, but I told him we will work it out.  He doesn’t think he’ll be ready to head for Colorado when I’m ready to move, but we will figure it out.  The universe will make it work, I’m sure.

I am so excited, and happy, and so looking forward to this move.  For awhile I felt like I was running from things. From S, mostly, from my ex, from so many bad memories, so much pain and sadness. But now…idk.  I don’t feel any attachment to any of the past, only a lot of excitement to get on with this chapter of my life.  Not having to go to work every day, being able to follow my passions, to ride a bike everywhere, to get to the beach on a daily basis!  To smell the salt air and feel the sea breeze all the time.

I think my ex and S were the two most difficult relationships of my life.  My ex for sure, and S, even though it wasn’t that long, I loved him soooo fucking much, and he hurt me sooooo badly.  But you know what?  I learned from both of them, both relationships, lessons I would not otherwise have learned.  They were without a doubt my best teachers.

Now I’ll take those lessons into a new life, and I feel like joy and happiness are just waiting for me to take their hand and walk with me.  I, honest to God, finally feel no pain with either of them, nor any longing, or desire.  They were part of my life, past tense.

Better things await.  I used to say, while waiting for my divorce to finish, my abundance has already been created, it just hasn’t manifested yet.  And that’s how I feel now.  I can feel joy and happiness in the works, it is manifesting…..slow but sure, every minute it comes clearer into view.

Gratitude and Release

thankful

I didn’t think I’d sleep last night, but I slept well.  I went to bed and lay under the covers with the kind of chill I get at the gong baths that starts from the inside, my heart and solar plexus chakras, releasing.  I did my gratitude list, I was grateful for my son, my warm bed, my home, my two sisters, my parents, my life.   And then I fell fast asleep.

It did me a lot of good, to speak my mind, to say to him, and to her, what the truth was from my perspective, and demand that I not be made into something I was not.  That my relationship with S not be made into something prurient, and shallow, because it so was not.  Anyone who reads my blogs consistently can see that.

When I was being grateful for all those things, I also was grateful that I am strong enough to stand in my story.  That I could articulate what was true, what was undeniable.  That I didn’t have to sit in the shadows and swallow a lie.  I am so grateful that my life has taught me to stand up for something.  To stand up for myself.  The fact that someone I loved cannot stand up for himself, or me, is his problem.  He will live with that karma.  If she stays with him, she will also have to deal with it.

He has so much fear.  For some reason, he feels that if he admits to caring for me, not even loving me, that it will take something from her.  How silly.  Caring for one person doesn’t negate the love you have for someone else.  She can’t be that jealous, that he couldn’t care for someone else when she wasn’t in his life.

My conscience is clear this morning.  I am ready more than ever to go on my vacation, free of emotional encumbrances that bind me to the past.  I am more ready than ever to make this move for the same reason.

It’s all been hard, so hard.  Some of the hardest shit of my lifetime.  And trust me I’ve been through a lot of shit. It’s not as hard as the problems I had when my ex was trying to keep my son from me, but it’s running a close second.  I trusted my gut now, as I did then, and as I freed him from abuse, I have freed myself from betrayal.

I always have to remember, that everything that happens to us brings us to where we are.  I like where I am, I like who I am.  Therefore, I am grateful for all of it, and all the lessons I was taught.   I also try to remember that many wise people say our purpose in this life is to learn lessons and evolve our souls.  I have felt the power of speaking up for myself, not because of it’s affect on anyone else.  If there is, or isn’t, an affect on anyone else, I likely won’t ever know.  But I feel the power within me, that I loved myself enough not to swallow another lie.  And that’s a wonderful thing to know, that I can do that.

 

Energetic Discomfort This Morning

 

energy cordsI am feeling an attempt to energetically cord me again this morning, despite my deleting the song, despite my determination to stay on the road I’m on.  It’s irritating.

I find myself feeling negative emotions for no reason.  Unsettledness in my solar plexus and sacral chakras, which is always where I feel it.  I am determined to send it back where it came from.

I’m not sure it’s intentional.  It’s probably not. In fact, I doubt the sender is even cognizant of the fact that it’s being sent. But it doesn’t matter, it’s here this morning, and it disrupted my sleep last night.  Time to do reiki, I think.  Time to do a gratitude meditation. Time to cut the cords, once more. Time to make space for the positive emotions to take over and crowd this crap out.

I have no idea what’s happening at the source of this energetic cord.  Nor do I want to know.  I think the whole point of it is to encourage me to find out.  But I don’t want to know.  It’s of no purpose, it brings nothing to my life but magnification of negativity that manages to stretch across the miles to me.

I hold no grudge about it, I have no anger. I wish no ill on this person.  I wish for them all good things.  I understand that the person at the other end of this energetic cord that is trying to wrap around me is doing the best they can from the level of consciousness.  I forgive, because of that.  I am done with that chapter of my life.  I just want to be left alone by this person, on every level.

So much nicer to have my son’s laughing energy when I wake up.  I’m going to get back to that place, and send this energy on it’s way, back to the source, out to the Universe to atone for everyone’s highest good.

Love and light, everyone.

Getting to the Other Side

NewLife

I got so much done on my house yesterday.  I think one more weekend and it will at least be ready for these people who are interested to see it.  My son promises to go at his space today, and it’s by far in the worst space in the house.  I just have the bathrooms and the garage to do.   Even if these people don’t end up buying the house, at least it will be ready to put on the market, pretty much, when I get back from Florida.  I will need to paint the deck, but I don’t think I can do that until the days are longer and warmer.  End of April maybe.  I’m going to hire someone to come in and get the yard in good shape, cut back the shrubs, etc.

I had so much fun talking to my friend in Florida last night. Old friends are so wonderful to have.  I haven’t talked to her, except FB messenger, for a long long time, but we know each other so well, we just pick up where we left off.  I just love her to death.  She’s just one of those people who never allows anything to take her joy of living from her.  I can’t wait to see her.  Having her there, where I want to live will be like instant immersion into that life.

Which will move me at light speed  away from this one, lol.  It’s time, really.  Definitely time.  It’s funny, I have had the plan to move to Florida since before I met S.  The relationship with him did not deter it.  It has always been there.  It could have worked out in many different ways, either for us, or for me.  If he had wanted a relationship, and to retire, we could have shared each other’s homes, had a place to go in the winter in Florida, a place here in New England in the summer.  And kept our independence, both owning a home.  We could have just visited each other. It turns out it became my escape route, from the devastation he wrought on my life for a time.  I’m so glad it’s one dream I never gave up.

I think at times, well he wanted a relationship, just not with me.  But then, did he want one with her, really?  If he did, why did he do what he did, knowing it would kill it.  And if it wasn’t dead, then spending January with me, certainly didn’t help breathe life back into it.  It’s not my problem any longer though.  I look so forward to loving a man who knows what he wants, and who doesn’t engage in self-destructive behaviors constantly.  There is another side of life, and I intend to experience it fully. 🙂

Lovely to have slept a good night’s sleep last night.  Today is supposed to be warm, at least warm enough to go to the cove for lunch.  It’s been so long, I am looking forward to it.

Off for my 2nd cup of coffee…..Love and light, all.

 

Sleeping Under My Own Power

Before-I-Sleep

I have discovered a secret to sleeping well, I think.  I suppose it’s not a secret, and well-known by people more enlightened than me.  I’m not, historically a good sleeper.  I used to be, when I was much younger, until I spent years in an abusive marriage.  Being hypervigilant every minute is not good for sleep.

The last few nights I’ve had trouble getting to sleep, or staying asleep.  I’ve resorted to a low dose Ambien a couple times, because I have to have at least 5 hours of sleep to be functional at work for 9 hours.  6 or 7 is better, but 5 is the minimum.  I don’t like doing that, though, and don’t want it to be the habit it was for 6 months, when I had carpal tunnel, and after, when S did his thing to blow my world apart.

Last night, when I shut my light off, I snuggled under my comforter, and began to recite a list of things I was grateful for.  Actually saying, thank you thank you for things like, my warm bed.  My warm house.  Food in my pantry.  My son in his space.  My upcoming trip to Florida.  My sweet cat.  The ability to pay for the muffler that I just had put on the car.  My friends.  That I have two wonderful sisters.  That I had such loving parents.

On and on.

And I slept well, and easily. When I woke at 12:45, I did the same thing, and fell back to sleep easily.  Same when I woke around 3:30

Another benefit was that I woke this morning in a good mood.  I actually woke in a state of happiness, and that’s been a long time coming.  It’s so lovely to wake up and look forward to the day, not to wish I could just stay under the covers for 3 more hours.

Tonight I have gongs again.  Gongs and crystal bowls and drums and bells, I am looking so forward to it.  Always.  It always seems like perfect timing.  Such a good place, a good way, to let go of anything that no longer serves.  If you follow my blog, you know I have plenty of that!

So here’s to letting go of the stuff that keeps us up, and being grateful for the things that make our lives beautiful!  Love and light, all.

Changes

changes

Feeling a little introspective this morning.  The confusion I wrote about a few days ago still exists.  At times it doesn’t bother me, at times I’m sick of it.  At times I want to just move away from it toward something simple.

Florida.  I did some ground work on social security when I was home with the snow Friday.  I had forgotten that if I collect while I’m working I will get less, much less.  It seems I have to rethink my plans.  I still will sell the house and move, but have to live off of my own money til at least next January.  And how much will that cost me?  I don’t really want to use that money.  So If I move, I will have to work there at least somewhat.  I’ll need to earn some extra money so as not to deplete my own saving/investments.  At least until January of next year.  But I’m thinking if I’m gonna wait til January, wait til April, when I will be of full retirement age, and the monthly amount I get will go up.

So here’s hoping that I can find a fairly mindless, easy job for 20 or 25 hours a week when I move.  Nothing that requires the big decisions. At my current job, we brought in someone for a month to just do filing.  That kind of job.  I could file for 20 hours a week, lol.

Medicare is its own nightmare to figure out.  I talked so someone about it, and I can probably save money by going on it, and buying the supplemental care, and it will be a better insurance policy.  But I need to talk to my boss about it too.  I’ll do that this week.  I need prescription drug coverage, since I’m diabetic.

This country makes it hard to retire, and collect the benefits I have worked for for 50 years.  It’s crazy.

My son and I are making our monthly trip to Sam’s Club today to stock the house.  I have to stop at Michael’s and get some jewelry supplies on the way.  I’ll be making jewelry I guess, during the Superbowl.  I think  it’s the first one I’ve been home alone for since I left my marriage.  Not that it’s a big deal, really.

My son will be at a Superbowl party somewhere. As he should be.

When I was married, we used to make a bunch of homemade finger food.  Good stuff, and it was just an excuse to eat and drink.  It was about as festive as my ex and I ever got.  He was a good cook, so I didn’t do it all by myself, which was nice.  But I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop though, when it involved drinking with him.  He might be in a good mood, and just pass out.  Or he might morph into the creature from the depths and we’d all end up in our separate rooms, terrified.

It does make me think, how I miss the days when my friends kids and my son were all in school and we all saw each other a lot.  I didn’t think that group would ever disband, but without our kids activities binding us, everyone is drifting apart, not nearly so tight as we were.  I miss those days.  I don’t have many single friends.  It never mattered before, but it seems now….as my core group of friends drifts apart, I wish I had a few more single friends to hang out with.

I did a lot of cooking yesterday.  Homemade hot and sour soup, buffalo chicken meatballs.  I guess I was just in the mood.  It’s good Superbowl food anyway.  Maybe it’s a habit.  Maybe I was hoping for a last minute invite somewhere.  It’s also good food to have in the fridge so I can have a real meal when I get home from work.

Changes.  Everything changes doesn’t it.  It’s the only thing we can count on.  Change will come, whether we want it or not. Good to learn how to accept that which is.

I guess it’s time for gratitude. I have so much to be grateful for.  When I think about it, I feel kind of like a whiny child, lol, wishing for things to be so different than they are.  I guess that’s what Florida is all about.  Recreating something closer to what I dream of.  And being grateful for the opportunity and the ability to do it.

Love and light.

 

 

Sundogs

Back in December 2009 I was having lunch at the cove on a cold winter’s day.  I leaned my head back in the car, and looked up at the sky, just relaxing. The sky was blue, not clear blue, but a little hazy blue.  I saw a sight I had never seen before.  There was a sideways kind of short rainbow, and from the middle of it a light beam extended, like a huge spotlight.  Kind of like the picture below, but with less clouds, and a very pronounced beam.

sundog7

I just stared at it.  It was so amazing, this spotlight that extended  through the sky. I stared at it, studied it, until I had to go back to work.  On the way back to work, at the top of a hill, I saw that there was another one, equidistant from the sun on the other side.  I had no idea what I was looking at, but it was beautiful, amazing….took my breath away.

I later found out that it was a sundog.  Caused by ice crystals in the air, and the sun at a specific angle refracting the light in this way.  I felt totally blessed to have seen it.

Fast forward a couple of months to February 2010.  I was now in the 3rd year of a contentious divorce.  I was in limbo then, waiting for the Supreme Court to decide if they would even hear our case.  (My ex had appealed the Superior Court’s  decision to them, in an effort to keep me from getting anything.)  My son was with me, he was 17.  I was getting child support so financially I was in decent shape for the time being, but I knew that when he turned 18 in a few months that would stop.  I didn’t know how I would be able to take care of us both on my salary, I had committed to taking him on a cruise with a bunch of his and my friends in June when he graduated, and paid for it 8 months before, because I was sure that by now my divorce would be resolved and I’d have a settlement.

I was scared.  Anxious.  Sick of the battle.  I just wanted it behind me.  I wanted to move on with my life.  I’d been in this position with constant court battles with his father for so long.  One morning in February I just broke down, I said, “God, I know everything is going to turn out ok, but I really really could use another sign.  I’m beginning to lose my grip.”

Then I dressed for work, and went off on my day.  On my lunch hour I needed to run an errand to Walmart about 2 miles from work.  As I left work, I could see a bright spot under the sun.  I thought, wow…that’s cool.  But just kept driving, I didn’t focus on it.  There is a slight hill to get to Walmart, and a stoplight where you turn to go in.  I once again saw the bright spot under the sun.  I leaned over to look out the window better.

And there I saw…..the bright spot, a complete circle of a faint rainbow around the sun, a bright spot on top of the sun equidistant from the bottom spot, and on each side, the same thing I had seen at the cove that day, a small sideways rainbow on either side of the sun, in the rainbow aura, with spotlight beams coming out of them, bending toward each other in the huge sky.

polar-phenomena-rosing-749109-sw

I got into the parking lot as quickly as possible, got out of the car, and just stood there looking at it.  I remember laughing, just laughing.   It was so incredible…like a cosmic light show just for me.  No one else seemed to even see it .

And I remembered my request that morning, for a sign.  There was no question that this was my sign.

I don’t know how long I stared at it.  It was impossible to guess the distance it covered. I felt like it might be 100’s of miles.  The beams extended so far beyond me.  I had to turn a complete circle to see the ends of them, bending toward each other.

I look back and think people must have thought I was crazy…standing in the Walmart parking lot, laughing at the sky.

Since that day, sundogs have been my good luck sign.  I look for them now, and see partial ones, like the one at the cove often.  I’ve never seen the complete thing again.  Yet.

So….it did all turn out ok.  It took another 18  months and the divorce was over, the decision was confirmed, I got my settlement, I bought a home, and while I am far from rich, I have been able to make a nice, and happy life for my son and I.

I renamed my jewelry company after the sundogs that day.  Sundogs Designs.  As it turned out the sundog that day, a Friday, was the prelude to a very unusual weekend, I was given so much more, but that’s for another blog, for another day.

I’ve never lost faith that everything will turn out ok.  No matter the heartbreak, no matter the difficulty, I know it will be ok.

Blessed, just blessed. Below is a picture of a sundog phenomena that I saw on FB.  Which is beyond words to describe it, but I think anyone would agree with me.

Crazy sundogs

Peace and sundog blessings.